 Comedy: May 27, 2020 Issue [#10192] |
This week: Going Out Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I like the stay-at-home part. Not too crazy about the mom aspect.
--Ali Wong
I'm a very lazy, stay-at-home kind of girl.
--Jerry Hall
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
--Steven Wright |
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Depending on where you live, some businesses might or might not be open. For the ones that are open, you might or might not want to visit them. I'm not taking sides here, but if you have to -- or want to -- stay home, it's entirely possible that by now you're pretty sick of it.
So I present to you this handy guide for replicating the feeling of going out without having to leave the house. (Some delivery may be required.)
The Movie Theater
There's just something about sitting in a dark room with dozens of other people, eating overpriced concessions and watching things blow up on the screen. If your local theaters are closed, though, it's remarkably easy to get the same experience right at home.
 Place your least comfortable chair close enough to the TV that the screen takes up the same field of view as a movie screen.
Chew some gum.
While you're chewing the gum, pop a bunch of corn and then drizzle it with motor oil.
Press the used gum into the chair seat.
Sprinkle half the popcorn onto the floor and stomp on it.
Set your phone to play a loop of a baby crying. Turn the volume up to 11 and leave the phone behind the chair.
Shred a $50 bill.
Turn out the lights, sit down, and enjoy the movie and popcorn. Remember, no talking, texting or pausing!
The Barber / Hairdresser
A lot of people have been missing this experience. Not me. I'm channeling my inner hippie, and have been doing so for maybe a year now. But if you're really desperate, you can play pretend.
Grab some scissors, a comb, a brush, an electric razor, some disinfectant, and a towel.
Drag a chair into the bathroom. This needn't be the one you watched the movie in.
Drape the towel over your shoulders and pour the disinfectant onto it.
Start cutting your hair while talking to yourself about the weather, sports, and pets.
Continue cutting your hair while shifting the conversation to politics.
Realize that you're dealing with a crazy person with the wrong politics and cut your hair at a weird angle.
Give up, power on the razor, and shave all the hair off. It'll grow back eventually, right?
Shred a $50 bill.
The Bookstore
Not many of these around anymore, but you can recreate the shopping experience in your living room.
Gather up all the old books I know you have lying around everywhere, and put them on a shelf.
Spend a couple of hours reading dust jackets and back covers.
Get bored, pick one at random.
Shred a $50 bill.
Keep the book on your lap while bingeing Netflix.
The Beach
Some beaches are open, but who wants to deal with the crowds?
Turn the heat up to 95F.
Set up a heat lamp and turn it on, then strip down to your underwear.
Cook up some hot dogs and grab some Cokes.
Put the hot dogs and Cokes under the heat lamp.
Spread a towel on the floor near the lamp.
Cover the exposed regions of your body with Crisco.
Break a couple of empty bottles into tiny shards.
Sprinkle some of the shards on the towel and dump the rest into your underpants.
Lie on the towel for six hours, staring at the heat lamp while eating tepid dogs and drinking warm Coke.
Shred a $50 bill.
The Bar / Pub / Tavern / Dive
Of all the things I miss, I miss this the most. Here's how to do it at home:
Get some cheap booze, beer, wine, or whatever delivered.
If you're in a barbaric region that doesn't deliver alcohol, I hope you have some disinfectant left from your trip to the barber.
Pour out a bottle of something onto the floor.
Set the TV to a channel playing a sport that you don't like.
Fill a bowl with the cheapest, most stale crackers you can find.
Drink the booze and eat the crackers while watching the game anyway.
Shred a $100 bill.
Well, I hope this guide has been helpful for you in your quest to get the going-out experience at home. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a movie to watch. Where did I put that motor oil? |
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