 Comedy: May 26, 2021 Issue [#10783] |
This week: Office Conversations Edited by: Waltz Invictus  
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Our business is infested with idiots who try to impress by using pretentious jargon.
-David Ogilvy
I'm terrible with tech. But I'm good with jargon. I can sound like I know what I'm doing.
-Michael Emerson
The best time to catch tribal jargon is when it's not looking.
-Susie Dent |
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Pundits predict a mass return to the office after more than a year of work-from-home relief, so for those of you who will be returning to the commute, and for anyone who might be considering an office job for the first time, I thought I'd provide a brief guide to the kinds of conversations you might have in an office environment.
Managers like to use arcane lingo and incomprehensible phrases. It makes them sound like they're on top of things. Or, as they might put it, it engenders an atmosphere of sustainable competence, providing a framework for internal communication and team-centered reliability.
In truth, though, it mostly serves to muddy the corporate waters. Here are some examples:
"Leverage our core competences in order to promote mission values."
Translation: Do your jobs.
"Iterate your orthogonal administration to implement our core goals."
Translation: Write that report.
"Demonstrate fungibility."
Translation: Show us why we shouldn't lay you off.
"Benchmark our emerging systems using next-generation architectures."
Translation: We're about to get new software. Learn it.
"Let's put a pin in this and circle back around to it next week, see if we can synergize the efficacy of it then."
Translation: I don't want to hear this now; I'm busy.
"Productize intrinsic processes in terms of global sustainability."
Translation: I have no idea what I'm talking about.
"Credibly evisculate revolutionary e-services."
Translation: I really like my middle-management salary and want to keep it.
"Pursue innovation in the realm of bleeding-edge best practices."
Translation: Please help me -- I'm trapped in corporation hell.
"Continually enable on-demand orchestration of tactical benefits."
Translation: I have memorized the thesaurus, but I don't really understand it.
So, there you go. I hope this short guide will be helpful in leveraging your core competencies. If not, you could always do the unthinkable and actually ask your boss what he or she means. But if you do that, be prepared to update your resume. |
Some funnies that (hopefully) don't require specialized lingo to understand:
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Last time, in "Specifics" , I gave some advice on being specific in comedy writing.
🐕GeminiGem🎁  : One morning I am at my desk in the Internal Medicine clinic, minding my own business. Someone has a seat in my visitor's chair so I automatically look up and prepare to help one of our patients. What greets me is a man in a nice button-up shirt, tie, and a horse mask. His legs are crossed in a relaxed manner and he appears to be regarding me quietly. I am caught me off guard so completely and I burst out laughing. The man was one of our pediatricians. He clearly knew about the comedic effect of horse masks.
Horse masks: Never not funny.
And that's it for me for May! See you next month. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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