 Comedy: March 15, 2023 Issue [#11856] |
This week: The Cataract Chronicles Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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Since my newsletter in December, "Comedy Newsletter (December 21, 2022)" I had been prescribed corrective lenses. I was told that I had cataracts, but they were just starting ... not ripe enough for surgery. Yeah, sure! |
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Hello folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Years ago I wrote several newsletters relating to the Ruby Chronicles. Ruby is my 2005, Volvo SUV. She was touch and go for a while, there. Eventually she had the necessary undercarriage replacement surgery. It was just the lift she needed to ride proudly on the highways without dragging her bottom on the ground. Lucky girl. Frankly, I wouldn't mind a lift to my backside, either! 
Begin the Cataract Chronicles:
When I came South for the winter I made an appointment with an Ophthalmologist to find out why I was suddenly seeing double. It's then that I discovered I have cataracts. Simple, right? I'll just get those suckers removed and go on with my life being able to see clearly, again. Unfortunately, not so. Since my cataracts were not quite "ripe" enough I was told insurance companies prefer corrective lenses are used before stepping into the surgical choice. I figure, that's cool so long as the double vision clears up. It was December, my follow up visit was set for January to see how I adjusted to my glasses. I guess witch-eyes ripen sooner than regular people's eyes. In fact, they're practically in the fermentation stage. 
That first visit was in November. Before December ended my glasses no longer worked for me. Got that? hundreds of dollars invested in distance and reading glasses since I wasn't a good candidate for bifocals, suddenly are now useless. While wearing the glasses I flipped them above my eyes and saw the same blurriness that got me to the eye doctor. When I returned in January, the eye doctor asked me about the glasses.
"They don't work. They're useless! Why did I spend all that money for glasses that don't work?"
"Actually WebWitch, the eyeglasses helped strengthen your eye muscles. They look better than before."
"Doc, I'm not entering my eyes in a weightlifting contest, I'm trying to see out of them, you know, be able to drive and see signs. What am I supposed to do with strong eye muscles and poor vision?"
"I'll be frank, WebWitch. Your cataracts have grown since December. It appears that they are now ripe enough for surgery.Have you thought about lens replacement surgery?"
The words that ran across my mind's eyes at that moment aren't fit for family viewing— or actually for some adult viewing. That bad, folks. 
"Yes, doctor, I have thought about surgery. I also thought my glasses would help for longer than two months. Yes, please set me up for cataract surgery. Take away that which prevents me from seeing with some semblance of clarity."
"Okay, WW, we'll set you up with the surgeon. I don't do the cataract surgeries anymore because my hands are riddled with arthritis and it wouldn't be good if my trigger finger jerked suddenly while trying to cut out the old lens, now, would it? But don't worry. We only do one eye at a time so if such an accident should happen, eh, you still got one blurry eye left." 
That day I set up an appointment with the surgeon. The earliest date I could get is about the time this newsletter is coming out. My eyes will be in somebody else's hands at that point. My problem is, I need to get both eyes working before heading North. I usually leave Florida in early May. I fear the whole surgery date lineups will drag on beyond my Florida heat index toleration. Anything after May is unbearable heat for this witch. 
But wait, —there's more!
To be continued ...
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Will Joe ever come out of the closet?
Winner Writing Exercise Contest 3/6/04
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Beholden 
Fossilhood! Thank you for inventing the word that most accurately describes my confition.
Oh, and is your handyman prepared to travel?
Welcome to the Fossilhood Secret Society! 
I wish the handyman would travel. I could use him in Massachusetts, too! 
May the luck of the Irish be with you! 
See you next month!
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