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 Review #4783071 |
 | Collecting Resources  [18+] They have seven planets under their control now. But three of them are having problems.  |
| (3.0)| "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"  Official Judge's Review Hello PureSciFi, my name is Tiggy and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently. First Impression: This was an action-packed tale. The beginning didn’t ease the readers into the story but dropped them right in the middle of it with explosions and numerous casualties. You created what seemed to be a whole universe where Resources Collectors battled for control of the planets. I have to admit that I wasn’t sure I followed the story though. The structure was quite unusual - you told the tale in several short scenes. While I found the idea intriguing, it gave it a bit of a disjointed feel and I would suggest having a strong overarching theme. You also created a bunch of interesting names, both for the characters and the planets. I’m not sure if there was enough character development - I didn’t feel I got to know the characters particularly well. Most of the story was told in dialogue which was a little stilted in places and didn’t always sound realistic so it didn’t help to convey the characters’ personalities.  Suggestions: I noticed a few errors in the story. The first one, a general one, is that you switched tenses throughout. You started in present tense, and then you switched to past tense and back again several times. Personally, I would go with past tense because I find it easier, but both are fine, as long as you’re consistent. Juanin and Noorva watch the large Image Monitor in front of them as a huge metal structure above a tall and wide opening into a mountain behind this structure when it explodes, sending pieces of this structure everywhere. This was the opening sentence, the hook that needs to make the readers want to carry on reading. I thought that it was quite long and a little confusing. For one thing, I couldn’t figure out what exploded - the monitor, the ‘structure’, the opening or the mountain? Also, the descriptions weren’t particularly helpful here. You have a ‘large’ monitor, a ‘huge’ structure, and a ‘tall and wide’ opening, and I couldn’t really imagine what exactly they were looking at. I would suggest watching out for these generic descriptions, for example here: a large room with several hovering desks there ‘Large’ can mean a lot of things and you would probably create a better image in the readers’ minds if you compared it to something. Was it the size of a ballroom with a few desks spread out? we would fight among us I think that should say, “among ourselves”. Weaking or killing us Did you mean, “weakening”? “How many deaths have there been and why it’s happening to our Rovimes?” This should probably say, “why it is happening”.  Final Thoughts: The story seemed to finish rather abruptly and I wasn’t sure if there was a proper ending. I realise that there was a word limit and you used all of it, and I wonder if this tale would have worked better as a longer story. It felt like you had a good idea here but trying to squeeze it into 2,000 words didn’t quite work. I would suggest working on this tale to make the characters more relatable and work on the details and descriptions, and not worry about how long it becomes. Some stories need a bit more space because too much is happening, and I would imagine this could be one of them.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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