 Comedy: April 24, 2024 Issue [#12518] |
This week: Keep the Tip Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Tipping change is bad luck, people. If you can't round your generosity up to a whole dollar, then just embrace your cheapness. Don't try to pay off your guilty conscience with quarters.
—Jacob Tomsky
Understand tipping culture. Whereas Americans tip 15-20% when dining out, most European countries don't tip, as a service charge is typically included in the bill. Make sure you're not over-tipping by doing research before traveling.
—Gillian Tans
“What's the bill, Arbuckle ??
Well, it comes to $17.94.
I gave him a twenty. He started digging for change.
You know better than that. Buy yourself a new home.”
—Charles Bukowski |
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Let's get this out of the way first: The word "tips" is not an acronym for "To Insure Prompt Service." A moment's thought should be enough to dismiss this fauxtymology: you provide a gratuity after the service in question, not before, so how is that going to make the service happen any faster? If you give someone a tip first, it's not a tip; it's a bribe.
I mention this because I've seen numerous articles on tipping etiquette that feature a "tipping expert" who confidently asserts this falsehood, proving beyond doubt that they're not an expert at all, and thus everything else they have to say on the subject is, at best, suspect.
As for me, I'm not an expert. I'm just a comedian who's fed up with this crap.
While the etymological origins of the word in the context of "gratuity" are unclear, we're sure it wasn't an acronym, any more than Ford originated as an acronym for "Found On Road, Dead." And the tip one is far less funny, because at least there's some truth to the Ford one.
What is known beyond the slightest doubt is this practice (of tipping, not of driving Fords) has gotten way out of control here in the US.
If you don't live here, congratulations, but if you visit, and survive the hail of bullets, bad English, and bald eagle attacks, you'll need to know how to handle this bizarre practice, the customs of which are generally bewildering to us, too. So here's Waltz's Concise Guide to Tipping in America:
1. Don't.
Okay, okay, fine, there are situations where a tip is not only called for, but basically required.
The classic situation is dining in restaurants. In the US, restaurants are allowed and expected to pay servers less than the minimum wage, with the understanding that they also get to keep all the tips. Why these particular workers are exempted is the subject of another rant entirely; just know that they are. Ideally, the restaurants would just raise prices enough to cover the difference, but we hardly live in an ideal world, do we? So the reality is, someone who does that much work for you deserves extra money above and beyond what's listed on the menu. 20% seems to be the standard now, which has the advantage of being fairly easy to do the math in your head.
Even there, though, there are things about the practice that make no sense to me. If I order a $200 bottle of wine, and you order a $10 one, I'm expected to tip $40 against your $2... even though the server does the exact same amount of work (also, you're a cheapskate with an underdeveloped palate).
But when you're in a more casual setting, where you have to stand in line, state your order, stand around like an idiot waiting for it, bring it to your table yourself, and then clean your own table? No. Line in the sand.
I used to tip cab drivers, too. They're providing a personalized service, and a vehicle has many hidden costs that add up over time. And then, one fateful day in Vegas (all days in Vegas are fateful), I paid with a card, and the machine suggested tip amounts starting at something like 40%, and going up from there.
That, kids, is when I first downloaded a rideshare app, and I haven't taken a cab since. And yes, I do tip the Uber driver. Just not 40%.
There are, of course, cases in the middle. Restaurant takeout orders deserve tips, just not the same amount as a sit-down-and-eat-there situation; a person is still putting your order together, usually someone who's missing out on serving dine-in folks. Someone carries your luggage to your hotel room? Personalized service, so tip. Bartenders? Always. Look, it's still cheaper than therapy and produces the same results, or better.
Some of the worst examples of "should I tip or not" is when a worker in a traditionally non-tipping situation flips that screen around and the screen shows tipping options. To be fair, it's generally not the worker's fault, so don't take it out on them... but I advise against tipping anything at that point, no matter who's watching over your shoulder.
The most egregious case of tip-begging I've ever heard of, though, involves supermarket checkout counters. The stores push people to self-checkout, which is bad enough because it's not like they're passing the savings from having fewer employees onto the consumer. But I've heard—though I can't confirm, since I never use self-checkout—that they've started demanding tips on the screens there, too.
Why? Who's providing a service? At the absolute most, someone might need to come by and check ID for age-restricted purchases, or fix one of the all-too-common mistakes the machine or customer makes. Which they'd have to do anyway at a more traditional (untipped) cashier station.
Again, in a perfect world, people would be paid well enough that tips wouldn't be required for them to also be able to afford food. Since we don't live in a perfect world, we have to live with navigating the ever-changing landscape of American tipping culture. |
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