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There is no one way to be a man. Yet, men experience many forms of pressure to conform, with dire consequences.
This week's Action/Adventure Newsletter, then, is all about toxic masculinity.
How can we make life better for men?
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What comes to mind when you read the term ‘toxic masculinity’? Do you feel that it is unfair? Problematic, even? It is often thought to imply that masculinity itself is toxic, and meets with protest that men struggle with many different issues. They do. Being a man is not easy, and addressing toxic masculinity would go some way towards enhancing men’s quality of life.
Toxic masculinity may not be the best-phrased term, but as a concept it has merit. It refers to the norms and standards men are expected to live up to, the pressures they face to be a certain kind of man, the way that men are socialised. For example, there’s the old saying that ‘boys don’t cry’. Too often, young boys are taught that they have to be tough. That it doesn’t do to shed tears, to show their emotions. Tears are for girls. Sustained pressure to avoid expressing pain and sorrow becomes reinforced by the beliefs of other boys, who have learned the same lesson to suppress their emotions, and sooner or later it becomes internalised, and difficult to change. Not impossible, but unlearning that kind of self-regulation when there are feelings like shame and guilt attached takes work. In the meanwhile, men are less likely than women to seek medical help (the health consultation gap between men and women diminishes once help is sought). Just 36 per cent of referrals for talking therapies in the UK are for men. These pressures, then, can place men’s physical and mental health at risk, which can have dire consequences.
Another pressure placed on men may have lessened slightly with time, but the notion of who should be the breadwinner still lingers. It is not uncommon for tensions to arise in households when a wife begins to earn more money than her husband. Again, a sense of shame or guilt can be experienced. Some men feel like a failure when this occurs. It places a couple in a difficult situation – the man feels pressure to work harder, to climb that ladder, to pursue a career, perhaps, that he does not truly desire, just to earn more, whilst the woman may feel bad about pursuing suitable opportunities in order to spare her partner’s feelings. It is not healthy, not for the people involved, nor for their relationship.
One in three victims of domestic abuse in the UK are men. Yet, just 4.4 per cent of male victims are supported by local domestic abuse services. Men are less likely to tell people that they’re being abused. Less likely to seek help. And not enough help is available to those who do seek help. The problem is not limited to the internalised shame and fear of seeking help; all too often violence against men is dismissed, and even mocked. This is especially the case when the abuser is female. What, you’re letting yourself get beat up by a little woman? Whilst there have been some efforts in recent years to highlight this problem, and to stress that domestic violence goes beyond the physical, more needs to be done so that all victims can come forward and find safety and support.
The effects of toxic masculinity are far-reaching. Men are expected to enjoy sports (and have a favourite team). They are expected to be able to drink more than women, to eat more than women, to be able to eat spicy food. As though one’s digestive system has anything to do with what it is to be a man. Men don’t like romantic movies (or so it is claimed). Action movies are where it’s at. Or horror! The gorier the better! Come on, you’re not scared, are you?
It truly is toxic, this belief about what is masculine, and what is not. It inflicts harm in many different ways, big and small, and it’s so pervasive that it often goes unnoticed. It’s seen, simply, as the way it is. That means that current generations will teach future generations that boys don’t play with dolls, boys shouldn’t aspire to become a nurse, or a dental assistant, or a receptionist. And boys don’t cry.
I’m afraid that it will take time to change these pressures and beliefs. They are deeply embedded, and they differ slightly from society to society and over time. Some steps that can be taken will need to be taken by men themselves. Men can encourage other men to open up more, to be available when a friend or colleague needs to talk, to show that it’s okay to struggle, to share their own struggles and normalise expressing one’s emotions. Fathers can teach their sons that boys do cry, that their hobbies and interests and aspirations are okay, even if they aren’t what has traditionally been considered masculine. But women can help, too. They can help by creating a safe space for their partner to share their thoughts and doubts and feelings. By not expecting their partner to be the ‘hard man’. By truly being partners, equals, who have each other’s backs and who support the other’s goals and dreams.
As writers we can help, too. We can help by moving away from the idea of the stereotypical masculine hero and, in doing so, normalise the many ways of being a man. You could make your hero emotionally available. He may find knitting relaxing, have zero interest in football, enjoy ballet instead. He may like puppies and kittens (I mean, who doesn’t, really), invite a woman on a date to a romantic movie because he actually wants to watch it, love his childhood teddy bear. The possibilities are endless. You can pick one little thing – a traditional tough guy who likes Disney songs, for example – or combine a few traits. It’s up to you. But it helps. If enough writers embrace the idea that all that it takes to be a man is to reach the age of majority – that, in other words, there is no one way to be a man – we can help redefine masculinity. Make it healthy, rather than toxic.
That’d be good, wouldn’t it?
NaNoKit
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Action/Adventure: August 17, 2022 Issue [#11514]
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