 Comedy: December 06, 2023 Issue [#12303] |
This week: Travel Advice Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
—Mark Twain
A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving.
—Lao Tzu
The traveler sees what he sees. The tourist sees what he has come to see.
—G.K. Chesterton |
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I happen to be traveling when this edition of the Comedy newsletter is due, so, in the spirit of writing what I know, here's some sage advice for travelers.
As a seasoned traveler, I have a duty to share some of the knowledge I've gleaned from hard experience. I mean, I could have learned from others' advice and mistakes, but who the hell reads other peoples' travel advice?
So here are some hard-learned lessons.
1. Never ask the hotel front desk for a dining recommendation.
There are several good reasons for this, which in hindsight are obvious, but I had to learn the hard way.
First, regional tastes vary widely. Be wary of weird dishes with unnatural ingredients, especially when traveling in the American Midwest.
Also, even if the locals eat something approaching normal for you, the receptionist will inevitably be trying to help out their cousin's ex-spouse's kid from a previous marriage, who runs a nearby restaurant, and runs it badly. Or maybe they're just getting kickbacks from the worst restaurant in town, the one the locals know to avoid.
Every time I violate this rule, thinking, I don't know, maybe the previous dozen instances were anomalies, I regret it.
One time, for instance, in a remote corner of Washington (the state), I got directed to the only Chinese restaurant in town, which had the distinction of being the absolute worst I've ever had the misfortune of consuming. That's an accomplishment, I suppose.
Another example, from central Missouri: "You're in luck! There's a truly excellent diner just a few doors down!" So I go to the diner, and it's clean enough, and the workers are really pleasant, but when I got my food it was half undercooked and half overcooked, and how does that even work?
Or more recently, because I can't seem to learn my own lessons, I asked at a front desk and got sent to a sports bar that wasn't supposed to close for another two hours, but the people there acted put out by taking my order and, as I was eating, destroyed my sense of smell and taste with industrial-strength cleaning products while doing their closing chores. Well, at least I knew they took cleaning seriously, which is more than I could say for some restaurants.
So instead, just do what normal people do and consult Google. Sure, it can lead you astray, too, but it's more reliable than hotel desk clerks.
My next bit of sage wisdom (because it's thyme) seems like it should be obvious, but with many obvious things, there's always a twist.
2. Be Prepared.
The twist is that whatever you prepare for, something else will go wrong.
A few years ago, I spent a week in Seattle. Being aware of the city's climate reputation, I brought an umbrella and a raincoat. Not a cloud in the sky all week.
I didn't bring that stuff to Las Vegas, because it's in a desert. Rained the whole time.
Pack for cold weather, and you get hot. Plan for heat, and it'll freeze. So you figure, "Better plan for both," which is when you get a tornado.
It's good to be prepared. But it's impossible to always be physically prepared, because the universe has a sick sense of humor. So mental preparation will have to suffice, steeling your mind to accept that when things go wrong, they will do so in the weirdest way possible, and whatever material you brought with you will be useless to the task.
This is why I don't go hiking, by the way. Well, one of the reasons. I'd have to bring along too much stuff for every eventuality: a snakebite kit to ensure a snake won't bite me; a splint to prevent me from twisting my ankle; food and a portable stove so I don't get hungry; a sleeping bag so I don't get lost (if I don't get lost, I'm not hiking long enough to need to sleep), and so on. Lots of stuff to lug around, stuff that will never get used, but if I don't bring it, that's when I'll need it.
Pack bear spray, and you'll never see a bear. You might get bit by a shark, though.
There's more, but I'll save it for the next editorial. |
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Last time, in "Buncha Turkeys" , my advice for Thanksgiving was, basically, "don't travel."
oldgreywolf on wheels  : 🤣.
Excellent comment, thanks.
And in response to my August editorial, "Brevity" :
oldgreywolf on wheels : HUP among the sctentifically don't-give-a-sh, um, illiterate?
That's almost as "funny" as grade school teachers in California who never learned to write cursive having to teach their students to write cursive.
I gotta admit, I don't really get why cursive has become a national discussion right now, what with, you know, real problems aplenty. So I find the arguing amusing.
So that's it for me... until next year! Hope you have adequately pleasurable holidays, and
LAUGH ON!!!
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