Hello StephBee,

my name is Tiggy and I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest" . Thanks for entering! Please bear in mind that my comments and suggestions are only my opinion. Other reviewers might see it differently.


First Impression:

Considering that this was ‘just’ a short story, I was in awe of your setting here. It seemed like you had given this a lot of thought. I realise that you used the book you referenced at the beginning as inspiration, but even so, there were a lot of really interesting details in this tale. The readers got to meet the main character in the first few paragraphs, and not only what her status was and what she looked like, but also a bit about her personality. The way she poked her tongue against her cheek was one of those little details that helped the readers understand her better.

I’ll be honest and admit that I didn’t completely see how the contest prompt inspired this tale. Sure, the whole story is built on details - customs, rituals, symbolism in clothing, gestures, positions of people in the room, etc. And then Rua speaks the line aloud as a turning point. He seemed to be pointing out that the loophole in tradition is found in the details - the ritual may not outright forbid her from conceiving privately first, just that it requires conception. I wasn’t sure if that was enough.

Having said that, I thought the plot was intriguing. It seems to be a very odd ritual, cruel even, if the princess happens to be in love with someone, but it seems that they managed to find a way around it. The dialogue flowed quite naturally while at the same time conveying the formality of the court.


Suggestions:

The story was well written, and I only have a few small suggestions:

a gold circle within a cross
At first I read this the wrong way around, a cross within a circle, but on the second read, I realised that I couldn’t quite picture what this meant. A small circle in the centre of the cross, or more like a Celtic cross? It’s not an important details but it might warrant a bit more explanation for the readers to visualise this - or maybe it’s just me.

He had a on a blue and silver tunic
I think the first ‘a’ is redundant.

They kept the sacred crystals which was passed down in the royal family from generation to generation. The crystals were sacred
The repetition of ‘sacred’ was quite noticeable here and I would suggest rewording this slightly. Also, I think it should probably say ‘’were passed down’.

while she had faced many challenges with her High Guards from the barbarians in Yamoto, to the gray bears in the bamboo forests she dreaded the cold ceremony of conception.
The comma doesn’t seem to be in the right place. I think there should probably be one after ‘Guards’ and another after ‘forests’.

pregnant with other’s baby
‘another’s baby’ maybe?


Final Thoughts:

I enjoyed the rich culture and the fantasy element of this tale. Kala rebels against tradition not out of defiance but because she is in love, and her mother might even be able to understand that, given that she was in love with a man who didn’t father her daughter. A good story!