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 Review #4791319 |
 | The Poking Stick  [ASR] A bullied boy finds and ally in the oddest place.  |
| (4.0)  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   First Impressions: The concept of a bully getting his comeuppance is very appealing, and this tale didn’t disappoint. Roddy tried to escape it - he didn’t retaliate which made me think that Nelson was his older brother and he couldn’t stand up to him, but it makes sense that he was younger although that wasn’t mentioned until later in the story. As he was hiding, Roddy discovered something peculiar, and the explanation that it might be a gremlin actually made sense because the way you described it made it sound like one. Roddy was curious whereas Nelson poked it like he seemed to poke everything, and it turned out to be a mistake. I was disappointed with their mother’s ration - she must have noticed that it was Nelson’s favourite pastime to poke Roddy and it would appear that she never said anything, but when Nelson got hurt, she decided to yell. Perhaps if she yelled at her younger child, it wouldn’t have come to this.  Suggestions: I noticed a number of small errors: his dads old Playboys There needs to be an apostrophe in “dad’s” to indicate possession. what he had been dong in the basement Just a typo, “doing”. “What is THAT thing,” Nelson bellowed That’s a question so requires a question mark at the end of the speech. “Its not a chupacabra.” Roddy said. There should be an apostrophe in “It’s”, being the contraction of “it is”. And the period at the end of the speech needs to be a comma as the sentence continues with the dialogue tag. “Its an alien!!!!” Again, “It’s” needs an apostrophe. “Don’t do that.” Roddy said. As before, this is one sentence with speech and a dialogue tag so should have a comma instead of a period in the middle. A small greenish brown hand reach out and sweep up the poking stick. The story was written in past tense so this should say “reached” and “swept”. And just one general suggestion: You don’t name Roddy until paragraph three. In the first paragraph he is simply “he” and it works better to introduce the main character straight away.  Final Thoughts: I was with Roddy all the way. He didn’t do anything wrong; it was the gremlin that poked Nelson, not him, and the fact that he smiled wasn’t unexpected considering what he had to endure before. So the last line took me by surprise and turned my opinion of him around. I read the story again to see if I had missed any hints, but there were none. To me, it seemed out of character, but I suppose I misjudged him and he wasn’t who I thought he was. But apart from that last line, I enjoyed the story!  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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