 Romance/Love: August 09, 2023 Issue [#12107] |
This week: Love According to Sternberg Edited by: SantaBee  
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“Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade.” – Robert Sternberg
“I think people desperately want to feel love.” – Gary Chapman
Welcome to August! It’s Romance Awareness month. The month was created to encourage couples to re-kindle those romantic feelings. That said, every couple has its own romantic beats, from enjoying a fancy dinner, sharing chocolates, and giving flowers. Gary Chapman, the author of “Love Languages” offers us some great reminders for expressing our love to others which include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, and acts of service. Believe it or not, vacuuming the rug for your loved one can be taken as a very romantic gesture if your loved one’s love language is acts of service.
Chapman isn’t the only one who has taken a “deeper” look at love. Robert Sternberg is an American psychologist who has done a lot of work studying love. When it comes to interpersonal relationships he gives us a look at the three components of love and how we weave them into our lives. That said, let’s take a look at love according to Sternberg.
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In 1986, Sternberg developed three components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. He called this theory the “triangular theory of love,” and these components were fundamental to “love.” They interact in different ways to show eight different types of love.
Passion
is motivation, physical attraction, arousal, sexual consummation. Passion is intense, capturing strong feelings. It develops quickly and is full of excitement. When two people meet and they “click,” a strong sexual desire can develop between them. This sexual drive fuels the passion. This component of love usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship , and according to Stenberg can last 3-12 months. Passion can ignite the chemical components in the brain, setting off neurotransmitters that focus on phenylethylamine (a stimulant) and oxytocin.
Intimacy
is feeling close and connected in a bonded relationship. Intimacy grows out of an emotional investment in a relationship. There is a sense of a high regard for the other person and that want to make each other happy. They value each other. It can be argued that intimacy is the bridge between passion and commitment.
Commitment
is the purposeful choice to make a long term relationship. Interestingly, passion and intimacy aren’t necessarily needed for a commitment. This component is generally stable over time as the people involved in the relationship continue to be satisfied with each other. Here commitment implies a promise to be loyal, to give something to other person, or an attitude that one will support the other person.
Stenberg believed that all couples go through these components – they meet, they spark, they explore the sexual attraction developing an intimacy that they enjoy which leads to commitment. Some people meet and spark, but don’t click enough to develop the intimacy which leads to the choice of a long term relationship. Some enjoy the passion and intimacy, but hesitate making that commitment, seeking to enjoy “best friends with benefits.”
To sum up, the love that will last a lifetime needs passion, intimacy and commitment.
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Feedback from my last Romance/Love NL dated: 12 JUL 2023:
Annette 
I never knew that Christmas in July is an old tradition. It's no surprise that commerce caught wind of it and is using it to sell things. Since that is how I first heard about Christmas in July, I found the idea ludicrous.
A word on heat for Christmas, remember that Australia is in the middle of summer in December. They have hot Christmas every year.
It’s all about the marketing. Australia Christmas sounds like fun.
Incurable Romantic
Steph, thank you for including my reply to your question about the first hint we noticed when we met our significant other. Sometimes even the slightest gesture can make a major difference in someone's life, and that gesture of Linda's brought us 14 wonderful years together. Hopefully, those readers that have been wondering when something would happen in their lives will notice how little it really takes, and that that idea will give them hope.
Jim - aka Incurable Romantic
Thanks for sharing, Jim.
Lilli 
Oh, I really enjoyed this newsletter. Especially the three prompts/tropes you included at the end!
Thanks, Lilli. I had no idea on the tropes either. When it gets closer to December, I might flesh out some more.
SantaBee is a 911 dispatcher for LAPD. Ella is a tennis player who is attracted to down-to-Earth, Logan, but will danger complicate matters between them? "Arrow of the Heart" is now available on Amazon as an ebook. |
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