 Comedy: July 15, 2015 Issue [#7094] |
  Comedy
This week: Seeing the Light of Rehabilitaion Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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7. Removal instructions
A rascally Racoon's diet program called “Waste-Watchers” is coming to an end! No longer will she trash the neighborhood trash, for easy waste-bin pickings!
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Hello there, folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter. This is going to be an educational newsletter, a sort of Public Communications Broadcast to help anybody who finds themselves in this situation and needs good advice.
Since our last meeting, I have discovered that a mother raccoon has taken up residency in my attic. Not only has she made herself all comfy up there, but she also thought it would be a great place to raise a family. Thus, I have a mom and several kits enjoying the shelter of my attic floorboards.
It started quite innocently with my neighbor noticing a hole in my siding toward the back of the house, and saw a little head peeking out of the hole. Next thing I knew, I was standing in her driveway looking beyond the tree branches toward the hole. She said she noticed the raccoon leaving at around 5:30 p.m.
Well, my jaw dropped as I started to picture the problems these pests could make; albeit cute and fuzzy looking creatures, they are nevertheless home invasion pests.
I told Web-Lock about our uninvited visitors and he, not being native to this particlar part of the region, suggested ways to remove these unwelcomed guests. However, as much as those methods were acceptable back there, I wasn’t sure it was okay in our current neck of the woods, so I decided to search for professional help for answers to these questions.
What I was looking for was the modern day version of a “Larry, Daryl and Daryll.” You may know them, they were the three brothers who would do “anything for a buck” on the old show, “Newhart.” That’s the one where Bob Newhart’s character and wife ran an antique inn, in Vermont. The brothers were amusing, as only one spoke -- Larry. However, I digress. As much as I enjoyed the show, all I was currently looking for were wild animal removal people who could do what Larry and the Daryl/ls could do.
After perusing the various companies online, I knew a couple things had to be required of the pros. One, they needed to be close enough to my home out in the sticks, not those big city pest removal associations. That’s because they could get to my house faster and most likely be cheaper, should said creature be caught and reacting with banging noises and screeches. And second, they couldn’t be a huge corporation, like some pest removal companies, because many of them end up finding more things wrong than the original problem, ( Those fifty year-old marks in the joists over the covered storage room next to the main part of the house, looks like carpenter ant chews. We don’t want them remembering where this place is a half a century later, and thus, should treat the entire house, foundation and gardens) and, they want you to sign a yearly contract for their superior services. 
So, I found a private company the next town over. How lucky is that? One speck on the map--if even showing on our map, comes to the aid of another. I admire that. I like keeping the local economy going.
Long story to make short, I hired the guy. He found where the raccoon got in -- each claw mark up the rear part of the house all the way up toward the hole leading to the attic. He then found loosened floorboards in the attic where he said the kits were snuggled down.
Next was the removal plan. Now, this is something that I had difficulty wrapping my mind around, and thought I misunderstood the words coming out of his mouth.
“Well Ma’am, we’re going to get right on this. I have the trap out in the truck and will set it below the spot where the raccoon climbs. She will be attracted to the food inside and the door will shut behind her. Once we catch the mother, we will transport her to a rehabilitation center, and then come back for the kits, which are easier to remove.”
"Hold on. HOLD ON! Did I just hear you say you were taking the raccoon to a rehab center? How, in all that’s rational and common sensical, do you rehabilitate a wild raccoon?” 
Yes, Ma’am, that’s what I said. You see, in this state, you cannot relocate a raccoon as an individual homeowner -- it’s illegal to do so. They must be brought to one of two centers.”
“Please tell me this rehab center you choose is way up north of here -- like in Canada. Because there might be a high recidivist rate for this kind of behavior. ”
“Very funny, Ma’am, but no, not that far away. However, it is about a half-hour drive from here and there’s little chance of the raccoon finding her way back to your residence, once she’s been rehabilitated.”
“Okay, I’ll take your word for it. But again, how does the rehabilitation part come in?”
“Well Ma’am, we take the mother to the rehab facility, where they place her in a cage and keep an eye on her, giving her food and water and keeping her as calm as possible. She ain’t gonna like being trapped and relocated away from her babies. Then, when she gets used to the place and knows that no harm will come to her, they will reintroduce her kits back into the same cage with her and feed them all. Eventually they will be released in the wild, again.”
While he was talking, I had all these images running around my head. I started thinking: Do they have little orange jumpsuits, so the wild life guards can tell the inmates from those whom have already been rehabilitated, and set free into the wild? And if so, do the ones who’ve been rehabilitated make fun of those still in the cages? Do they mutter raccoon obscenities at them, thus causing the mother ’coon to get angry and back-step on her rehabilitation, making it less likely she’ll be free anytime soon?
Perhaps they have a little campfire and all the offenders sit in a circle, paws in tiny cuffs and chained to posts, so they can’t escape prematurely, and discuss what led them to their crimes of abuse against human homes. Then they toast a little kibble over the fire and sing “'Coon Bye-Yeah” 
Weeks have passed, and you know something? My raccoon doesn’t fall for the trap. So the trapper says we need to try another approach. He said most likely this raccoon was trapped by another homeowner in the area and then released and recognizes a trap when she sees it.
Oh, great, folks -- leave it to WW to have a Mensa-member, ‘coon! 
As of writing this edition, the new plan has not been introduced to the mother raccoon. When I inquired as to why I'm still harboring this unwanted feral family in my attic, I got a pretty good excuse response.
"Well Ma'am, don't think I forgot you or anything like that. I broke two ribs, and the guy I hired to help me, quit the other day. But don't you worry, as soon as I can breathe without screaming, I'll be right over there, and remove them raccoons from your attic. I'm gonna need lots of strength and heavy protective clothing on, which makes breathing even harder. So, it's best I give my ribs another day or two before doing the removal."
"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear about your broken ribs. How did that happen?" I envisioned him falling down somebody's attic stairs with an arm full of raccoons. I also imagined a homeowner's insurance policy being upped due to some claim of negligence.
"A deer kicked me in the ribs!"
"Was it in someone's attic?"
"No. Ma'am, it was in their swimming pool"
 ...
 ...
I had nothing to add to that and hung up the phone. It was too much for my mind to picture Bambi doing the side stroke in someone's swimming pool.
I’ll let you know if the raccoons ever make it to rehabilitation. Or, if I’ll actually be the one needing it, before this crisis is over. 
It’s a wrap for this edition of the comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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A little "SPAM" ... Intentionally bad poetry that has a place in the comedy genre!  The link to this contest is embedded at the end of this first entry highlighted, if you are curious about the contest. I would have highlighted it here, but the forum is a GC rating, and editors don't post items rated above 18+ in the Newsletters, because not all members have their content rating choices set to that higher level. Editors love all of their readers to see their Editor's Picks, 
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Have an opinion on what you've read here today? Then send the Editor feedback! Find an item that you think would be perfect for showcasing here? Submit it for consideration in the newsletter!
https://www.Writing.Com/go/nl_form
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 Thanks to all these readers who responded to my challenge on "Comedy Newsletter (June 17, 2015)" Each one who suggested a series for me to watch when I am at my Southern Comand Center in Florida, have received a Movie Lovers MB!
 That's show-biz, folks. 
willwilcox
You have 4 daughters? I have 4 daughters! Maybe we can merge 'em and start a girls baseball team or something.
Movies? Yeah, I got some favs. I enjoyed Netflix 'DareDevil'
Elfin Dragon-finally published 
hmmm, TV series? You mentioned Dexter. I'm all into things like Bones, Criminal Minds, Sleepy Hollow, The Following, NCIS, Hell's Kitchen, Masterchef, Masterchef Junior, So You Think You Can Dance, Wayward Pines, Grimm, Boston Legal, Space Above and Beyond, Farscape, Firefly, Babylon 5, Stargate SG-1, Heroes, Inuyasha, Saiyuki, Ghost In the Shell.
Ok, is that enough or do you want more?
Just an Ordinary Boo!
Tell me you have watched 'Monk'? You must have, right? If not, that is an amazing series. I also liked the entire 'Bones' lot & adored 'House' (I am a doc, so he 'speaks' to me!).
I live in India and these serials used to reach us late, sometimes after they 'died' over there, and a busy life prevented regular watching even when they did. Yep, I too am hooked to buying the DVDs and seeing all of the episodes now that I have both the time and the money!
Jyo
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW! Like you, I never had money to buy fancy stuff when I was younger, but I didn't really miss it. I go for eclectic or classic. If it's trendy, I stay away. I do the same with TV shows, but I'm glad you've found popular shows you like! I think Big Bang Theory is the only popular show that's on my list. Love that one! Great newsletter!
Quick-Quill 
I have netflix. It can be watched from any location with internet service. I'd suggest old school. I have....wait for it. two seasons of Highway to Heaven. I love it. I love Grimm.
blunderbuss
Suggestion: If you liked Downton, you would probably enjoy Brideshead Revisited. It's older, of course.
 Thank you, for all of your great suggestions! Many of these shows I have not seen, and look forward to collecting the DVDs for hunkering down these coming winter months -- in Florida, of course! 
drjim
Hey there, WW! I see you are plying the channels of WDC's Sea of Humors - and always folks smile their way (usually) through your stories at once! I truly liked this one too, what with allowing that we don't always keep up with the Smiths and the Joneses every which way...oh wait a minute! Nothing like a good dose of laughter found in all the telling, tiny places - and yet, it is almost better to be able to watch a full year's episodes of a popular program on a whim whenever one feels compelled to do so. Life is good, plentifully so - if one counts the blessings when one remembers the catch-all phrase... Live Love Laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, no matter if a NL like this elicits broad smiles or contagious, shrieking laughs that spread like a wild contagion. THAT is the cool thing about your talent - one never knows what you'll say next time!! Keep on writing wording watching. The world depends on it!!
Thank you so much, Web-Lock, for your feedback. Looks like we've got some good shows lined-up for Florida, thanks to all the folks above.
Thanks for the feedback folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month!
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