 Comedy: August 17, 2011 Issue [#4559] |
  Comedy
This week: Take My House...Please! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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Folks, I'm offering you the opportunity to live in a picturesque, hilly town, in New England.
Seriously, if you are a person who enjoys a multitude of deciduous as well as cone-bearing trees, lots of foliage, mountains, lakes, streams, rivers, ponds and the Atlantic Ocean, then this is the place for you! Let's see if you agree... |
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Hello, folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter. 
If you look at sprawling antique homes, with bountiful nooks and crannies and say, "Wow, I want to live there!"then you will adore my house.
Yes, folks, after years of repairing, refurbishing, remodeling and rethinking about cutting back on the adult beverage consumption, I've decided to sell my money pit miniature, antique mansion.
This charming yet sturdy home has survived a multitude of local disasters and still stands strong. I'm talking about almost Biblical proportions here, folks. It has withstood hail, lightning strikes, freezing rain, torrential rain, ice storms, blizzards, little shakers( I won't call quakes; 'cause I lived in California where it really rocks and rolls, however, I digress;) not to mention the seven deadly sins.  It still stands after a fire and mocks me. That's right, I'm getting a little paranoid, here.
Perhaps you enjoy the shows on TV, with those ghost-busting, spirit chasing teams, who visit homes and mausoleums, and homes that feel like mausoleums, to speak with the dead and ask them to kindly leave the premises. Well, then, you're going to love it here!
I have burned sage, sprinkled holy water, consulted a niece who is actually a member of one of these spirit finding teams, and, invited a priest to dinner, to try to settle down the irritated spirits that seemed to appear after the firebox of the fireplace got barbecued. I think they found a portal into the main part of the house, however, I do have a vivid imagination. 
I'm just kidding you about the ghosts and hauntings. Seriously, they are called Shadow People and they are just as spooked by us as we are of them. Harmless--totally harmless; don't let that small feature keep you from your dream home! 
Let me tell you about the wonderful features you could enjoy if you purchase my home. There are eleven rooms in this rambling New England home. Think of the possibilities. You'll have plenty of space for your collections, books, hobbies and exercise equipment.
That's E-L-E-V-E-N rooms of cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, decorating, painting and hanging shades and curtains. Which reminds me, there are sixty-nine windows to clean. That's not counting the fact that each window case contains twelve panes of that lovely, historical float glass. Now let's think about that again--sixty-nine window cases times twelve windows, each--that makes it ... a math problem and Web~Witch doesn't do math! You get the picture, though.
The floors are those charming, large planks that cry charm and dare you to get your vacuum in-between the uneven cracks. I don't suggest wearing expensive earrings that could fall loose and fall into the abyss. However, you will love that the historical presence of these floors really make a statement, in their natural, wood grain appearance. You only need to strip six more rooms of the gun metal gray paint that was layered-on by previous owners, with the exception of a sweet little room, which could be used as an office, nursery or large walk-in closet. That floor is painted beige, with a heavy-handed stenciling all around it.
There are many advantages of having a big, old house in the country. Your cat will get plenty of exercise chasing the occasional mouse, searching for warmer residence in the winter. Your outdoor loving pets will also have plenty of room to roam and play king of the land against a feisty squirrel, who can jump twenty feet from a tree branch to your well-stocked bird feeders. That same evil creature likes to chew his way into your attic in the winter.
Oh, I almost forgot! We were treated to a night of playful adventures by a chubby raccoon, who tapped at a window one evening. It seems that after months of peaceful birdwatching of feathered friends at the suet holder, hanging from a vine at our living room window, this night-shift creature recently found a free source of fat and seed. He stayed until every last morsel of suet was gone, to the dismay of the early birds, who were going to have to work a lot harder to get nourishment that day.
Land means gardening and this place has plenty. Think about how much you can plant, which will have to be copious amounts, to keep up with the rabbits and woodchucks, not to mention deer, oh, my! However, you do have certain times of the year when these species are kept at a minimum by the foxes and coyotes! Nevertheless, that's usually after the garden has long gone to sleep following that year's harvest; now it's the bears' turn to raid the bird feeders.
So, what do say? Want to make an offer?
That's all she wrote for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Look for an anniversary contest, below.
Ta,
Web~Witch
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CONTEST!!!
Okay, folks, if you've been following me for the past three years, you know that I love to combine my anniversary as one of your Comedy Newsletter, editors, with the official, anniversary celebration of this wonderful community. Yes, WDC is eleven-years-old in September. The whole site is just bursting with festivities! September is also my third anniversary as a Comedy Newsletter, editor. Sooooooooooooooo!!! I am going to challenge you to write either a funny story about buying OR selling a home OR a humorous birthday event. Just submit your item in the Newsletter, below, where it asks for comments or submissions. Headline it: "My Comedy Anniversary Entry," So I can detect it easier.
I will choose three of my favorites and award them and post them in next month's Comedy Newsletter.
Rules, oh, those tedious, rules:
 Your story must be new and written for this contest.
It must be on the subject matter stated above.
It must be 500 words or less to qualify. (I think great humor can be short and sweet.)
Please post it in BITEM format and submit it to the Comedy Newsletter.
PRIZES:
First place: 100,000 GPs and a Merit Badge
Second place: 50,000 GPs and a Merit Badge
Third place: 25,000 GPs and a Merit Badge
Hey, you know me, if I'm feeling generous, I might just throw a few Merit Badges to Honorable Mentionable types.
So, get writing and don't forget to make me laugh!
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW!
Thanks for the funny lice letter--er--news letter. I never had that problem, although I've had several flea infestations because of cats over the years. Those little buggers can BITE! (The fleas, not the cats. Although they can bite, too, especially when it comes time for the flea bath. One bucket of flea-dip + one very angry cat = Run for the hills!)
Sorry you lost your friend, but I'm gad you have fond memories and can share them with others. 
-- Laura
Thank you, Laura. I do have fond memories of all the years of friendship. Those cannot be taken from me.
drjim
Bryce, RIP - you are missed by many other souls whose lives you touched. Godspeed on your new journey, where no one ever thirsts or hungers, where streets are paved with gold, where a mansion awaits ... just for you. God hold you in the palm of His Hand - always, Dr. J
Thank you for being there for me during a very difficult time, Doc. 
Red Writing Hood <3 
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry you lost your friend, Bryce.
Thank you for your kind words, they are appreciated. 
Comment via e-mail:
Jeannie's Jingle Bells☃️  
Just read your newsletter. I know, I a little late, but wanted to comment on the lice problem that happens at all schools. My granddaughter, Monica, stayed overnight at my home and I lent her one of my pillows. She liked them big and fluffy as I do. Well, I didn't know at the time that she had lice. A few days later, I was wondering why my head was so itchy. I found out why, and I can tell you, it is not a good feeling when you know you have these creatures in your hair. 
My daughter had to delice me too, along with her daughter. (Sure wished we knew about the lamp oil treatment) Never again did I lend out anything of mine! We also told Monica not to share any of her things, such as hats. We never had a problem after that incident.
I am going to file the lamp oil treatment just in case. Thank you for your humorous story. I know at the time, it wasn't so funny.
Jeannie. 
It's a wonderful cure! Warning, do not attempt to smoke at this time. 
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
WW |
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