 Comedy: October 25, 2006 Issue [#1336] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: The Milkman  
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| Peak-a-MOO look who is back once again to bring you to spurts of laughter. Nope it isn't The Great Pumpkin, Jay-O-Leno from the Tonight Show, or even Jeff Dunham... it is me The Milkman |
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Carving the Jack-O-Latern
The next three holidays require great carving skill, so I figured I'd give you a written demonstration on how to carve the most decorative of the food items...the pumpkin.
Here is my list of steps for carving the perfect pumpkin.
1. Pile the family into a form of transportation such as a car, cab, limo or public bus.
2. Drive or ride to the nearest pumpkin salesman, probably a super market or roadside vendor.
3. Say, "Wow kids look at all of the gourds!"
4. Then listen to them say, "Those are pumpkins, __________! (You know your family better than I do so I'll leave the blank for your favorite adjective.
5. Finish an argument by stating that pumpkins are in fact a member of the very bland tasting gourd family and strut like the proud, knowledgeable person that you are.
6. Pick up several medium to large pumpkins and either shake it or tap on testing the firmness.
7. Purchase said gourd along with one of those decorative pumpkin cutting knifes with patterns.
8. Corral the family back together, put pumpkin in the safest place and get back in the form of transport you used to get there.
9. Make sure everyone is wearing their seatbelts.
10. Once home gather up plenty of newspapers, if you don't have any of your own check your neighbor's front porch to see if he picked his up this morning.
11. Place paper in the place best suited for containing a mess.
12 .Before putting pumpkin on paper not only choose what sort of face you are going to put on it, but decide what would be the best place to cut into the pumpkin.
13. Grab special pumpkin carving knife and surgically insert it in the top of the pumpkin and cut in a clockwise direction until the top is off.
14. Remove top, look into the center of the gourd and say, "Gross, do I have to take all those ___________ (another blank for your creativity) seeds out of there?"
15. Listen to all of your kids say, "Yuck!"
16. Remember where you saw those thick rubber gloves that you'd thought would be perfect for this seed extraction and kick yourself for not buying them.
17. Swallow your pride and reach your hand into the pumpkin and pull the guts out of the middle.
18. To gain a little more respect, and a little laughter, gag a couple of times while your hand is in the pumpkin.
19. Swear that next year you are going to get a plastic one for the front yard.
20. Pull out patterns from knife kit and decide that they are too difficult and resort back to the triangle eyes and nose and the three-tooth smiley mouth but add ears.
21. Place the "masterpiece" on the front porch and realize that you forgot the tealamp candle.
22. Tell significant other to watch the kids while you travel to the local department store by a box of candles and those thick rover gloves (for next year).
23. Drive back home.
24. Ignore the children until dark.
25. Send kids to bed.
26. Light the candle.
27. Kiss the one you love and smile... you lived through another pumpkin carving.
28. Leave me or any one of the Writing.Com Comedy Editors a reply at the bottom of this newsletter.
I hope these instructions helped... |
Here are seven Halloweenie picks for you to chuckle over...
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