 Comedy: April 14, 2021 Issue [#10713] |
This week: The Eyes Have It! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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A very dear friend of ours in our Florida community, asked me to help him acquire his birth certificate online. He didn't have a computer and trying to do it on his phone was a tedious task at best. I agreed to help him with the forms that needed to be done. Easy, right? 
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It all started when he tried to renew his license in person. Unfortunately, he waited so close to his birthday, when the current license would have expired, that when he showed his original birth certificate which had faded over time, it was ruled unreadable and unacceptable. That meant, to renew his current license, he'd have to order a verified copy of his New York birth certificate.
That evening at the clubhouse we pulled up the forms to get a certified copy. He was doing great for the first couple pages, and then ... "What hospital were you born in, Chief?"
"How the heck should I know? It's New York City, there are many hospitals there."
"Do you want me to look-up Catholic hospitals in the neighborhood you grew up in? Maybe one will sound familiar. Look, this one was in existence when you were born, your mother was Catholic, the name is St. Mary's, and it seems to be the closest to your area, do you think that could be it?"
"Sorry, I just can't say for sure. Is there another question I can answer and just leave that one blank?"
Here is when the series of unfortunate events started in the pursuit of his trying to prove who he is in order to satisfy the document's requirements.
I asked him if he had any attachment either through work or places lived at for the past decades of his life within New York, and even a Florida residence was thrown in for good measure. I proceeded to check the ones that applied. I'd ask him if he was sure he didn't miss one, and he told me he was sure. I press the enter button and another series of obscure questions popped-up just in case he may forgotten some place at some time. However, the next set asked about cities he never had dealings with. He began affirming names he recognized.
"Are you sure, Chief? These questions are asking for a negative. You're sure you are telling me to check-off the cities that apply?"
"Yes, some cities I recognize and others I don't."
I completed that list and was sent to another page of more difficult questions, because evidently he missed one of the cities that should or shouldn't have been checked because we got sent to a page that claimed he did not have enough identifying information to complete the order as-is, online. They told him he needed to send other forms of ID to acquire records from the great state of New York. The next day, he called the number on the form to ask what identification would be acceptable. The woman who responded to his call told him to just send his current, valid picture ID, like a driver's license.
Now you see the problem, folks. His driver's license was not valid because it was past his expiration date of his birthday. He was given a provisional piece of paper that gave him 40 days to acquire necessary documentation. He couldn't get the documentation without a picture ID. He had no passport that could be used as proof of ID.
The next two weeks he was on the phone with the record processing department for his birth certificate inquiring about which ID could be used.
That dear man started to gather every piece of identification of his past , including taxes paid bills in NY, current car registration in Florida, water bill, electric bill, military service card -- everything he could find to fax over to them. Each day, he'd get an email claiming one could be used but all the others were not necessary. They demanded a photo ID. After he explained about the driver's license being expired, he asked if he could fax the expired license along with the provisional license. They told him he'd need to also send another monthly bill that has his address on it. They could accept his electric bill or water bill, but not both, so he was asked for a phone bill. He said he pays automatically and electronically for his cell phone and has no landline. The next day he made a trip to T-Mobile and asked to get a copy of the bills and payments made within the past three months, with his current address on the record. Bingo! They printed out bills for past three months for him, and New York accepted those. However, his picture came out blurry on his faxed driver's license, thus unacceptable. They asked him to take a picture of it with his phone then upload it and email it it as an attachment. 
Well, folks, the squeaky wheel gets the oil. He had been so persistent, I believe that they could no longer deny he is who he says he is. His provisional would expire in a couple weeks, that's how long this little dance went on, and New York said it would take up to forty days to receive the official birth certificate copy. He called the DMV explaining there would be a further delay and could he get another extension on the provisional. The same woman knew him by then and told him he could have an extension under the circumstances.
I was happy that all that drama was sorted out for him. A few days later he came in to the clubhouse grinning from ear to ear. "I got my birth certificate! and we are going to have a pizza party on Saturday night to celebrate it."
"Wow, Chief, less than a week and they sent it? They must have been so tired of hearing from you everyday they put you on the express delivery!" I truly believe that was the case, folks! 
The following Monday, he made an appointment to visit the DMV. He was to be there on Thursday afternoon. Me being the witch I am, told him, "After everything you've been through, Chief, I bet you won't pass the eye test." I was totally joking, and he knew it because he had his prescription glasses from his eye doctor and had no issues, so he was positive the eye test would not be a problem.
That Thursday evening after he had dropped a friend off at the airport following his DMV appointment, he came to the clubhouse very agitated.
"WebWitch, you'll never guess what happened at the DMV today. I failed the eye test!" 
And that, my friends is an Eye-told-you-so, wrap for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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A man tries to explain his nakedness to a police officer. A Dialogue 500 challenge.
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Some Responces from lLast month's Newsletter Question for the Newsfeed. "Comedy Newsletter (March 17, 2021)"
Have you ever screwed up royally by jumping to conclusions?
tj-Merry Mischief Maker 
Yes, I have! The first time, about twenty years ago, right after my divorce that resulted in my credit being very low. I saw an ad for a secured credit card that was supposed to increase its credit line quite rapidly and help rebuild my credit. With two hundred dollars secured I would get a card with a four hundred dollar limit. I decided to go for it, but instead of giving out my bank information, I opted to print out the form and send it via snail-mail with a money order for the deposit.
Needless to say, I never received a card and in reporting it I learned that it was all a scam. Luckily, I sent a money order and was only out the deposit amount, other's had their banks emptied as well.
Joy 
Yup, Often! Even at my age. You'd think I'd know better by now.
Usually, my jumped-up conclusions are tamer and probably nicer than what was intended on the other's side, but still, I'd rather have hawk eyes to see into things more precisely.
And I treat Amazon with kid gloves. So I'm safe that way, at least for the time being.
TheBusmanPoet 
I jumped to a conclusion when I was in my early 20's and got royally screwed over. I've never made that mistake again. I have little trust and I'm extremely cynical. I make no assumptions or jump to conclusions in 40 years.
I found ordering online as a gift not a curse and is way easier than going to a physical store unless you have no other choice too.
elephantsealer
Something that we, humans, do is to jump easily to conclusions. And because we do it without first thinking, we repeat it a number of times without assessing the situation first. I still like to be as human as I am, though, even with all that "jumping to conclusions".
~Brian K Compton~
Yes. Always. Thank you, anxiety.
These are just a few responses on last month's question. Thanks to everyone who responded. I wish I had enough room to show them all. 
Feedback sent via newsletter comment area:
ForeverDreamer
That could easily happen to me.
I totally understand, being one who jumped the gun before taking time to rearrange my brain!
See you next month, folks!
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