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 Review #4851407 |
The Calling  [13+] An unexpected guest arrives when called  |
| (4.5)|
Hello, Jeffrey Meyer , and thank you for the opportunity to review your work.I enjoyed reading this story. I particularly loved the dark twist and the implied tragic ending. It leaves much to the imagination: What would have happened, had Liza awoken? Could she have done anything about it? Could her parents? Did they all die? If not, are the parents wracked with guilt? The narrative voice was mostly spot on. I've been an adolescent girl, and I think you've captured her well in the first paragraph and the fourth paragraph, except for the line "she was a big girl now," which would be more appropriate for a toddler who can use the toilet than a teenager who just started menstruating. However, this similar line worked very well for me: "...she was being treated like a little girl!" This line made me pause: "...could feel her mother acquiescence." Not specifically the spelling error, although that, too - I believe you mean acquiesce - but this was more about wondering how she felt her mother acquiesce. Ultimately I decided that I was to get the impression that Liza actually could still hear her parents talking, but she was unable to make out the exact words, and the tone of their conversation gave her the impression that mom agreed. It did take me a sec to get there, though. The introduction of the candle and Liza lighting it was a little abrupt and stretched belief. Specifically, since she was surprised when it made her sleepy, I deduce that she's never used this candle before. Why was she quick to light it now? In fact, what prompted her to light it at all? She just said she was being treated like a little girl (by her parents), and then lit the candle. That feels contradictory. When I was an adolescent and angry with my parents, the last thing I wanted to do was comply or listen to anything they said (I was quite irrational.) Did Dad place it there so she would sleep, per his comment to Mom (implying that he placed it there in advance of all this happening)? Was lighting the candle part of Dad's instruction after Liza sassed, in addition to "Go to your room"? She literally just heard her father say he would like her to be asleep, and no one is watching to make sure she lit the candle. I would expect her to be contrary and not light it, or even actively refuse to light it, considering the argument that just took place. It would be more believable if Dad lit the candle without telling her what it was, or without her knowledge that there was a candle and she was inhaling its smoke. Or maybe Mom came in to talk to Liza, and while in the room, brought in and lit the candle with the promise that it would make her feel better. After all, Liza's beef is with Dad, not Mom; Mom would be the one having conversations with Liza about the hormonal effects of menstruating, so Mom stopping in to chat about the sassing and what might have caused it is entirely plausible; and we know (1) that Mom acquiesced to the specific comment that Dad made about preferring her to sleep through the meeting, and (2) that Mom took up for Liza in the argument with Dad, making it plausible that Liza would let her in and at least listen to Mom talk. All of these facts make it believable that Mom would drug her daughter with the candle, AND that Liza would (unwittingly) let her do it. The rest was great. I love how the narrative voice got darker when Liza fell asleep, as if some other observer took over for her, but you still restricted the reader's knowledge to what she would have observed, had she been awake. Your use of imagery in the second-to-last paragraph to convey the arrival of whatever-it-is was very effective. I also appreciated that Liza stayed peacefully asleep throughout whatever carnage happens next, since didn't contribute to the calling in any way, while I imagine her parents, who were guilty of causing the crisis, were quite aware of what was happening when it happened. A dark little part of me feels like they deserved it. I realize you had a word count restriction at the time of writing, so please let me know if you'd like a revised review at any point. Thanks again for the opportunity. It was a pleasure reading your work. Cheers, Michelle  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/09/2026 @ 3:22pm EST