 Comedy: April 10, 2013 Issue [#5614] |
  Comedy
This week: Driving Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
-Dave Barry
“See?" he said, with an unholy amount of glee. "I hardly broke any laws at all. I should drive more often."
"No. Trust me, you shouldn't," Eve said. "Think of all the little old people and the children.”
-Rachel Caine, Bite Club
Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
-Dan Rather |
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Driving
I love driving.
I love driving so much that I drove across the country and back. Twice. I put forty-five thousand miles on my Subaru in the first two years I owned it.
So believe me when I say that there are some places where it's just not your best option.
New York City, for one. Well, contrary to popular belief, driving in NYC isn't that big a deal. You just have to stay alert, watch for stray pedestrians, dodge taxis, be aware of traffic signals (did you know you can make a right turn on red anywhere in the continental US - except for New York City?), look out for cops, swerve around stopped delivery vans, read all the traffic signs, know which streets are one-way, keep away from Times Square, and pay lots of tolls. No big deal.
The problem with driving in New York City is that the only reason to do it is if your destination is in New York City - and that means you have to find a parking spot.
Yeah. Good luck with that.
But as bad as New York can be, at least it's not Boston or Washington, D.C. Driving in either of those two cities makes me wish they were as logical as New York.
But there's one thing worse than all of that:
New Jersey.
Now, New Jersey is a weird state (but you knew that). It took me a while to figure out exactly why it's weird. It's because New York City is the largest city in the country, and Philadelphia is the fifth-largest, and New Jersey is neatly sandwiched between them.
New Jersey is a suburb. A suburb with attitude.
Usually, one drives through Jersey. This isn't so bad. You get on the turnpike, and then you get off the turnpike and pay the toll. But one time, I drove from New York City to Atlantic City, a trip of (theoretically) a bit over two hours. This involves getting on the Garden State Parkway (also tolls), and that's pretty much it. You'd think it'd be simple.
The problem is the GSP was under construction.
Now, lots of states have special rules about driving through construction zones. In an effort to promote safetycollect revenue, they lower speed limits and jack up fines when you drive through such a zone. Some states, like my own (Virginia), use that as an excuse to put up three orange cones and a cop shooting radar. Because when it comes to traffic, any time you see the word "safety," think "revenue."
New Jersey has such a law, and as far as I can tell, they're serious about it.
There's just one, tiny, itsy-bitsy problem.
Most people in the US believe that the speed limit is the upper limit to how fast you can go before you get a ticket, which generates revenue. In the main, this is true, though there's usually at least a 5-10mph leeway there. So my philosophy is to always go 9 mph over the speed limit. If it's 45, I'll go 54. If it's 55, I'll go 64. And so on. This is kind of a firm rule with me - I want to get where I'm going fast, and I don't want to get a ticket, so that's my compromise. When the roads in New Jersey aren't congested (yes, it happens on occasion), however, people in New Jersey believe that the speed limit is the minimum speed.
Which isn't usually a problem on the minor roads, because you can't go that fast on them anyway because of the potholes, and also isn't usually a problem on the major roads, because if I'm going 64 and everyone else is going 80, it's not that big a deal.
So the GSP was under construction, on this one trip, for about 50 miles. And the speed limit was lowered to 45 in an attempt to promote safetycollect revenue. Okay, that wasn't so much of a big deal. So I went 54 for an hour or so. The problem was that every one of the other drivers, all with NJ license plates, was still doing 80.
Now, sure, I could have sped up to match the traffic. But I can practically guarantee you that the cops preferentially pull over cars with out-of-state tags, because they're less likely to show up in court in three months to protest unfair treatment. And I could be going 75 while everyone else was going 90 and the cops would still have an excuse to bone me.
That was depressing enough. And then I got to Atlantic City. I've been to the three major gambling cities of the US: Reno, Vegas, and AC. Vegas is Vegas. Reno is so depressing they had to bring in Morrissey to cheer the place up. And Atlantic City makes Reno (with or without Morrissey) look like frakking Disney World.
Some trips are definitely worth it. Others... not so much. |
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (March 13, 2013)" , I talked about Daylight Savings Time.
Mumsy  : It's an illusion . . . much like the sudden glorious Spring weather that appeared just in time for those later sunsets.  *ducks*
I got two words for you, California Girl: Earth. Quake.
Mark Allen Mc Lemore  : Funny you should mention this. Makes me wonder; In Australia did they set the clocks back? Or, love how the time is 2am to actually set the clocks forward or backwards, because this just happens to be the time our bars close here in Michigan, meaning, the Saturday of Fall Back is one of the greatest bar nights ever, forget the upcoming St. Patrick's Day or New Years Eve, no, it is the night we get an extra hour at the bar.
Anyways, loved the letter, thanks.
Mark A. McLemore
Seems to me (and I'm too busy playing Bioshock Infinite to bother to look it up) that if Australia, New Zealand, et al. observe DST, they'd put the clocks ahead in their spring (our fall) and back in their fall (our spring). I know the middle of Oz does weird things with time zones, being 1/2 hour off from everyone else. Any Ozzies wanna chime in? (Get it? Time? Clock? Chime? I'll be here all week.) Also, yes, bars staying open longer is a big win for everyone!
Creeper Of The Realm  :  Love the newsletter..
..or you could move to Italy or anywhere in Europe where lunch starts at noonish and no one comes back to work after a two-three hour lunch.
What is this "work" of which you speak?
Seamus Leo : I think you would find Heidegger appealing.
And of course all this comment made me think of was the Philosophers' Song. (Warning: cussing)
And that's it for me for this month! Until next time, enjoy the drive and...
LAUGH ON!!! |
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