 Comedy: July 27, 2022 Issue [#11480] |
This week: Something Funny About That Critter Edited by: 🐕GeminiGem🎁  
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Dogs never bite me. Just humans. ~Marilyn Monroe
In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. ~Terry Pratchett.
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? ~Jerry Seinfeld.
I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people. ~Doris Day.
What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job. ~George Carlin.
Greetings! I am 🐕GeminiGem🎁 , and I am a regular (some might argue, irregular} Comedy newsletter editor. |
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Something Funny About That Critter
First of all, I want to comment on the quote I have above from Marilyn Monroe: Dogs never bite me. Just humans.. Is it just me or it is a bit ambiguous? Does it mean that dogs don't bite her, only humans bite her? Or does it mean that dogs don't bite her because they only bite humans? I rather suspect it is the former not the latter, but I will let you interpret it as you will. Oh, and I happen to agree with her if it is the former 
Have you ever been in my port here on WdC? If you have, I bet you caught on that animals play a big part in my writing. If you didn't catch that, perhaps you should look again. I am also a strong believer in the value that animals play in bringing comedy to a story. Whether they are the main characters or supporting characters, animals of just about any sort can bring the funny. They can strategically break the tension in stories, they can serve as a sounding board for a human character, they be funny themselves or give the human characters a vehicle for a funny moment.
I thought I would share with you a lesser-known short story of mine as an illustration.
Buddy and Sally Run For Mayor
by 🐕GeminiGem🎁
"You want a writing assignment that bad, eh? Okay, kid, go on up to Guffey and interview the mayoral candidates. Write it up, and have it in my inbox by Monday morning." The editor turned and walked off.
Mayoral candidates! Well, that was something, wasn't it? I wasn't big into politics, but surely everyone knew about the basic issues, infrastructure, tourism, schools, police...um, I was sure there would be others, but I felt I could keep up.
I tried to call and make appointments to talk to the candidates, but got nowhere. Finally, a lady with a two-pack-a-day Marlboro voice said, " Just come up here and drop into the Rolling Thunder Cloud. You'll find them there."
I plugged the Rolling Thunder Cloud Bar and Grill into my car's GPS and headed out. I was new to Colorado and was still finding my way around. I found myself heading west, right towards the Rocky Mountains. The GPS then sent me up Ute Pass. The road curved back and forth. There were huge red rock cliffs right along the side of the road with boulders that looked ready to come bouncing down onto the road at any moment.
I did arrived at the Rolling Thunder Cloud in one piece. It was a beautiful day, sunny and cool. I was glad I chose a suit with slacks instead of a skirt today. When I walked in, it was clear I was an outsider. The people at the bar just glanced at me and turned away. The bartender gave me a civil nod. I stood there for a minute, unsure. I didn't see anyone I could visually identify as a mayoral candidate.
A waitress came in and approached me. "You that writer from the paper?" she said in the two-pack-a-day Marlboro voice. Her name tag said she was "Sandy".
"Yes, Leah Jensen from the Colorado Springs Star"
"And you want to interview the candidates for mayor." She said this as a statement, but one that needed confirmation.
"Yes, that is the assignment I was given."
"Okay, then, come with me. They are on the patio since they aren't allowed in the restaurant area."
I looked at Sandy to ask her why politicians weren't allowed in the restaurant area, but she walked away before I could get that clarification. She headed through a side door and I followed. The patio was a huge wooden deck with lots of patio tables with umbrellas. "Have a seat. Do you want something to drink?"
"I'll have a Diet Coke, please."
A beautiful Golden Retriever was heading my way, plumed tail waving, mouth open in a friendly grin.
Sandy indicated the dog. "I'll get that drink for you, and you can get started with the first candidate in the meantime." She headed back in to get my drink.
I am sure I had a look of confusion on my face. Maybe this is the candidate's dog, and he or she will be along momentarily. Yes, that has to be it. The Golden's head was on my lap now, and his beautiful brown eyes were looking up at me like I was his new best friend. I stroked the dog's silky coat, and the dog scooted closer. He's going to be on my lap here in a moment. I love dogs, but I'm not sure that is the "professional writer" image I wanted to project.
My hand caught what felt like a large tag hanging from the dog's collar. I was curious about the dog's name, so I bent down to read it.
Hi! My name is Buddy
I am running for Mayor
Vote for me!
Sandy returned with my Diet Coke. "Hey, Sandy, what is this I read on Buddy's collar?"
She beamed. "Yes! Buddy is one of our challengers from the Repuplican party. Lots of folks think he's got a good chance to win because he's got those blond good looks and because he's so friendly. His detractors say he's easily distracted and doesn't concentrate on the matters at hand, so he would be a poor choice for mayor. He also isn't fixed and has a wandering eye..."
I took a big hit off my Diet Coke. It gave me a minute to process this information.
Sandy whispered behind her hand, "There have been some rumors of sexual misconduct, too."
"Sexual misconduct? From an un-neutered Golden Retriever? What are the odds?" I said.
"Exactly! I think you need to meet the other challenger." To the Golden, she said, " Buddy! Off you go."
A few minutes later, Sandy came back with another dog. A tiny female Chihuahua with huge ears, one eye, and the tip of her tongue sticking out. She fixed her remaining eye on me, staring straight at me. She didn't look particularly friendly.
"Sally here was rescued from a puppy mill. She's got lots of life experience, and she don't put up with no crap from no one. She's a tough old broad, and some say that's what is needed in the mayor's office. Her detractors are basically afraid of her."
I was a little nervous myself, but Sandy was handing her to me so I put my arms out to receive her. I looked her back in her one eye. Sally might not be pretty, but there was so much to this dog, I could see it. "I'd vote for you," I whispered into one of her sensitive ears.
"Do people vote?" I asked.
"We get a pretty good turnout, especially when the race is this close and we offer two-for-one draft beers during the election. "
Before I left, I met Monster, the incumbent from the Democat party. She was a beautiful dark tortoiseshell cat. She looked like she was very settled into being mayor and that made me think it might be time for a change.
I realized I had been punked by my editor, but I wasn't going to let it stop me. I wrote up a story about the three mayoral candidates in Guffey, Colorado, and had it in his inbox by Monday morning.
Author's note: This is a work of fiction based on real life. The town of Guffey, Colorado is a real place. They have a population of somewhere between 68 and 98 residents. They really do elect a dog or cat as their mayor.
Here's where you can find this story in my port: "Buddy and Sally Run For Mayor" |
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Feedback from my last comedy newsletter "I Would Advise Against Taking My Advice"
From Annette 
I used to obsess about the way the towels got folded. I still fold mine neatly. Sometimes, when there is a mountain of dry laundry, I ONLY fold the towels and then I yell at the rest of the family to get their stuff out of my way. That way, I get my towels folded in a way that they fit into the towel rack while only doing five minutes of work and leaving them to pair up the socks for a five-person family.
That sounds more reasonable than having someone else do it and then making a big fuss about the way they choose to fold the towels, unless you just want that drama in your life.
From Sumojo 
Thank you so much for highlighting my poem in this week’s newsletter.
Cheers Sue
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