 Comedy: March 11, 2015 Issue [#6866] |
  Comedy
This week: Cold Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.
-Carl Reiner
It's too cold outside for angels to fly.
-Ed Sheeran
Colder by the hour, more dead with every breath.
-John Green
Nothing burns like the cold.
-George R.R. Martin |
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It's cold.
It's been cold for a long, long time.
I can barely remember being warm. Well, except that I live in a nice warm house with nice warm blankets, so really, I'm warm most of the time. But when I step outside, I'm hit by a blast of Siberia.
While the obvious solution is obvious ("don't step outside"), that turns out to be unworkable in the real world - at least until Amazon launches its drone delivery system and Virginia makes it legal to mail liquor to me.
I know some people like the cold. "Oh, I love cold weather," they'll say. "I love bundling up. It's so much easier to wear more clothes, but when you're hot, you can't always take more off."
These people are wrong and these wrong people should go live in Yakutsk .
Tell me this, O frigid ones: why is it bad to be "cold" to someone, and good to be "warm?" Hm? Because cold is bad.
You know that scene in A Christmas Story when Randy (the little brother) gets "bundled up" so much he can't put his arms down? His mom tries pushing them down but they just pop back up. It cracks me up every time - at least until I remember that that is what I feel like every damn time I have to go outside in the winter.
http://old.seattletimes.com/ABPub/2010/12/09/2013441854.jpg
And I don't even live in Indiana (for which I am eternally grateful). Here in Virginia, we're usually treated to mild winters with maybe a few days of really cold weather. That, I can deal with. There's an end to it. It'll be like 25 on Monday, 65 on Wednesday, and 30 and snowing on Friday. (Yes, all temperatures are in Fahrenheit. 65C would really suck.) It may not be consistent, but at least the occasional cold snap makes us appreciate the mild days more.
Not this year, though. We had at least a week where lows stayed in the single digits. And that is Just Plain Wrong and needs to stop, or I'm going to have to move to New Mexico.
Well, spring is only a few days away, now. Hopefully things will warm up. With my luck, though, it'll get into the 50s and rain for weeks. |
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