 Comedy: December 28, 2010 Issue [#4151] |
  Comedy
This week: Thank Goodness THAT'S Over! Edited by: Sophurky  
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Hi, I'm Sophurky ~ your editor for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. This week I invite you to let your inner Scrooge out -- or better yet, let me introduce you to my inner Scrooge! 
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Thank Goodness THAT'S Over!
I used to love Christmas because it was magical and fun and, well, quite frankly, usually involved my getting a LOT of presents. But over time I've become a Scrooge in my old age and instead of looking forward to the arrival of Christmas each year, I look forward to it being over. Here are a few examples of how I've changed over the years:
The Tree Then:
As a child I loved going out and choosing the right tree a couple of weeks before Christmas; I loved the smell of the tree in our house once we got it set up in the living room; I loved putting on Christmas music decorating the tree; I loved watching the presents pile up under the tree as we got closer to December 25; I loved lying on the couch and squinting my eyes while looking at the tree because the lights looked cool that way; I loved when the cat drank water out of the tree stand; I loved waking up Christmas morning and finding more presents than I thought possible under the tree (from Santa). I loved everything about that tree, and was sad when it was time to take it down for another year.
The Tree Now:
We didn't even bother putting up a tree this year. We had an artificial one that took 4.5 days to put together and another 2 days to decorate, so we donated that one to the church -- now it's their problem! Last year we bought a "real" tree in early December. Sure, it smelled good and brought back some nice memories, but it took forever for me to get the lights on right, and then half of forever to decorate it. Then it started dropping needles about an hour after we put it up, and yes, we watered it. Because it reminded me of an old skinny cat with mange, we got rid of it Christmas afternoon. So this year we skipped the whole tree thing altogether, which was nice. Less work and no mess.
Christmas Presents Then:
I've already mentioned how as a child I loved watching the pile of presents grow under the tree in the weeks before Christmas. I loved getting up at an ungodly hour on Christmas morning and waking up my family so we could unwrap them all. It was so wonderful and exciting I could hardly sleep the night before, and then when it finally came time to open the gifts ........... AH! Such a great feeling.
Back then I didn't put much thought into getting gifts for others, but as I got older buying the perfect present for my friends and family became almost as much fun as receiving presents. Almost ...  When I got married back during the 20th Century, I would start looking for the most perfect gift for my husband sometime in early summer. We'd have contests each year about who could do the BEST job finding the absolutely most perfect present for the other one. We'd set a budget that we vowed to never go over (but we always did) and if we couldn't find THE quality gift, we'd go for quantity. Some years I'd win, some years he'd win, and every year we'd exhaust ourselves and our budget in the process. But it was always worth it.
Christmas Presents Now:
Um, yeah, we don't do that  anymore. Remember, we didn't even bother with a tree this year. Now we say, "What do we need this year?" And then after Christmas we go buy it. Now I don't mean something boring like a vacuum cleaner or a blender. I mean exciting stuff, like two years ago when we bought ourselves a GPS. And last year? A lovely oak coffee table. Yes, we are now officially geezers, and while we still tend to spend as much as we used to, we no longer exhaust ourselves competing for the best, most perfect, surprise Christmas gift. Sure, it's not as much fun or as exciting on Christmas morning, but it's way less stressful. And next year who knows, maybe we will finally get that nice new Dyson vacuum cleaner ...
Christmas Music Then:
I used to love Christmas music. We'd start hearing at the malls or on the car radio it a few weeks before Christmas and I always enjoyed it. Back then "they" had the sense to start playing it after Thanksgiving and stop playing it soon after Christmas. And the music was lovely -- I grew up hearing the old standards on scratchy vinyl records on my parents stereo. Bing Crosby and Andy Williams topped the list, with some Mahalia Jackson and Harry Belafonte thrown in for good measure. Oh and that old guy, what was his name? Burl Ives maybe? I loved hearing all of them sing their Christmas hearts out in the weeks before Christmas, and their non-stop crooning on Christmas Day. When I moved out on my own I bought CD's of all my Christmas favorites from childhood, and played them happily on my own stereo as an adult.
Christmas Music Now:
Problem #1: "They" now start playing Christmas music around Halloween and we're lucky if it stops by Valentine's Day!
Problem #2: Good grief. Who does NOT have a Christmas album these days? It used to be you had to be a good singer to put out a Christmas album, but now apparently anyone can do it. William Hung, Bob Dylan, and John Tesh all have them now. <insert shudder> I'd rather hear dogs bark "Jingle Bells" then hear Dylan butcher "O Come All Ye Faithful." Have you heard it? It's truly frightening. Click below for a sampling -- but don't try too many, it could do permanent damage.
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At this rate I could probably record a Christmas album and have it sell a few copies!
Problem #3: With the exception of Micheal Bublé, what happened to the crooners? Do I really want/need to hear Mariah Carey get THAT vibrato on one single note? It's a note, Mariah. It's ONE note. It's not 50 notes. It's a one-syllable word -- the word "night" does not have 14 syllables. And it's a middle C. Just sing it. I know you can hit the really high notes, so high that only dogs can hear you. But please, it's a song about the birth of the cute little baby Jesus, it's not a song about how great your voice is, so quit oversinging it. Find a note, stick with it, and move on. Case in point -- don't get me wrong, she does have a beautiful voice and I do love this song, but just sing the dang thing! Don't make it about YOU, make it about the song.
Okay well, now that I've angered most of my readers by dissing Bob Dylan AND Mariah Carey in the same issue, not to mention pierced my own eardrum listening to "O Holy Night" one too many times trying to get the link right -- I'd better wrap this edition of the Christmas Scrooge Comedy Newsletter up and head off to Witness Protection Emergency Room. Until next time, feel free to pass on what irks you about Christmas and if it's funny, I'll share it with our readers next month.
Happy New Year, everyone! And I promise to try and not to be as grumpy next time. Sophurky
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Below you'll find some offerings from other WDC members about Christmas. Some are Scroogey (it seems I am not the only Christmas Grump, lol), but most are not thank goodness because I'm sure you've all heard more than enough of that, hehehe. Please let the folks know if you read their piece by leaving a thoughtful comment or review.
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Now for a few comments from my last Comedy Newsletter, "Comedy Newsletter (November 30, 2010)" :
From drjim
Dear Sophy, Zion Natl. Park is a GEM, even if you have to take a cold, COLD shower! Alas, while reading your NL, it brought back numerous memories of my bathing in the small, rugged streams of the Jefferson Natl. Forest. I've always loved the Blue Ridge Mountains too, but there IS a technique that you can use next time to help rid yourself of the extra water (INSTEAD of your designer bathing suit). Essentially, you enlist Mr. Sophy to build a Lazy Susan device, rigged up to a stationary bicycle for a power train source, and while dripping wet, stand atop the Lazy Susan and hold tight the handrail! Why, in not time flat you will experience the h-u-m-a-n side of the essence of a salad spinner. Of course, of course, the water slinging off of YOU will douse Mr. Sophy, who then EXCHANGES places with you, thus DOUBLING your fun! This apparatus can work exceptionally well upon nagging in-laws, children with ADD, the occasional snooping bear... Dr J
Wow, what a great idea -- thank you so much!
  
From 👼intuey 
It sounds like ya'll had a lot of fun on your camping trip- call me the next trip ya'll go on- I'll be happy to keep you company 
Thank you for adding one of my comedy stories to your NL and for bringing smiles my way this morning! Great Job! 
We had a blast -- and glad to bring you some smiles.
From LJPC - the tortoise 
What a fun story, Sophy! Kudos to you for braving the whole camping experience. I did it a few times when I was young and foolish adventurous, but I like to camp inside the house now.
-- Laura
We camp at least once a year, sometimes twice. In fact we are heading out again in February, lol. I'll send you a postcard!
That's all for this month -- see you next time! And on behalf of the other regular Comedy Newsletter Editors, Robert Waltz  and Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  remember to WRITE AND LAUGH ON! Sophurky |
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