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 Review #4774894 |
 | The Checklist  [18+] A Newlywed couple explore their innermost desires before celebrating for a birthday.  |
| (4.0)| An Angel Army Review Hi Joy Marsh . I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "The Checklist " . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. First, permit me to welcome you to Writing.Com. I hope you'll find the site and members as rewarding as I've found both to be over the years. And I hope you've been able to take advantage of WDC's 24th Birthday festivities.I found your story in the Read A Newbie section, and being somewhat of a list maker, I was intrigued by your Title. Your chosen genres are also a favorite of mine. Your opening paragraph sets the stage for a newlywed couple who desires to try different fantasies in the bedroom. They've prepared a list, which apparently they are going through rather quickly. From a reader's standpoint, this seemed far-fetched to do so many so quickly. That kind of exercise is inherently good for a relationship. However, they seem like a very ambitious couple to have gone through 24 different fantasies already as newlyweds, especially stating that number 24 was "quickly becoming one of Charlotte's favorite so far." I assume, of course, at least some 'together' time is spent in a routine manner. As for the rest of your story--well done. Your writing style is easy to read and falls within the content rating provided. However, one thing. Please ensure any action between the couple is of a more active nature, rather than passive. For example, you wrote: Charlotte and her new husband, Steve, have been challenging themselves, you could say. They've been seeing how adventurous they can be in the bedroom, and have made a list of every fantasy they've ever thought of that they've wanted to try at some point in their lives. The same action in an active voice: Charlotte and her new husband, Steve, have challenged themselves, you could say. They made a list of every fantasy they'd ever thought of trying to spice up their bedroom activities. As Charlotte and Steve continue to act out fantasy number 24, they give in to each other completely. Good pillow talk to end your story as they ready themselves for their dinner engagement.  Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc.Other than changing from a passive voice to active, I found no issues with the technical aspects of your writing. And good job with your dialogue punctuation.  My Rating. 4.0. An above average story that needs a little attention to detail. Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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