 Comedy: November 18, 2009 Issue [#3391] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Waltz Invictus  
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"I had thought — I had been told — that a 'funny' thing is a thing of a goodness. It isn't. Not ever is it funny to the person it happens to. Like that sheriff without his pants. The goodness is in the laughing itself. I grok it is a bravery... and a sharing... against pain and sorrow and defeat."
- Valentine Michael Smith
(Robert Heinlein,
Stranger in a Strange Land) |
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Holiday Time
Yes, folks, it's already that time of year again - that time euphemistically called "the holidays" so as to offend the least number of people; after all, if we called it "Rectal Agony Weeks," some people might take umbrage.
But still, that's gotta be a better description than "holidays."
And they were bad enough when they started with Thanksgiving (in the US). At least then, in that golden age of lesser rectal agony, you had to wait until the end of November to be brutalized by ad after ad after please-buy-my-company's-crap-before-I-starve ad.
For me, it started - sort of - on the second Thursday of November. I know it started before then for some people. Hell, I heard that Sears and K-Mart (now one shiny company) started with their Santa, reindeer and candy cane displays back in... no, really, I'm not kidding... JULY. But having heard that, I didn't set foot in a Sears or K-Mart, despite both of them being closer than my local Squall*Mart. So I avoided most of the really early stuff.
But I joined a science fiction / fantasy book club - after all, I read (and write) science fiction and fantasy, so I thought I'd join up with like-minded geeksfolks every month and talk about an assigned book, Star Wars, and the latest video games. But I digress - this small group meets every month, on the second Thursday of the month (so it doesn't interfere with my Dungeons and Dragons schedule) in the local Buns & NoodleBarnes & Noble.
So I leave at my usual time and head for the shopping center which hosts our B&N, figuring I'd have plenty of time to find a parking spot and head in to the discussion.
I forgot it was November.
After finding a spot somewhere in South Dakota (I live in Virginia), I hiked to the bookstore, whereupon I was, to my great horror, subjected to holiday music.
Did I mention this is the second Thursday in November?
I'm convinced that every holiday song played at retail establishments contains a subliminal subtext: Buy our stuff. You know you want to. Did you remember something for your great-aunt Millie? How about your ex-girlfriend's cousin's ex-husband's six-year old girl? She wants a Hello Kitty thing! Buy a Hello Kitty thing! If you don't buy something for her, then go ahead - be selfish - buy something for yourself! Go on; you've worked hard! You deserve it! Buy our stuff. You know you want to...
I managed to make my way to the group area without buying anything, but then the group leader said, "Yeah, we're still waiting for a couple more people. They told me they'd be late." So of course, I got up and went to the coffee shop to buy a cup of tea. But not any tea - special spiced HOLIDAY tea steeped in all kinds of "buy stuff" pheromones.
"Will that be a venti or a sesquivigenti?" asked the entirely too perky girl behind the counter, who I'd have totally asked out if I weren't married.
"Um, a large, I guess."
She looked at me like I was insane. "Um, I've never been in a Starbuck's before," I explained, hoping to convey the idea that I didn't get the lingo.
She backed away, slowly.
Her replacement was not nearly as cute. He asked me what size tea I wanted. I pointed at a cup; he nodded and dropped two bags of tea into it and filled it with hot water. "That'll be $16.95," he said.
I paid, continuing to look at the first girl, who had collapsed into a steaming pile of goo at the idea that someone had never been in a Starbuck's before. I didn't have the heart to tell the steaming pile of goo that I'd been kidding. Hyperbole - it's essential to comedy and to making barristas freak the hell out.
Then the new server cleared his throat and gestured with an elbow to a big jar containing $5 and $20 bills and sporting the word "TIPS" in big, bold letters.
I looked at him and said, "You put two tea bags into six ounces of hot water for me. You want a tip? Short Starbucks stock." And I left.
The rest of the meeting proceeded without lightening my wallet further.
But then, just the other day, I had occasion to go back to B&N because I wanted a book. But someone from the Salvation Army had set up next to the door, ringing that damned incessant BELL, and I resolved not to enter the demesnes of that shopping center again until January 2, 2010.
I'll be ordering the book from Amazon. The money I save will go to Goodwill. They don't ring freaking BELLS.
I'll be getting comments that tell me how wonderful the holiday season is; I just know it. Go ahead. Try to convince me. I have one more Comedy newsletter before the next holiday. |
Here, have a few servings of Thanksgiving and shopping funnies.
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (October 21, 2009)" , I talked about the importance to comedy of being able to Make Stuff Up (MSU).
LJPC - the tortoise  : "What fish?"  I really enjoyed both the joke and the premise of the newsletter - lying is a writer's stock in trade, after all.
I'd like you to write about how all the writing markets are genre-oriented and only include comedy as an off-shoot, not as a genre. It doesn't seem fair. However, I love comedy/horror and comedy/sci-fi combinations which I rarely find. WHen I first joined WDC I was swept away by Shaara's comedy/sci-fi stories. Writing comedy is hard and should get more recognition, from the public and from publishers.
Best regards,
Laura
Good suggestion, though I don't feel qualified writing about writing markets, because I've yet to be published. Perhaps another fine editor will field this one? And I agree with you on shaara's science fiction / comedy. I tend to write either one or the other, myself, though I do try to inject some measure of comedy into most of the things I write. 
drjim: Waltz dear friend of ours, you have done it again! You have managed to assuage the guilt of millions of writers here on WDC what with your incredible finesse, essentially highlighting how those of us who weasel our way through improbable stories now have your latest book - "MSU: A How To Weasel Anyone, Anywhere, Anytime ... With Less Guilt". Damn, would you sign my copy? Good NL - as usual, with a Siskel & Ebert segue to boot. Where else can I get the skinny on someone else's fat a$$?
I hear Wal*Mart is good for that.
humdedum: Wow, the joke brings back the memories! I heard that joke - but it's not a joke. >.< It's a true story. 
Wow, really? Cool!
sarahreed: The necessity of lies comes up over and over, especially when interacting with others. Its easy to hurt people's feelings if you always tell the truth (I've been there, done that too often). The truth can be harsh; but as you point out, it can be very funny, unbelievably so. Comedy and fantasy certainly wouldn't be what it is today without the ability to lie.
Oh, you deserve a big groan for how thor you are from raking leaves.
I take that as a compliment!
Sanchez : Hello Waltz Macabre, if that's your real name-- I suspect not. To tell a good joke one sometimes has to lie. But sometimes not. Read this truthful joke.
When I was an NYPD sergeant assigned to Bronx Central Booking, I received a phone call from a Bronx detective. He asked me if I was the normal sgt. in BCB. I replied, I am the regular sgt. in BCB, but I don't know if I am normal.
My name is Legion! Or is it Mud? I can't remember...
And that's all for me this month! See you in December for some more comedy! Until then, a Happy Thanksgiving to our US readers, try not to get lost in Aisle 13, and...
LAUGH ON!!! |
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