 Comedy: March 13, 2024 Issue [#12456] |
This week: The Madness of March! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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| This is a story of a failed DIY-er. I used to be great at stuff. What happened? Oh, yeah, age crept up on me. |
| ASIN: 1542722411 |
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Amazon's Price: $ 12.99
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Hello, folks! Welcome to another edition of The Comedy Newsletter, dedicated to those of you, who after years of watching the Do It Yourself, type of shows finally attempt to do what looks so easy when other people are doing them right in front of us. Yeah, sure! They have film crews pausing their errors and doing retakes so that the whole procedure looks so simple even a WebWitch can do it.
Do believe it folks. It’s not as simple as it seems. I have stopped watching endless hours of home and garden projects that I fully intended on completing, spring after spring. I realize that my handyperson skills are not very skillful and certainly not very handy.
Years ago, I could climb ladders without vertigo hitting me. I painted walls in the house North and South plus, did my own taping and joint compounding of walls so there was a seamless appearance when done. So smoothly proficient was I, I barely needed to sand that nasty dust-scattering compound once dried.
Today, I write to you as a defeated witch. I look around my place in Florida and see jobs unfinished – too many, actually to do it myself on my own. You see, my dear handyman took ill last summer with multiple health problems that still haunt him today. I pray for his health, but I know he will not be able to return to the jobs awaiting him. I wouldn’t worry so much if the projects weren’t started, but he was so enthusiastic for the opportunity to do what he loves to do, which is to transform an old, tired, kitchen and bath and put down new flooring.
A year later, I look at the beginnings of progress: Old wall-to-wall carpeting, which I always hated, ripped out and disposed of. I felt I could breathe again! The whole place was opening up to me. I could picture newly tiled floors in all their glory. But, no, it was not to be. I look at bare plywood awaiting the new flooring which I can not do on my own. Two hip replacements and a bad back made it so once I’m down on the floor working, I can’t get up without solid leverage. A friend of mine at our little community gave me the name of the person who just put his flooring in his place. Thankfully, there was someone who’d be able to complete the job my original guy can’t do anymore because of his health.
With that decided I had to ask about the kitchen that has been started but not completed. The old cupboard doors made of cheap pressed board stuff, were torn out to be tossed in the contractor dumping bag before the pickup. That was progress, I must say. However, progress as it was before Jay’s illness, is still the unfinished cupboards needing new doors, and the kitchen ceiling needing finishing where the raw parts are after removing the horrible drop ceiling. I don’t mind the cupboard doors so much. Those can be measured and replaced easily I guess, if I were inclined to use tools and put the proper hardware in to keep them in place. I would need taller doors as well since the drop ceiling was removed. Maybe the floor guy can do those.
So rather than feeling sorry for myself, I took a moment to thank Jay who renovated my bathroom. The old tub was removed and replaced with a new walk-in shower, and glass sliding doors added to the beauty. He also did the floors, replaced the sink and toilet bringing the whole room together in a lovely, updated fashion with new lighting, too. So when I feel like complaining about what isn't finished, I go spend a moment in the bathroom appreciating the modernization of the new renovation. But something disturbed my happy thoughts...
The other day my new toilet had some issue that baffled me. It seemed that it had a mind of its own. It would flush if you sat without pushing the handle. Sometimes it would have the urge to fill more water when left on its own. I walked by the room and could hear water filling. I pushed it out of my mind for my own sanity and called it a “fluke.” That fluke turned out to be a habit of doing its own thing. I decided to take a look under the lid of the tank. I saw water running in the overflow and it seemed there was no shutoff valve working. It just didn’t stop at the point where the water was completely filled. I started thinking panicky thoughts.
“What do I do? Those are not the same old parts I’m used to seeing in my antiquetoilet. I was able to work with those. I’d just tighten the chain with a safety pin so it doesn’t keep running. But these parts seemed to have more working things that required using a screwdriver. If I attempt it, will I make it worse?” 
Yes, with my luck that was a given. So, until properly fixed, I would do the turning on and off of the water valve. My new toilet has gone from an automatic press, flush, and fill, and know when to stop, to a manual shift. On with the water, off with the water, for now, until someone fixes or replaces bad parts who knows what they're doing so I don't damage any more fragile parts.
I give up on do-it-yourself. I'll leave it to others who understand toilet parts in our world now. I am officially a DIY drop out.
So folks, I hope you have better luck with all your spring projects. This witch is going to do stuff I can do without falling off a ladder or crawling around the floor looking for leverage to rise up again.
There must be something … Surely there must… 
That’s all the madness she roared for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
May all your DIY projects be successful.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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