 Comedy: November 20, 2013 Issue [#6005] |
  Comedy
This week: Thanksgiving Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.
-Oscar Wilde
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
-John Stewart
Here in Britain, of course, it's Thank [CENSORED] We Got Those Weird Jesus Bastards On The Boat Day
-Warren Ellis |
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Thanksgiving
So here in the One True Country, Thanksgiving is next week.
I'm probably going to make next week's editor angry (and I'm too lazy to look up who's writing the Comedy newsletter next week, so I don't know if she'll forgive me or not), because that one comes out the day before T-day and it's a pretty obvious topic for November. But I've been doing this editorial for over six years now, and I'm running out of ideas. Look for my Christmas special next month. And only the Comedy Gods
| Curly, Larry and Moe are their ineffable Names |
Anyway, Thanksgiving. Yeah.
Last month, I had the honor of being named an honorary (hence, "honor") member of an actual, Federally-recognized Indian tribe. Long story. I have no Native ancestry that I know of. But as a result, I feel like I should rag on the palefaces for how they "thanked" the Natives for feeding them those first few winters. But it's been done, and by better comedy writers than me. I'll have to find another way to stick it to Whitey, perhaps in a future newsletter.
Or maybe I should make some ironic comment about how the tradition supposedly started with the Puritans (it didn't, really) and how it's turned into a massive bout of gluttony, which I'm pretty sure the Puritans considered a sin. Because the Puritans considered pretty much everything a sin. But again, that's been done.
Or I could just make turkey jokes. I'd make tofurkey jokes, but tofurkey's pretty much a joke anyway. And don't get me started on turduckens.
There's always the perennial favorite about Black Friday creep, where a comedian complains about how stores start the holiday greedy season on Thursday instead of the traditional Friday, but not only has that been done, but not one of you will believe me when I say I won't be participating in such nonsense.
No, I think I'll make yuks about that one other staple of the Thanksgiving holiday, at least for most of us:
Family.
There's one thing I have to be eternally thankful for next week: that I no longer have immediate family. Oh, it's not that they were bad; I appreciated having a family, but I was perfectly content appreciating them from a distance and sometimes on weekends.
It's just something about Thanksgiving. If Christmas tends to bring out the best in people (and sometimes it does), Thanksgiving, perhaps because of its focus on all the abovementioned things, brings out the worst. And my family never observed Christmas, so I didn't get that balance.
It was worst with my first wife. Her parents lived about two hours from mine, so every Thanksgiving was a juggling act: get to her family at noon, scarf down half the food they expected us to (an egregious breach of etiquette) and then tear up the road to my parents, who inevitably started without us and we ended up having to gnaw turkey bones and eat stuffing scrapings (my parents called it "stuffing." Hers called it "dressing".)
Fortunately, that marriage didn't last very long, perhaps because of inability to compromise on what to call the stuff you shove up the turkey's arse before roasting it.
And then there's the utter inability for an American family of any origin or religious persuasion to have a Thanksgiving dinner without someone implying - or perhaps outright stating - that you're somehow doing something wrong with your life. And if you happen to try to have Thanksgiving dinner at more than one place, the judgment is doubled.
Of course, I certainly was doing something wrong with my life (which is why I'm a Comedy newsletter editor instead of an investment banker), but they didn't need to know that.
Ah, yes, family drama. I remember it well. And not fondly. This year, I'll be eating Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. Alone. No drama whatsoever, unless the server neglects to keep my wine glass topped off. Still, I hope all the American readers who managed to make it to this paragraph can find some way to enjoy their Thanksgiving.
Even if it does mark you as one of the invaders. |
A few courses from the Thanksgiving feast:
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Last time, in "Humorween" , I talked about the funny side of Halloween.
Mumsy  : Time to pull out my Robert Waltz costume. 
You want to scare everyone away? 
Ida_Matilda_Wright Help  : Thank you for your newsletter. I have review all the items that you have highlighted, and I agree. They are the best.
Thank you again,
Ida
Thanks for reading!
Pepper  : As I read this, my twelve-year-old son is watching Ghost Busters. Now, there's a great combination of humor and scary.
There is no Dana. There is only Zuul.
Acme : Well said, that man. We need a little light relief in our horror, and a little horror in our light relief. And after a 4 year hiatus, it did my soul the world of good to bring back Acme’s Comedy Scream Hallowe’en this year.
Yay! Good to see you're back. Now the humor level is back up where it should be!
And the following comment was from the June newsletter, "Summer" , wherein I said: "I'm addressing people in the Best Hemisphere, here; all you upside-down below-the-equator types might want to save this newsletter for six months and read it in December. Or not. Whatever."
Jacqueline : to Robert due to computer problems I am only reading your newsletter now down under and we are in spring. Our spring has been up and down one day nice next boiling hot, bringing bush fires. Today we have rain but not cold rain, which will help with the bush fire. Spring and Autumn are my favourite season. So as we head into Summer I will be sweating as we don't have air con. And by the way I love cats too. Thank you enjoyed your newletter
Thanks for taking my advice! Well, almost. One day I'll find something funny to say about the weather. As it's raining as I write this, that day isn't today.
And that'll do it for me for November! Again, a happy Thanksgiving to the US readers, and happy Make Fun of Americans day to everyone else - wait, that's every day. Until next time,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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