 Comedy: May 27, 2015 Issue [#7015] |
  Comedy
This week: It Does Not Compute Edited by: Kate - Writing & Reading  
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Greetings, I’m honored to be your guest host for this week’s Writing.Comedy Newsletter.
It takes seven muscles to smile and twenty-seven to frown, and laughter is an aerobic exercise. So think of it, comedy is therapeutic - both for the writer and the reader/listener 
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I’m not a funny person, I’m told. I often miss a punch line; but I have a knack for making people laugh when I open my mouth, albeit at my expense  So, I've learned over decades to keep my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut (my pencil ever sharpened).
As a seasoned eavesdropper, I catch bits and pieces of conversations, verbal and tactile, and weave stories and verse real and imagined, sometimes hilarious. And some of the most comical are those which relate to computers. One doesn't need a lot of technical expertise to operate a computer, they are so 'simple' a kid can compute. Just watch, a child simply picks up a joystick or taps a few keys and navigates through a game without aid of a manual. So why can't adults do likewise? Why do we read the manual, follow the schematic and, when we still can't get past the start-up screen or, worse yet, in a fit of frustrated angst, slam a bunch of keys and evoke the 'blue screen of death,' give up and call 'customer service.' The toll free number, after several mechanical prompts in at least two languages, queues us for a human technician (sometimes  .
"Good evening, I'm Rick from your-proprietary-compouter-provider, how can I help you?
"I just got a brand new laptop and it doesn't work."
"What’s your operating system?”
“High Speed DSL”
“Your operating system, what do you see on your computer when you start up?”
“A sunflower”
“Okay, to help you, I need you to open ‘my computer.’”
“I don’t care about your computer, I called you to get my computer running right.”
“I’m trying to do that, and I need you to open ‘my computer’ so you can tell me your operating system”
“I told you it’s high-speed DSL, weren’t you listening?”
“Ma’am, I need you to right click on ‘start’ please.”
“I don’t see a start button on the keyboard, or on the screen, I’ve pressed them all and just managed to blur the sunflower on the monitor.”
“Ma’am, please look at the status bar at the bottom of your screen, you’ll see an icon and the word ‘start’
“Under the sunflower?”
“Yes, under the sunflower; do you see it?”
“Yes, I do, what a dumb place for it”
“Now right-click on the word ‘start’.”
*****
A computer is obsolete from the moment it is manufactured, as faster, smarter computers are constantly being developed. If mortal humanity had a similar parallel, I can only imagine how we would look today ~ hmm, another adventure comedic 
Unless you are the real "Rip VanWinkle" awakened after several centuries, you've had some quarrel or other with a keyboard or laptop where you've come up on the short end. Perhaps your favorite 'handle' was co-opted; or the story nearly ready for submission was saved, you're sure, maybe perhaps, but where? Or, you've diligently trouble-shot your missing shortcut via the manual with such lack of success that you begin to question whether you are reading the section in your own language? Or, maybe you've been on the giving end of some advice or counsel and managed with Herculean effort not to either laugh at or strangle the querant who just 'didn't get it.'
For sanity's sake, find - and, fellow wordsmith, share - the humor of it! And, as an added bonus, know you are contributing ot the health and well-being of your readers - eliciting some aerobic exercise   
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Find the 'start' button on your computer, point and click with mouse, select 'Writing.Com' and see how the following entries compute. Perhaps share your thoughts with the mortal (or mechanical) author of verse, prose (both fiction and fact) with a comment, or perchance a review 
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Since I'm a guest, I don't have prior comments to share, but do have a challenge for your mechanical sentient companion
Tell me, what's the most comedic computer-related question you've ever heard - or queried - you don't have to admit it's your own question Write to this newsletter with a bitem link to your story, poem or op ed piece, and if I'm sufficiently enlightened / entertained / confused, we may see your words in a couple weeks, when I will once again be your host 
Write On 
Kate
Kate - Writing & Reading
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