%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4806118 |
 | Dreams Charging Toward Reality  [E] Bronwyn decides to follow her dreams after her mother's death.  |
| (3.5)| This is a review brought to you by: . "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ,  "WDC Dragon Vale " ,  "Positive Hearts Reviews Group" , and  The B.E.A.R. Fund , a community project that let's you earn exclusive merit badges just by reviewing!  HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews"   Opening Line/ Hook:The opening line was okay. It was time for a change. My problem with the opening paragraph was that there were too much telling. There were no description on where the character was, her demeanour to reflect her emotions and excitement about following her dreams. For the first few lines, it was just a chronology of what she did.  Plot: Hook As above. Inciting Incident MC went to the bookstore to pick up some books and saw a hot guy. First Plot Point The hot guy pulled out her favourite book from the bookshelf and she could not help, but engage him in a conversation. First Pinch Point The MC wanted to ask him for his number, but she could not because she was too shy. She risked losing contact with her Mr. Perfect forever. Good job foreshadowing the Meet and Greet. Mid-Point The hot guy disappeared forever and the MC had no contact with him. Second Pinch Point The MC enters a new environment and experienced more culture shock when she engaged with her new course mates at the creative writing programme she was in Paris for. Third Plot Point Laurel takes care of the MC. And in her classroom, it appears that the hot guy was in her class. Climax The hot guy turned out to be her instructor. Denouement There was no character growth, but an opportunity for the MC to pursue a romantic relationship with this hot guy had just opened. And she has competition -- but she is shrinking back... despite the bookstore incident. Where was Point A of the Story? The Main Character went to Paris for a creative writing programme. (Don't mind the different spelling. I'm following the UK English system.) Where was Point B of the Story? The Main Character found that her crush in the bookstore was going to be her instructor. What was the Character's Primary Goal? To enjoy the creative writing programme which is a dream come true for her. Did the character transform at the end of the story? She fell in love. What was the External Conflict? (The A Story) She was a shy person and had to brave through strangers in a new country for her creative writing programme. What was the Internal Conflict? (The B Story) She met this hot guy in the bookstore, but kicked herself for not asking for his number. She wants to do something, but didn't have the courage to do it anyway. What was the lesson the character learnt in the story? What it is like to fall in love. And that the hot guy turned out to be her instructor, but it's nothing that transformed her other than her prospects of pursuing her crush is still open.  POV: Third person. The Main Character's point of view.  Theme: Romance, Writing, Bookstore, Books, Poetry, Creative Writing Programme Conflict:1. Man. Vs. Man MC and the Hot Guy The Main Character fell in love with the hot guy in the bookstore, but has no courage to ask for his number. MC and the crowd The MC is no good with crowds. She braved through it anyway. 5. Man Vs. Society The MC had to navigate culture shock, culture differences, time zone differences, and also a different society when she came to a new country for her creative writing programme. 6. Man Vs. Self The MC wished she had more courage, but she usually chickens out. 7. Man Vs. Destiny The MC was destined to meet this hot guy. She never knew if she would ever meet him again.  Dramatic Tension/ Suspense:The story is pretty simple with the Main Character. There is suspense as to whether the MC will meet this hot guy again. I like that there is foreshadowing in the story and as a reader, I already knew that he was going to be in her class at the end so I read right to the end to see if I am right.  Characterisation:The MC was believable. I wanna vouch for her to meet this guy again and start some hot Paris romance. The guy is also like her perfect other half. I like that he is so perfect for her in an almost-too-goo-to-be-true way. And Laurel being the friendly person who took care of the MC. While they each have their own character, I would want their characteristics to be shown rather than told. I did like a few lines though:  Dialogue:The dialogues were okay and pretty straight forward. They did reflect the characters. It would be nice to hear some of the accent in the dialogue, especially the French ones... I sometimes forget that the story is set in Paris.  Setting: There were very minimal descriptions on the setting. It would be nice if they were more vivid especially to make the scenes more feel more romantic.  Timeline:Time told in a linear story format.  Show Vs. Tell: I still felt a little off balance with the culture shock. It was both exhilarating and unnerving at the same time. There was no time to be shy, if I wanted to survive I had to dive in. Maybe you can show us how she experienced culture shock instead of just telling us that she did. What did you mean by exhilarating and unnerving? And how did the character brave herself in the crowd? Pacing: Since there is a lot of telling, the story is pretty fast-paced. Maybe, you can slow it down a little by really describing the part like maybe time has stood still when she saw the hot guy in the bookstore. It is an important moment and you may want the readers to slow down and savour that moment.  Emotions:The emotions were told rather than shown. Before walking in I drew in a deep, cleansing breath. A deep, cleansing breath sounds like a yoga breathing technique. Maybe you want to shy away from using phrases that we hear in every yoga video and own the sentence with your own description, well, unless you wanted to show that your character does yoga on a regular basis. I did like how you showed that the character was nervous with this sentence. And to make these sentences more emotional: As I made my way around the area that afternoon I continued to think about that handsome man and his love of books. You could describe the brief stops that made the MC remember the guy. Maybe the area with a little bit of detail? He laughed and I swore I could feel the rumble all the way to my toes. Tell us the way he laughed and make us fall in love with him too. These are just some of the examples. But the telling sentence goes on throughout the story. ToneI think it is supposed to have the romantic, serendipity vibe. With a little bit more showing, I think you can achieve that. I smiled, feeling a kinship. That feeling of kinship. Don't tell your readers that. Show them how it's like. This part of Pairs held a literary history that was phenomenal. What history? Don't assume all your readers know it and weave it into the story.  Style:There were a lot of telling in the story. I would have liked it better if you shown it because I know that it has sort of diminished the potential of the story. I know you can write really nice descriptive lines, maybe just had to keep the word count down.  Title Choice: I was kinda laughing at the last line when you thought the prompt was Change, but it was Charge. So, good way to keep your short story still relevant to the prompt.  And it's okay. It works.  Cohesiveness/ Continuity/ Flow: The story flows well.  Grammar/ Typo:None spotted. Well done.  Formatting: It would be nice to have the font size increased for easier readability.  Big Picture: The thing about this story is that it felt like a scene for a novel rather than a full-fledged short story. I said that because the character did not transform other than it really capturing the time she fell in love with this guy. It would be nice to see that she had gained a little more courage, maybe from losing her chance from ever contacting this hot guy ever again, she decides to "woman up" and be braver in the crowd that was going to be her new course mates. Then, she is rewarded with the chance to meet this hot guy again and this time, she will not miss her chance of asking him out ever again. The slight character transformation would make a huge difference to your story. That the character stops being a passive character (or even attempts to be slightly braver through very subtle actions) and it turns this into a more meaningful story. Also, there are too much telling and not enough showing. I'm guessing that it is because of the constraints of the word count limit in a contest, it can't be helped. However, do try to edit it once the contest is over. It would be nice if the ending could end with her finally gaining courage to look at her instructor in the eye (maybe even manage a smile) instead of her shrinking back because Daliah is attracted to him as well. I would have given you four stars, but there were too much telling in the story. Still, this story has a huge potential to be a romantic story that everyone loves to read. Keep writing! Keep editing!  The views and opinions on this review are mainly the things discovered by the reader and therefore, do not reflect necessarily to the group, activity and/or event being affiliated herein. This is only the opinion and suggestions of the reviewer and it is still up to the author of this piece to consider this review as a corrective action or otherwise. Thank you for sharing this with us and Write On! Elycia Lee ☮ Easter!   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.