 Comedy: January 29, 2013 Issue [#5482] |
  Comedy
This week: You Don't Say and Now You Tell Me! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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In this world of the vast information highway, there are still things that stop you in your tracks and let you know just how, well, there's no nice way to put this; "DUH" you can be sometimes. For instance... |
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I really hate reading directions. They're boring, not usually in color and take forever to translate if you happened to lose the page marked "English." Inevitably, by the time you figured out how to put something together so it looks close to the picture provided, there are some spare parts hanging-around with big question marks surrounding them. I think I still have all those "extra parts" taking up room in one of my many, miscellaneous junk drawers. Yes, I have more than one. No. I'm not quite a "hoarder," yet. And, admit it. You have your own M J, drawers, too.
One time I put together an entertainment center by just viewing the picture on the direction sheet.The end product looked pretty fine at a glance, however, if you were to really get up close and personal to my "some assembly required," entertainment center, you'd notice that one of the supporting sides is inside out. Proper placement of that piece of furniture thereafter so the raw side didn't show, was vital to protecting my fix-it woman mentality. Therefore, I needed to purchase a column-like video case to place flush against the messed-up side. No, it wouldn't have been easier to reassemble the mistaken side. You take one side off, you got to start from scratch.
All that aside, the recent happenings in my life, made me ponder the profound topics of: too little information, too much information, too-late received information; "sorry I asked," information, "you don't say" and "now you tell me."
Those clothes you wore to the hospital the morning of your hip-replacement surgery, will not be the clothes you wear home.
They didn't bother telling me at the pre-surgery meeting, that following surgery, my thigh would double in size due to swelling. In fact, the giant bump on the side of my leg looked like I was about to have a major break-through from an extraterrestrial fiend within-moments, OR, I was carrying around an undeveloped, co-joined twin's head, on my thigh! Let's file that under, too little information and too-late received!
After my release from the hospital, I had a conversation with one of the home visiting nurses who was changing my bandages.
"So, Karen, how can my surgeon take out a whole hip and replace it with a prosthetic one and only leave a five-inch scar on my thigh?"
"Oh, it's just a matter of positioning. He is able to pull all those muscles out of that small incision and bind them out of the way. Then he has to siphon a lot of the marrow out of your femur so he can slide the metal inside that connects to the ball and socket prostheses. The surgeon can do all of this in such a small space because he has your leg contorted in several awkward positions, so that he can work the new hip in after he's cracked and sawed-out the old one. You can't imagine the way he manipulates your leg around to do this.
After I picked my jaw up off the floor and thought back to the time my younger brother twisted my Barbie Doll's legs practically off her body, I responded with a weak, "Oh, I see." However, internally I was thinking: Too much information, sorry I asked and with a sigh of relief; thank goodness I waxed the day before surgery!
By the time I had my eighth week doctor's visit , I learned something I don't remember hearing before I left the hospital.
" Web~Witch, all is healing well with you. You can now add the stretching exercise where you try to bring your knee toward your chest."
I proudly answered, "I can do that already, Doc!" Whereby I proceeded to show him just how flexible I was with my new hip. 
"Wonderful, WW! Well, you are now able to resume your normal relations with W-L."
 Uhh, hmm, there was a time requirement on that?
That would fall under: You don't say, now you tell me, too-late information and revisiting the first paragraph, should have read the directions that came home with you in your post-op package. 
That's all she wrote for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~witch
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Jacqueline 
your news letters are so funny they make my day. Thank you
I'm very happy to hear that, Rosemaree.  Thank you for your feedback!
Quick-Quill 
I didn't have those weird thoughts coming out of my hour and a half foot surgery, but here I am sitting with my foot up and trying to get my butt comfortable. Hoping to finish 2nd draft of my NaNo novel... commiserating
I hope you have a swift recovery. I know what it's like not being able to walk without having extreme pain, Did they give you a local or were you put-under, for surgery? I think the anesthesia has something to do with the weird dreams. (That and HUNGER!) Thanks for your feedback! 
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW!
As if surgery to get a new hip wasn't exciting enough, you have to dream up a whole adventure when they put you under. I'm glad you escaped vampires, mad truckers, and Chef Ramsay -- and somehow still woke up with a shiny new hip!
~ Laura
Me too, Laura! I guess I was real hungry by the time they prepped me for surgery. Such a dream couldn't help but evolve from that.
Winnie Kay 
Only you could make hip-replacement surgery an hysterical event, Ilean. Here's to another year of your delightful newsletters and your examples of how to write true comedy.
Thanks, Winnie! I always appreciate your feedback.
drjim
Vampires do you say?!? OMG, what an incredible story - and a very funny, energetic romp through the surgical theater of another one of your classic newsletters, WW! Always RIGHT ON .... and.....write on! LOVED this one!!
Thanks, Doc! I loved your "diner" by the way! Thanks for being there for me, every step of the way, and, for being my hero in that dream! 
k-9cooper
Yes it does suck to not eat before surgery. LOL I work in this field and all hear from patients is that's the worst part. But not once Have I ever been accused of being a vampire. LOL I enjoyed this letter. WTG WL. Glad to hear your surgery went well. K-9cooper
I actually needed two units of blood the day following surgery. Nobody wants to tell me where my blood went. So, I can only conclude that my anesthesia induced dream may have some truth to it. Thanks for the feedback, K-9! I'm happy you enjoyed the Newsletter}
BIG BAD WOLF is Howling 
Some days you're better off calling in sick.
Just stay away from those vampire-run hospitals if you really do get sick! 
Thanks for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it! 
See you next month!
WW
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