 Horror/Scary: December 05, 2007 Issue [#2092] |
  Horror/Scary
This week: Edited by: W.D.Wilcox  
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“And they call him Santa Claws….”
What if Santa wasn’t really such a nice guy? What if he was like, Jack the Ripper of Whitechapel, or Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street? What if he was nothing more than a serial killer that could break into anyone’s house at anytime?
The thought is quite frightening, yet, not totally unbelievable.
Let's take a good look at Santa and his little stooges up there in the North Pole. Unfortunately, because he has brainwashed so many people (something he uses in the candy canes) this stance will be a difficult one to take.
The Facts…
In reality, Santa Claus is a prejudice pedophile, bent on world domination. There, I've said it. Now kids everywhere will hate me. But the truth has got to be revealed....
The man with the claws sets a bad example the world over and promotes consumerism, communism, and obesity. Not only that, but his treatment of Mrs. Claus is atrocious. The fact that the feminist movement has not taken this issue up to the North Pole, in itself, is a startling realization of just what a smooth operator this jolly fella is.
Santa, the Pedophile?
Now I ask you...have you ever noticed a poor little child who is afraid of Santa, or who cried while sitting on Santa's lap? The truth is that Santa is probably doing something he's not suppose to. The sick bastard has brainwashed the entire nation into believing that it is normal to allow little children to sit on a strange man's lap just because he is wearing a horribly out of fashion winter suit. Where do you think all the child molesters of the world come from, huh? That's right, they learned it from watching the Claws!
Brainwashing?
Have you ever noticed his song lyrics? "He's making a list, he's checking it twice, he's gonna find out who's naughty and nice...." Sounds eerily like Nazi chants to me. And these are songs which our children sing every day! Oh, the horror....
Cruelty to Animals?
And there's the issue of animal rights. Santa Claus makes those poor reindeer, who were never really meant to fly in the first place, carry, by my calculations, nearly 500 million times their own weight at twice the speed of light all in one night. Granted the load does get lighter as the night goes on, BUT just think how many reindeer must instantaneously burst into flames as they pass the speed of light. Their poor singed carcasses probably never even reach the ground. That's a lot of dead reindeer folks. Is this treatment moral? What kind of sick delusional man is this Claus?
Santa...the Wife Beater?
And as for his submissive little wife, she doesn't even admit to having a first name. How out of touch is she? Santa is obviously an abusive alcoholic. I mean, come on, with his face always being red and all, and that massive beer belly, he must be the biggest alcoholic of all time. Who knows what he puts in that egg nog? Also, due to the submissiveness of his wife and her obvious mental disorder displayed through her incessant need to bake cookies, it is possible to infer that Santa beats her. What with his obvious power hungry personality, lecherous behavior, and sick use of slave labor, his abusive behavior should not be surprising. To be perfectly blunt, has anyone ever really seen Mrs. Claus? I never did...for all we know he may have beaten her to death, chopped her up into a million bite sized pieces and fed her to the reindeer long long ago. Either that, or they are divorced finally and Mrs. Claus is living on welfare while deadbeat Dad Santa Claus refuses to pay child support for their little elves. But, let's not infer anything without the facts.
Santa...or Satan
Well, they both wear a red suit, don't they? Just rearrange the letters of his first name and it is obvious who we are really dealing with here. And to mom's and dad's everywhere Christmas shopping inherently makes us commit the Seven Deadly Sins. Gee, I wonder who came up with that insidious plan?
Lastly, I have come to believe, through years and years of careful research that Santa Claus is bent on world domination. That commie bastard wants to turn the whole world toward communism. It is already present in his workshop- everyone dressed the same, list upon list of every single citizen. Everyone knows that those candy canes contain mind control. He knows every little thing about you. He could attack at anytime. Big Brother is watching you, and his name is St. Nick. Because Santa is the only one who decides who's naughty and nice, we have no way of stopping his evil plan. He has set up propaganda the world over to promote his campaign. They are called malls. As the shoppers pour in every year, spending every single cent they have on Christmas presents, they get more and more ingrained into their heads Santa's evil messages. They hear the Christmas music in every store, subliminally telling them to buy, buy, BUY! And they see the posters everywhere convincing them that spending every cent is best for all. You see, Santa's plan is to leave everyone penniless, so that they have no choice, but to listen to his demands. Then he will be supreme ruler of the world. Sick isn't it?
The only solution is to put an end to Santa Claus. He is obviously the one and only reason why humans have become so utterly wicked. His tendency to prey on small children, the treatment of his wife, and his plan for world domination, should make Santa Claus Public Enemy Number One this year. So next time you take your child to see Santa Claus, give him a gun and say, "Honey, if Santa tries to cop a feel, blow his damn brains out." Besides, your kid can't be tried as an adult anyway, so what's the harm really if you think about it. And whatever you do, stay away from the candy canes.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight...
billwilcox
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Chilling Christmas Crunchies of Glass
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The List of Naughty or Nice
Mavis Moog 
Submitted Comment:
I missed your idioms newsletter for some reason, but the comments on the Halloween made me look it up.
The idiom which struck a chord with me was To Hell in a handbasket. This one pops into my head every week at the supermarket. I see the Handbaskets Only checkout, and note the customers waiting patiently in line. I expect to see zombies there one day.
nomlet 
Submitted Comment:
Very well written, W. D. It makes me wonder what kind of writing our future countrymen would best like to read? It doesn't surprise me that you're one of their favorites though.
GEOFFREY ROBSON
Submitted Comment:
Thanks again, Billy Boy. Only you can write a line like this.
"As I sat there in a silent rapture of dread, the sour-yellow light of the morning sun marbled my room like the color of day-old raw meat."
-Geoff
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