 Comedy: June 01, 2011 Issue [#4427] |
  Comedy
This week: Exercise Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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"I had thought - I had been told - that a 'funny' thing is a thing of a goodness. It isn't. Not ever is it funny to the person it happens to. Like that sheriff without his pants. The goodness is in the laughing itself. I grok it is a bravery... and a sharing... against pain and sorrow and defeat."
- Valentine Michael Smith
(Robert Heinlein,
Stranger in a Strange Land) |
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Exercise
If there's one thing I hate, it's exercise. (Of course, in reality, there's more than one thing I hate, but this editorial is about exercise, not other drivers or "reality" TV.)
It's not that I don't want to exercise. It's just that it's a means to an end (that end being to fit into my clothing, among other things). And being lazy, I don't get the whole "means to an end" thing. Instant gratification, baby, that's me.
If I had to pick the worst thing about exercise, it's time. Last time I went on an exercise binge, I'd go to the gym, do some cardio, and then leave. Maybe an hour, tops. (You'll note the lack of shower - there are advantages to working for yourself, especially when you don't have the world's greatest sense of smell.) While this left me with a general feeling of well-being (once I got past the whole "OMG I didn't know that muscle existed" thing), it didn't do much for my self-image.
Now, though, I've gotten a new routine: Locker, cardio, weights, stretch, locker, swim, hot tub, sauna, shower (there are limits, even for me), dress, leave. Total time: three fracking hours.
Do you have ANY idea how far I could get in a video game in three hours? But I can't because I'm wasting the time exercising instead of blowing zombies away, and that three hours (plus a bit to get ready, get to the gym, etc.) What a rip-off! And that means that I have to squeeze everything else - surfing the internet, writing, reading, taking over the world, destroying zombies, cooking, eating, and, oh yeah, work - into the remaining 13 waking hours.
And then there's the gym itself. Now, I don't have a membership at one of those places that only takes young, attractive, fit people (obviously, since they let me in). Still, I can't shake the feeling that everyone there is fitter, stronger and faster. And it's disheartening to always reset the weight stack on the machines to a LOWER weight when I get on. I'll be pumping iron or whatever, and some douchebag will be looking at me like, "What are you even doing here? I need that machine, by the way." So I'll let him have it between sets, and he chuckles as he pulls the pin from 30 and puts it on like 210, and then I wait for him to finish his set. Then it's my turn again, and I have to struggle to pull the pin out again... it never ends.
Then I'm in the pool and I get about halfway down the lane and have to stop and hang onto the lane floats for dear life while I catch my breath, and the lifeguard's looking at me like, "Don't make me get wet and pull out the defib."
Even the sauna turns into an ordeal. I can handle being in a 160 degree heat bath - hell, when I was in England, where they don't have a culture of suing everyone for everything, the sauna was set way higher. How much higher, I don't know, because they use celsius for temperature while using miles for driving, liters for petrol, and ounces for beer. England confuses me... but I digress.
But probably the worst thing about the gym is the television.
I don't watch television. Oh, I'm not totally against it - I get shows I like from Netflix and watch them - but there's something disturbing to me about network and cable TV. Whilst doing cardio, there are six screens up showing different channels: CNN, Fox, ESPN, The History Channel, and two local networks - all of which suck (but especially Fox, with History being a close second). The commercials are crappy, and the commentary is worse. And last time I was there, one of the local channels was showing... golf. Golf. Why don't they just turn it to the Drying Paint channel? That would be more interesting. (Though I admit to a great deal of schadenfreude when I see someone miss an easy putt. That never fails to crack me up, earning me Looks from the two hot, fit, and entirely unattainable women to either side of me.)
And so I learned to start bringing my iPod to the gym and listening to music on random. The only problem with that is, while I'm mostly into rock, alternative, country and folk, I once downloaded all of Beethoven's symphonies because I could - and inevitably, I'll just be getting going when some slow movement comes on the playlist. It'd be one thing if it were just the first movement of the Fifth Symphony, but I don't get that lucky. (Yes, I know I can create "playlists." But... lazy, remember?) So I spend half the time hitting "next" on the iPod while gathering even more scorn from the hot chicks.
Either way, I need my earphones, because, inevitably, some middle-aged guy a couple machines over will be listening to his playlist and start singing at the top of his lungs. "Sing us a song, you're the piano man..." Okay, no, you're not; you're the elliptical trainer man and only you can hear Billy Joel.
So then I have to keep from singing, myself, lest I become That Guy. Which is hard when, like, Bruce Springsteen comes on.
Difficulty aside, I'm kind of liking the whole workout thing. Not the actual workout, but the feeling I get afterwards.
It's a lot like banging your head against the wall: it feels SO GOOD when you quit. |
Just a few funnies for your reading enjoyment:
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (May 4, 2011)" , I talked about being sick with a cold bug.
NaNoNette  :
I'm glad not to get sick like you.
I'm glad I got over it before going to England!
drjim:
Waltzy! The word 'frack' has hidden, ubiquitous meaning. Something to do with injecting water into gas wells, thus forcing out the gas from the well... and um....did you ever think to do this from your SNOT WELL? It could prove prodigious! Right out your .....ears!
It's not hidden, and it's not ubiquitous... but I will point out that the original Battlestar Galactica series used that word long before it became a political football concerning natural gas extraction. I'll leave jokes about "natural gas extraction" to the readers.
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling  :
If you can't find something funny, you need to see a doctor. I recommend Doctors Moe, Larry, Curly, Shemp, and Joe, also known as, "The Stooges." They cure everything.
[Submitted Item: "Good-Bye Squirrel" [18+]]
"If you want my views on history, there is something you should know: The three men I admire most are Curly, Larry and Moe." -Meat Loaf
Mummsy  :
Oh, I shouldn't laugh, but . . . congrats on the weight loss!
It's the Comedy newsletter - if you didn't laugh, I'd be hurt.
Swati Gupta  :
Ha ha.. This was very funny. When I began reading, I thought I knew what you mean, but I gradually realised what happens to me is just a fraction of what you go through.. May your nose rest in snot (just joking)..
A joke? In the Comedy newsletter? How odd...
LJPC - the tortoise :
Hi Robert!
I enjoyed your silly newsletter about snot very much! (Actually, I'd enjoy anyone's silly newsletter about snot.) I'm allergic to dust. I live in the dust capital of the world. Yup, I'm a snot machine, every day, all day.
Hope you get over your cold soon. Keep the funny stories coming, though! 
-- Laura
I was pretty much over it by the time the newsletter actually came out... fortunately for my sanity.
[And from a previous newsletter on British comedy:]
ms_penguin:
Excellent article, but you really should have mentioned Fawlty Towers with John Cleese, it's classic British humour!
And ended way too soon... whilst in England, I was introduced to a show called Father Ted. More great comedy from over there!
And that's it for now! I'll be back before the month's out for some summer laughs. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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