 Comedy: July 03, 2013 Issue [#5758] |
  Comedy
This week: Bugs Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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I'm a bit of a caveman - I don't go out into the digital space very often. I lie facedown on the grass and count how many bugs I can find.
- Dave Matthews
I'm terrified of bugs and I travel with sprays, lotions, potions; the lot. I have to check the room before I go to sleep and if I come across a bug and fail to remove it I have to sleep in a separate room as I'm paranoid that I'll be taken advantage of as I sleep.
- Freema Agyeman
When birds burp, it must taste like bugs.
- Bill Watterson |
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Bugs
Well, summer here is in full swing, which, now that I no longer get time off from school and live in an air conditioned house (yes, readers of my last newsletter, it's working just fine now), means exactly nothing.
Okay, not exactly nothing. It means bug season.
And by "bugs" I'm not making any scientific classification here. I mean anything with six legs and an exoskeleton that isn't a butterfly. Everything matching that description that bugs me is, by definition, a bug.
And holy entomology, Batman, are there a lot of bugs this year.
Yeah, this year supposedly marked the return of the 17-year cicadas, or, as people around here like to call them, "locustses." That's an actual word in rural Virginia: Locustses. It's pronounced without the "t," so you have to rely on context to know whether the local hicks are referring to cicadas or messing up the plural of "locus," which should be "loci," but as a rule, hicks don't bother with that fancy Latin stuff.
Anyway, for some reason, we didn't get any "locustses" near my house. We do, however, have more lightning bugs than in previous summers. Which is actually pretty cool; I'll leave lightning bugs out of my definition of bugs because, despite the name, they don't bug me.
What does bug me are cockroaches, fruit flies, ants, wasps, skeeters, beetles, unidentifiable insects, and my archnemeses: the stinkbugs.
Stinkbugs, of course, are relatively harmless. But they often come in packs, and they really do stink. Fortunately, I haven't seen one in a few days, which can only mean they're off breeding new stinkbugs to bug me.
Everything else has been crawling, flying and hopping all around me, and I'm getting to the point where I think the only way to be sure to be rid of the little monsters is cleansing fire.
Now, fortunately, one kind of bug that isn't here is the bedbug (for which the *only* solution is the purity of flame), but I've had close encounters with pretty much every other kind. And by "close" I mean "so close the sole of my shoe can touch it, and then does so."
And my cats are no help. One of them is sick, poor thing, and she doesn't even notice the bugs. The other one stays outside, and what he does with the local bug population is unknown, but if it's anything like what he does with the bird population, it's a good thing.
I've had it with bugs. I'd almost wish for winter to arrive, but then it'll be winter and I'll be even less likely to leave the house, and the bugs might get it in their miniscule heads that it's better to be inside where it's warm. No thanks. No, there's only one solution, short of fire.
I've made arrangements with the local spiders. Pretty soon, no more bugs.
But... then I'll have spiders.
Can't win.
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Some funny stuff to bug you with
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (June 5, 2013)" , I talked about summer and my (fortunately temporary) lack of air conditioning.
Elle - on hiatus  : Not only is it not summer here, but because our temperatures don't suffer extremes, we don't have central heating/air conditioning except in high rise offices. Maybe your backup plan just needs to be 'move to Auckland'! 
That's great. How are the bugs doing?
Marci Missing Everyone  : I can totally identify with the A/C thing since, especially since in live in the Southeast. Great newsletter, and hilarious story!
Do you live in a part of the Southeast that doesn't have bugs? Wait, no such place. Nevermind.
Mummsy  : Do you really think your first wife would announce her arrival like that? 
I'm very much on board with the whole "screw seasons" thing . . . you know how happy I am to no longer deal with SNOW. *shudders*
Yeah, but California still has bugs. And hippies.
Zheila : Hi Midsummer Night's Waltz;
I came home after a rough day with two elderly citizen and read your story "Summer". It made me laugh. Thanks for sharing it.
Sincerely,
Zheila
Glad it didn't bug you.
writetight: Aw, Waltz, while reading your "Summer" newsletter, I was going with the flow, enjoying your true story. Then I got to the last sentence: "At least he didn't charge me." At that point I knew it was either fiction, or you have much nicer HVAC guys than those in Texas. 
Dan
Yeah, yeah, but they'd been there just a week before. Bet the exterminator would charge me, though. To get rid of these gods-be-damned bugs.
And that's it for this one - see you next time! Until then, keep the bugs away and...
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