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This week: CAUTION: Wet Floor Edited by: Shannon  
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Welcome to this week's edition of the Comedy Newsletter. I am Shannon and I'm your guest editor this week.
I find humor in seemingly mundane, everyday activities ... like nocturnal shopping expeditions. Today's newsletter is about one such incident. |
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Working the graveyard shift (7p-7a) results in strange habits--like shopping in the middle of the night.
Tonight I needed to go to the store because I'm out of paper towels, milk, cereal, coffee and feminine products--all staples in my house, so I hop in my car and head to the nearest Wal-Mart. During the drive, a cat hair (I have three--cats, not hairs) worked its way into my eye and was driving me crazy by the time I made it to the store at midnight. I needed to find a bathroom to extract the offending fiber before I could even think of doing any shopping!
I see the bathroom cleaner guy has placed a CAUTION:Wet Floor sign outside one bathroom and is inside cleaning the other. I stepped carefully over the CAUTION sign, determinedly lean as close to the mirror as I can, pluck the fluffy filament from my peep and stare at it in disgust. Humph! I think. Take that! I toss the strand aside and think now's a good time to check my makeup. I lean in closer. God, my eyes are bloodshot! I look like I've been toking on a bong with Tommy Chong! This thought makes me smile, then chuckle, and it's at this time that I see movement behind me. It's a man! He glances at me briefly, continues on his way into a stall where he proceeds to unzip his pants and urinate!
The flush starts immediately (no pun intended). It creeps up my neck and into my cheeks. My heart starts to race, my legs to shake, and it feels as if someone is whisking my guts into a frothy goo. Oh my God, I'm in the men's room!
I turn tail, grab my cart and act as if nothing's happened, all the while rehearsing what I'd say if anyone approached me: Oh, of course I knew it was the men's room, but I saw him (the bathroom cleaner guy again) finish cleaning it so I knew it was empty, and since he was cleaning the women's ... I had something in my eye. It was an emergency!
I grab two gallons of 2%, and quickly look over my shoulder to make sure no one's following me. I round the corner with skill that would make Jeff Gordon proud (was that the sound of my cart tires screeching?), throw a can of Folgers in my cart and speed off. One more look over my shoulder ... No one yet, and I make it safely to the paper towels. If I have to I can bowl this roll of Viva at their feet as they try to cuff me. They'll be piled up like cord wood while I make my escape!
As I throw a pack of Kotex in the cart I imagine how embarrassing it will be to see my picture in the paper, tackled in the tampon aisle. UGH! Cereal, cereal ... ah, screw it! Would Kyle rather have Chocolate Marshmallow Mateys or a mother to tuck him in every night? If his mom's doing hard time who's gonna make sure he gets to driver's ed?
"Are you finding everything you're looking for, ma'am?" I turn to see a Wal-Mart employee looking at me ... and he's smiling! He knows!
"I'm fine, thank you."
I make my way to the checkout stand before the long arm of the law reaches out and grabs me by the collar. I pay for my items and high-tail it out of there. One last glance over my shoulder ... Oh my God! He's following me!
A Wal-Mart employee is just a few steps behind me. I walk faster, throw my bags into the back seat and start my car just as he reaches me and taps on my window.
This is it. I'm going down. How will I ever be able to look my mother in the eye again? I roll down my window and sigh, resigned to accept my fate.
"You forgot this," he says, holding up a gallon of 2%.
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Comedy: July 07, 2010 Issue [#3826]
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