 Comedy: December 18, 2013 Issue [#6049] |
  Comedy
This week: Winter Travel Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Nothing burns like the cold.
-George R.R. Martin
A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
-Carl Reiner
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours.”
-Robert Byrne |
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There's a particular magic about winter, a magic that seems to exist solely to keep people close to hearth and home. That magic is called "damn freezing cold weather."
However, I, for a peculiar confluence of reasons, have decided that this winter would be a jolly good time to drive across the United States.
Again.
Apparently the primary reason for this is because there can't help but be times when something funny will happen to me, like getting frozen in the parking lot of a roadhouse in Arizona or stuck in a ditch in Donner Pass. As a comedy writer, this sort of thing is sure to be comedy gold.
"Why are you doing this?" people ask me. "It's going to snow. Ice will fall from the sky. Roads will be closed. You'll get stuck in Arkansas."
I'll show them. I won't drive through Arkansas.
No, I'll tell you the primary reason for the trip. Of all the things I like to do, traveling and drinking beer are in the top 10 (along with other things I can't mention here). So I sez to myself, "Self - why not combine these two loves? Obviously not driving after drinking, but driving and then drinking beer?" I liked that idea, because it came from the smartest, wisest, and funniest person I know, so off I go.
Now, no, I can't just go to the grocery store. The kind of beer I like isn't the crappy, watery swill advertised on TV. It's brewed in small batches, in various craft breweries around the country (and beyond). There are now, according to the Brewers Association, approximately 2500 breweries scattered around the US... as of June. More open every week.
And about 1/5 of them are in California, which is where I don't live.
Yes, I'm going to have to spend quite a bit of time in California to put a dent in that, as I've only been to two of them thus far. Fortunately, I have good friends who live in California and think I'm only going to crash on their couch for a couple of weeks. 
So anyway, I've come up with a plan for getting there, which involves checking the weather every morning and driving in the opposite direction of any. It shouldn't take me more than a month to drive to the west coast, that way.
I've also been collecting a list of tips for driving across the country in winter, which, because I'm a generous, caring kind of guy, I'll share with you.
Tips for Driving Across the Country in Winter
1. Don't.
2. No, seriously. Don't.
3. *Sigh* You're going to ignore Tips 1 and 2, aren't you? Okay, then read on.
4. Pack lots of sunscreen. Oh, wait, that's a summer tip.
5. I'm telling you: Don't.
6. Okay, okay. Be sure you have the right kind of car, with good tread and lots of power. A tank would be best.
7. Look, just get on an airplane like a normal person, okay?
8. Take a southern route. Preferably, get on a ship in Miami and have it take you through the Panama Canal and drop you off in L.A.
9. Be sure to stock in your car: jumper cables, Fix-a-Flat, chains, whips, handcuffs, flares, kitty litter, the kitty, protein bars, a camp stove, bottles of water, a -30-rated sleeping bag, and polar bear repellent.
10. No, really. Don't.
But hey, it'll be an adventure, right? It might even give me something to talk about in the next newsletter. |
Just a few funnies. Laugh, my puppets, laugh.
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Last time, in "Thanksgiving" , I waxed comedic about Thanksgiving.
Mummsy  : Right . . . well, did you happen to see this? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKNUsr_Jjz8 I posted it on Failbook yesterday, with the tagline "how to light a turkey for Thanksgivukkah" and my sister-in-law decided to correct me. "It's Thanksgiving." Ok, well this year I, like many other Jewish Americans, will celebrate the two holidays together. "You don't need to rename it." While I really wanted to go off about how the holiday was celebrating how we swept in and claimed this land for ourselves, I simply stated that it was my right to give the day a fond nickname if I so chose.
Hooray for family.
In-laws are the worst, amirite?
And that's it for me for this year. Merry Christmas, Happy New year, and safe travels! If I survive, I'll see you in January. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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