 Comedy: December 06, 2011 Issue [#4737] |
  Comedy
This week: RamaHanuKwanzMasSolstice Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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There will be a new way to celebrate the holidays for the Web-Family, this year. Let's take a look ... |
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It's that time of year, again. Happy RamaHanuKwanzMasSolstice, Folks!
Does that just about cover everyone? 
Have you noticed that we've gotten so politically correct we can't even wish the check-out-line person a Merry Christmas, anymore? I remember the days when it was a commonly accepted or tolerated expression of joy from one human being to another. Nowadays, you get the evil-eye look, like you committed some heinous crime against mankind--or is that personkind? I don't think "man" is an accepted word anymore, either. 
Nevertheless, Christmas is a big deal at Chez Web~Witch.
Each year, I have been involved in the yearly event called "The Hunt." This is when, (akin to Chevy Chase in "Christmas Vacation,") I, Web-Son, and for the past few years, Web-Lock, have traipsed through the thicket of some Christmas tree farm, on the weekend following Thanksgiving.
Last year, I decided to order an online, pre-lit tree and avoid the pain and suffering of being the person in the branch snap-back, position, as we tug the tree through the wooded lot and up to the little barn where an older couple holds out their hands for the cash and the tree cutting saw, on loan. It made sense, because, WL did not want to go on a lengthy "hunt" another year and WS was too busy with his mid-terms before the holiday break.
Of course, when the tree arrived, I missed the smell of the fragrant pine, spruce or fir trees, inside the house. It just wouldn't be the same without that. Hence, I picked up a smaller, fresh-cut fir tree (only thirty-days old), at the local tractor and stuff, store. That was only a seven-footer. I usually chop down a twelve to fourteen foot tree to place in a room with an eight foot ceiling and then cut and shape it from the top, for fullness. The funny thing is, most of the rooms have the old colonial, seven and a half foot ceilings. I guess the tree was so heavy, the floor started sinking, so an eight-footer fit. Also, the tight fit helped it cling snuggly against the ceiling, making it easier to keep it standing. 
I also have a generous heart at Christmastime, so, when I go shopping and see some tree lot, run by a charity, I feel compelled to purchase a tree from them, too. I'm a sucker for the picture of some poor little poster child with a tear in her eye, guilting me into buying a tree from that charity.
The Web-Home sparkled with four Christmas trees which gave me more work decorating them properly than working on one big one from the tree farm.
Well, folks, that was last year. This Christmas will be different. Web-Son is out on his own and WL and I are heading south for the winter. I have been pondering how I will handle a Christmas without snow. I mean, how does Christmas look in Florida?
Should I hang lit chili peppers, from a palm tree? Do people "hunt" for the best fitting palm, chop it down and bring it in their living room? I'll probably have to get some of that fresh pine smell in a can. Or, maybe, I can get those little car fresheners--you know the ones, right? They already look like little Christmas trees. They can be the ornaments. They are lightweight and have little hanging strings already attached to them, that would hold on to those palm leaves with no trouble at all. 
In that case, why bother chopping down an innocent palm tree when a dozen grosses of those little fresheners could be glued together, into a 3D, tree? Hmmm, perhaps the car fresheners will serve as a hint of a new car for Christmas.
I think I'm going to like this new type of Christmas in the sun-belt. In fact, I'm going to start collecting as many pine-scented fresheners as I can find, from here to South Florida!
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch
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Fredmom 
Ha ha... My dad was taking a survey to get a job, and this was the question:
Are you the nicest person you know?
Highly Agree
Agree
Neutral
Disagree
Highly Disagree
How do you answer a question like that???
Well, you have to fight for your niceness on the nice-scale, yet not let them think that nobody can come close to your niceness, thus, I would go with "Agree," leaving "Highly Agree," open for, say--your future boss! Anything under "Agree" makes you a disagreeable or perhaps, a naughty person. 
Catherine Hall
I sympathise over all your problems with the power-outage caused by snowfall but I really enjoyed reading about it. This newsletter wasn't full of belly-laughs but it was a good example of how I can introduce some humour into what is currently my far-too-serious NaNo novel. Obviously, not all subjects are suitable for laugh-a-minute treatment so thank you for showing us how to look on the bright side of a gloomy situation and raise a few chuckles.
Happy I could help! Hope you manage to slip-in a couple doses of humor in your NaNo. Thanks for the feedback. 
Smiling Jack
To: Herr Director
From: Hopeful in Hoboken
In response to your friendly inquisition:
Pets: Two pet rocks and a mute newt
Guns: One, kept as a memorial to Uncle Charley for his last spin at Russian roulette
Stereos: None. Traded ours with a Wall Street protester for a neat bull horn that has a longer range than our cell phones
At what time should our neighbors be expected to be quiet? When their time comes, and then we would rather not hear from them again.
Musical instruments? We do have a vuvuzela horn picked up at the Word Cup in South Africa. Many would argue that it's not really very musical.
How long do you stay inside your house each day? When we're not out, we are always in. What's more, we do not plan to convert our unit into a hot-bed emporium for others' fun and our profit.
We do hope you'll accept our application so we may spend our final years with you waiting for God.
PS: We hope it's a long wait before he shows up.
###
!!!
Thanks for the delightful responses for an application to God's waiting room, Jack.
billwilcox
Sorry to hear you're moving, I guess I'll have to dump that ploughed snow some place else.
-Your Considerate Plough-Boy
I could give you a few good suggestions of where to dump it. No worries, you'll hardly miss me being around, yelling a few choice words at my "Considerate Plough Boy."
Always great hearing from you, Bill.
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling 
Perhaps God ought to go on vacation, in Las Vegas. I hear it's lovely this time of year.
I think He already vacations there. At least I've heard many patrons use His name, while I was there.
Dr. Dnomyar
I spend in-between normal and almost never at home.
It is a mind-boggler, ehh?
Nixie🦊 
Hi WW! You always make me laugh. As a Florida resident, bleck-I hate this state-I fully appreciate the meaning of the waiting room.
It's true, many are ready to depart, but they live mostly in the south, in swanky assisted-living homes. (Not all of them, I'm aware of the financial crisis.)
In central Florida, where I reside, the majority of the population is well-educated, wealthy, and insanely gorgeous.
I grew up in New York State, and miss the snow, like a lover misses a kiss. (Oh, that's bad)
Happy Thanksgiving to you, my sweet and addled friend.
Thanks for the feedback, Nixie. Choices, choices ... Insanely gorgeous, well-educated and wealthy, OR snow. Hmmmmm, sounds like a no-brainer to me.
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW!
I loved your NL about the "Storm that Killed Halloween" and seems to have sent you and WL flying south like migrating birds. I'm feeling sorry for your house, though, abandoned in a cold, cruel snow drift...but better it than you, right? Thanks for the chuckles!
-- Laura
My pleasure, Laura. It's always great to hear from you. 
Leila
I hope you have luck with your Florida application. I have no choice but stay and work during the upcoming Summer.  It's no fun. It's too hot.
I will be all settled-in by the time you read this. Beaching, golfing, enjoying the great winter weather and watching the weather channel for upcoming snow storms back up North. I will be ecstatic to not have to deal with it.
Thanks for your feedback, Leila!
Mia - craving colour 
"God's Waiting Room"! Gotta love it.
I haven't heard that one before. You've got a great sense of humor. (D-uh, she's editor of the comedy newsletter) Are those snow-bird questions for real? I'd be worried about staying at a place that asks zany questions like that.
Yes, they did ask those questions. I wonder what analyst of the abnormal, stays up nights thinking of these questions and which answers are acceptable, for these applications.
Thanks for your comment.
Submitted item:
"Werewolf Invasion"
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
 Happy Holidays!!! See you next year. 
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