 Comedy: June 26, 2013 Issue [#5751] |
  Comedy
This week: Married with Children Edited by: Kitti the Red-Nosed Feline  
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When are you going to get married? When will you have children? Those questions drive me up the wall!
This week's Comedy Newsletter is all about weddings and kids...
Your guest editor:
kittiara
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I'm terribly clumsy. A couple of days ago I was in the kitchen, trying to open a freezer drawer. It wouldn't budge. There I was, crouched down, pulling and wiggling the thing around, when all of a sudden it flew into my lap and knocked me onto my backside, its contents spilling all over the floor. When I'd managed to get everything back in, I reckoned I would make myself a sandwich. A minute later, I almost managed to lose a finger to the lid of a tuna can. And when I reached for the ground pepper, I knocked another spice jar off the shelf. It fell onto my plate and broke it. I'm a walking, talking slapstick and the world's most unlikely domestic Goddess.
I'm also nearing forty years of age. This means that some people find it completely reasonable to ask me when I am going to get married, and when I am finally going to have a baby. Tick-tock, don't ignore the body clock! I don't know why they think it's okay to poke their noses into my business, but I'll just get it out there once and for all.
Me, with a baby? I couldn't do that to any child. Besides, first of all, there's the giving birth thing. No. Just no. Whoever designed that whole process must have been having a laugh. And once the baby's out, it's this fragile, delicate little creature who completely and utterly relies on you. New mothers often insist you hold their pride and joy, and it makes me break out in nervous sweat. I don't want to hold your child! It wriggles and I might drop it! I'll leave motherhood to other people, thank you very much.
Getting married involves having someone to get married to. Now let's, for the sake of argument, say that I do. Someone who can live with the disaster zone I create around me. Part of what people mean when they ask if you're going to get married, is "when are you going to have a wedding that I can attend". That means that you can't simply sneak off and do the whole thing in private, because you'll have a lot of ticked-off family members and friends.
My family has feuds going back decades. The seating arrangements would require the skill of a high-level strategist. I do have the obligatory embarrassing uncle if I can believe the rumors about him. He's always been this shy, quiet soul, but I have heard about the pictures from his last vacation. The ones where he's boogieing on the top of a table. It would almost make it worth it to experience that. Almost.
Anyway, then there's the dress. I don't do dresses. Or skirts. I don't want to be a princess for a day, and I don't want all eyes on me. I'd trip over my hem or get my dress stuck somewhere and tear it.
I don't wear rings. I can't get worked up about flower arrangements and napkin rings. I have no inner Bridezilla and I hate having my picture taken.
I'd consider getting married if I could skip my own wedding. I'd even be open to having children if they could magically appear as thirty-year-olds, because if they wanted to have kids of their own, being a granny may not be as bad, at least when the grand kids are old enough to toddle along and have some basic means of communication other than crying.
None of that is possible, so I'll content myself listening to other people's stories. There always seems to be something that goes wrong at a wedding. As someone who, for once, isn't the one at the center of the mess-up, I can sit back quite happily and be amused.
kittiara
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