 Comedy: April 09, 2014 Issue [#6250] |
  Comedy
This week: Not That Serious Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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She smiled, and there it was again, that aching pressure in his chest. Love, or a heart attack. Kind of the same thing.
-Kristan Higgins
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
-Robert Benchley
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
-Demetri Martin |
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Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to find quotes  about heart attacks that are funny? No, probably not. After all, the expression "serious as a heart attack" exists for a reason.
In February, as if I didn't have enough reason to hate that accursed month (see my February newsletter, or don't if you don't want to get depressed), I went to the ER with chest pains. And they told me I was having a heart attack.
I have no idea what goes through the brains of normal people in a situation like that. It's common enough, I suppose - chest pains, trip to the ER, and then about five hundred doctors, nurses, orderlies, techs, organ harvesters, and veterinarians all gathered around doing obscure stuff to you with arcane equipment. I suspect normal people would be scared to death. Or, well, that is, if they weren't going to die of the heart attack anyway.
Spoiler alert: I lived.
Like I said, I don't know what normal people do in those situations, but me? I was like "This is totally going in the Writing.Com Comedy Newsletter."
Not that I said that out loud; none of them would have known what I was talking about, and then I'd have worse problems than a heart attack, namely visits with head shrinks. Which I almost had to do anyway, because when something like that is happening to me, all I can do is make jokes.
Some might call it a defense mechanism; some might call it insanity. I call it comedy. Because at its root, comedy is our middle finger in the face of death, an expression of our need to take life's most serious events and turn them into jokes, because if we don't, then we've already lost.
Other people don't seem to laugh, though. They get all freaked out and worried, which is weird, because it's not like this crap is happening to them. And then everyone has their own idea of how you should live, after a heart attack. Don't eat pizza. Don't drink beer. Lay off the cigars. Cut out the salt. No dessert. Drink water. Don't drink water. Low sodium this, low cholesterol that.
Whatever. Look, the prevailing opinion seems to be that length of life is what's important. I saw one study that showed that if we don't drink or smoke, and keep calorie intake exceedingly low, we can add a significant number of years to our lives. So, basically, take away everything that makes life worth living, and you get to live longer?
How about no?
I know some people don't get that. It's hard, I suppose, to imagine why I wouldn't want to immediately change every aspect of my lifestyle to avoid getting another heart attack. Well, it's simple: I'm going to die of something. I watched my parents both take the long road of dementia, and they were dead before their hearts stopped beating. I'd do anything to avoid that. And there's the other thing: I could deny myself everything that I enjoy, and get hit by a bus, having successfully practiced self-denial for no reason. I could have a stroke, or cancer, or any number of dread diseases. Anything can happen, and none of it's worth never taking another bite of delicious pepperoni pizza.
Tell me I could never have another beer or I'll die, and I'll take a moment to update my will before savoring my last sip of holy amber nectar.
Also, if I could change my lifestyle, I'd have done it years ago. I'm not stupid or ignorant; I'm stubborn and lazy. There's a difference.
No, as deaths go, sudden chest pain followed by eternal darkness seems quite attractive compared to some. At least then I wouldn't have to hear another Nickelback song.
In any case, like I said, thanks to science, medical technology, and caring, competent hospital staff, I survived. Not only survived, but got better fast, because the things they do now to remove arterial blockages involve local anesthetic and immediately restore blood flow to the heart. (you'd think the heart would automatically have blood in it, because it's a heart, but that turns out not to be the case. Go figure.) So by the next morning, I was itching to go out and run a marathon. Which is weird, because I'm allergic to exercise.
Oh, but the worst thing? The worst thing is that this happened the day before my birthday. I spent my birthday this year lying in a hospital bed, feeling quite chipper and wanting to get up and walk out and have some birthday tequila (one shot for every year, you know), but they wouldn't let me.
Worst. Birthday. Ever.
And they ask me why I hate February. |
Just some funnies to help relieve dangerous levels of stress:
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Last time, in "Save It" , I ranted about Daylight Saving Time.
Mummsy  : I lost an hour of sleep after a Bat Mitzvah that ended at midnight, having traveled across 3 time zones. And then back again. I'm all fercockt.
You want I should give you a medal?
LostGhost: Seeking & Learning  :  I am in India, and our time remains same throughout the year. I remember first time I noticed this time change, I was completely bewildered. I checked my computer and phone time which matched. But yet WDC midday happened an hour earlier. I was about to write mail to SM about this discrepancy when I noticed a blog post celebrating the time change.
For even more fun, some places are offset by 1/2 hour instead of a whole hour.
taliah_l: Nice newsletter, I agree with all you said (except the saving/savings thing, but whatever). In my opinion you skipped the most obvious and annoying flaw in the daylight savings idea—there is plenty of daylight in summer! More than enough to go around! Why do we not save daylight in winter?
Personally, I'd rather hibernate in winter.
Happy Spring  : I live in Arizona(never time change) but I have to keep up with the rest of the country to communicate with friends and family. Three hours earlier there, two hours later over here...Good Grief!
Great Newsletter....The subject of day light saving time is an endless battle! I'm glad that you found the sunny side of this subject! Funny!
Interesting bit of trivia: There are times when someone living in Florida can phone someone living in Oregon and they'll agree on what time it is. How this is possible I leave as an exercise to the reader.
And that's it for me for April - no fooling! Until next time,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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