 Comedy: February 26, 2025 Issue [#13003] |
This week: Winter's End Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn.
—Hal Borland
People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring.
—Rogers Hornsby
Winter is nature's way of saying, 'Up yours.'
—Robert Byrne |
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Here in the only hemisphere that matters, the end of the most miserable winter month of February is finally within sight, and the spring equinox isn't far behind.
This is important, at least for those of us in the questionably-named temperate zone of the northern hemisphere, because it means significantly less, perhaps even zero, snow.
Now, just to be clear, I despise snow in all its forms. No matter how light and fluffy, or dense and icy, or packed and slushy it is, the only question for me is whether to hate it, loathe it, or detest it. But it seems like most people love the nasty stuff... at least when it first appears, usually in late fall or early winter.
By this time of year, though, after shoveling tons of the disgusting discharge, weaving around clumps of it on the street, getting stuck in it in ditches, missing work because the kids are missing school again, and general snow-related weariness, more people of the northern hemisphere persuasion have come around to my point of view.
The difference is, next fall, they'll all be back in the "ooh, look, snow, how beautiful" trap, maybe because they have a short memory; meanwhile, I'll be cursing at it already in hopes that the fire of my foul language would be enough to cause it to melt in place.
It never does, but it feels damn good.
Point is, here at the end of February, the rest of the northern-hemisphere-temperate-zone denizens have finally, if only for one brief moment, become enlightened enough to think like I do.
Unfortunately, the end of this horrid month isn't also the end of snow, at least for some of us. On occasion, the nasty frozen crap falls from the sky in March, or even April.
This posed a conundrum for my father when I was a kid. Or, at least, it would have if he'd been a bit less rigid. See, Dad didn't set the home thermostat (which he asserted complete control over, as is tradition) by the outside temperature. No, he set it based on the calendar. The spring equinox would occur, and the house heating was turned completely and irrevocably (at least until the next winter solstice) off.
This led to conversations like this one:
"Dad, it's freezing in here!"
"Put on a sweater. Your grandmother made you some nice ones."
"I'm already wearing four layers. Turn on the heat!"
"But it's April."
"There's two feet of snow on the ground."
"But it's April."
"It's twenty degrees out there!" [Note: Fahrenheit, not Celsius]
"But it's April."
And then he'd make go out and shovel snow, on the theory that if I'm moving, I'm warm; and the other theory that if I'm not in the house, he can't hear me complain.
Ask me again why I hate cold weather. |
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My last Comedy newsletter, "Comedy Newsletter (January 29, 2025)" , was so powerful it left everyone speechless. So, no feedback this time.
That's it for me for now! See you next month. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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