 Comedy: July 16, 2008 Issue [#2499] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Sophurky  
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First, a joke ...
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and paddled himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
I'm Sophurky ~ your Host for the Comedy Newsletter where this week we'll talk about a recent canoe mishap I had on a nearby river. |
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Tippecanoe and Cellphones Too
It's the middle of summer here in the northern hemisphere, which means there is great comedy going on all around you. Whether it's from a summer misadventure of your own, or something funny that happened to someone else (and let's face it, it's usually MUCH funnier when a misadventure happens to someone else!) -- there's comic gold all around you during the dog days of summer!
A few weeks ago in this newsletter I shared about the wonders of my wilderness rafting adventure in Utah, and my use of a portable toilet facility known as a "groover." In the Spiritual Newsletter, of which I am also a regular editor, I shared some of the spiritual "lessons" I learned from the Utah rafting experience. This week I'll once again talk about a river adventure, minus the groover (and the spirituality), but including a new lesson I learned from the river. This time I'll stay closer to my home in Illinois, where I had an adventure on an afternoon canoe trip on a nearby river.
I'll begin by sharing that when it comes to rivers and taking boats out on them, be they kayaks, canoes, or rafts, we are always prepared. My husband prides himself on having all of the necessary gear when we go on a river trip, usually more than we need, and in particular having special bags, called "dry sacks," to keep everything we take on the boat dry in case of any sort of mishap. In those bags go our cell phones (in case of an emergency on the river), car keys, wallets, and anything else that we can't afford to have get wet and/or ruined.
This past weekend we decided to take a canoe trip with friends on a nearby river. We usually do this trip in May when there is more water in the river -- but our friends had new kayaks and wanted to try them out, and this river provides a nice 7-8 mile trip which usually takes about three hours -- a perfect excursion for their first time out. We checked the river web site to make sure it had enough water in it so that we wouldn't have to portage (carry the boat) much, and while the site indicated the river was a lot lower than we'd ever paddled on it before, it seemed to have enough water (1.5 feet above datum) for us to make it just fine.
Speaking of datum ... what the heck IS datum? I googled it and couldn't find a clear answer. Did it mean our river the 1.5 feet above the bottom of the river? Or is datum a measurement of say, two feet -- so the river would be 3.5 feet deep? Does anyone know? And is datum the same for every river? If not, how can I find out what datum is for my river? I'd really love to know! In fact, I'll send 5,000 GPs to the first person who can email me the correct answer, in easy, small words that I can understand.
On Saturday night we loaded our gear into the back and our canoe onto the top of our vehicle. I asked about getting the dry sacks out so we could take one to carry our valuables in, but my husband said he didn't think we needed to worry about our dry sack since the river was so low (and he didn't want to have to go dig it out of our recently re-packed river gear). And I agreed that in the dozen or more so times we'd been on this river, even when it was flooded, we had never tipped or had a problem, so we were probably fine without the dry sack, especially since the river was so low. (You see where this is going now, yes?)
We set out about 1:30pm, and it was a perfect day for canoeing/kayaking. The sun was out but not too hot, with a nice breeze to cool us down when weren't enjoying the shade of all of the trees lining the bank. The river was low, yes, but had enough water in it that we were all able to float most of the way just fine -- a couple of portages here and there, but nothing long or major. We were with good friends, having a great time -- looking forward to dinner together when the trip ended in what we thought would be about 3-4 hours. Alas, all did not go as planned. Not only did the trip take over five hours (because the water was lower and slower than usual), but about halfway through the trip, our canoe had an altercation with a fallen tree. The tree won.
We got to a low section of the river where there was water deep enough to get through a narrow passage on river right. The middle and left side of the river were trickling over a shallow area which would require portaging the canoe. So we had a decision -- portage a few feet over the shallows to the other side, or take a chance with the deeper water on the right. For Bob it was an obvious choice, we'd go river right -- but the current on that side was channeling of the water straight toward a fallen tree, so we'd have to be very careful to paddle hard enough for that not to happen to us. The two kayaks in front of us made it through with no trouble, so Bob decided to go for it, forgetting that we were in a 16' canoe and not a 6' kayak. We started paddling, aware that we had to work extra hard to make it through the passage, make a hard left, and not end up wrapped around the tree. But no amount of paddling could save us from our certain fate, and we went straight for the tree. The next thing I know the bow of our canoe was rammed under the fallen tree, with water pouring in faster than I thought possible in such a low river. Our passage through the arch of the fallen tree was stopped by my thighs, and there we sat, me with a tree in my lap, water quickly filling our canoe.
I wasn't afraid of getting hurt or drowning. The river was shallow enough that even if our canoe "sank" -- we'd only be in a couple of feet of water. No, my mind was entirely focused on the canvas bag tied to the bow of the boat (my WDC canvas bag, as a matter of fact). In that bag were our cell phones and keys, safely ensconced in zip lock baggies. Yup, zip lock baggies. Not even the good kind -- they were generic baggies! I tried to push us off and out of the tree, first with my legs, which got us out part of the way, and then by using my paddle to push off the tree. But I couldn't budge us any further. Finally we figured out that as soon as the canoe filled up with enough water, the bow of the boat would lower enough that we would be able to get free of the tree. Which is exactly what happened before we totally sank. And as we made our way over to the left bank of the river to assess the damage, the other four kayaks wisely did not follow our example and portaged over the shallow area to join us.
As Bob and the others got everything out of our canoe to dump the water out, I untied the WDC canvas bag. Inside, floating in water, were Bob's ruined wallet, and three baggies full of water, which each contained our keys and two cell phones. Why we felt it necessary to bring TWO cell phones in case of an emergency on the river, along with Bob's wallet, I cannot tell you. Why we put the phones and keys (with keyless remote) in cheap, generic zip lock baggies -- well, that one I can answer. We were cocky, over-confident fools! Frankly, I believe we cemented our fate by not getting a dry sack out the night before, and using it. I am convinced that had we brought our dry sack, not only would our phones and wallet survived, we wouldn't have an incident with the tree at all.
The rest of the trip was completed much more soberly than it began. We were tired, it was taking a long time, and I was mourning our ruined phones and stupidity. By the time we got off the river and got the cars loaded back up with the boats it was too late to go for dinner together, so we went our separate ways, planning to do it again soon. We had fun, for the most part, but more importantly we learned an expensive lesson, that's for sure. And now I won't even cross a puddle without putting my electronics in a dry sack. I kid you not!
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Below you will find some stories about other river misadventures from around the site -- remember, if you enjoy them, please let the author know by reviewing and rating the piece! 
First, a couple from a recent "The Writer's Cramp" prompt:
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And a few more from the site:
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Here are the responses I got from my last newsletter about my adventures with a groover while camping.
From maryelle
Laughed so hard I had to use my porcelein facility to pee! My mom, God rest her soul, used to say that I could find a teacup full of water on a decidely dry camping trip and stay clean. As a kid, we lived so far out that we didn't have inside plumbing - hate it as an adult!
You hate indoor plumbing?!?! WOW! You are a unique person that's for sure. Glad you enjoyed the newsletter, and glad you made it to the porcelain facility to pee!
     
From billwilcox
SophY,
I love to camp and fish, so I can understand your discomfort at using a portable head. Usually I hold it for as long as possible, but when camping with my bros and all the alcohol we consume, that morning constitutional is very unforgiving; especially if you happen to follow one of them into the facility. Ah...there's nothing like smelling another persons excrement first thing in the morning. Anyway, thanks for the laugh,
-Bill
Glad to make you laugh, Billy! And thanks for delicately sharing your own, um, experience!
From spazmom 
Yeah, Kanab is fun. I've heard about that shelter...was it good?
The shelter is wonderful -- it's an amazing place that does amazing work for animals of all kinds. The tours are free (tho reservations are helpful) -- check it out the next time you are there. But be careful, you might end up leaving with a new pet!
From Katya the Poet 
Yes, oh, dear, oh, my. Very poopy, very groovy. Loved learning that "groover" comes from the red marks!
Glad you enjoyed it -- that newsletter was specially dedicated to you!
That's all for now! Until next time, thanks for reading and LAUGH ON! |
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