 Comedy: August 26, 2015 Issue [#7178] |
  Comedy
This week: Hoarder Up! Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.
-Erma Bombeck
I have sporadic OCD cleaning moments around the house. But then I get lazy and I'm cured. It's a very inconsistent personality trait.
-Chris Hemsworth
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
-Terry Pratchett |
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In my last two newsletters, I explained some of the virtues of hoarding. To summarize: 1) If you keep stuff around rather than throwing it away, you have it when you need it; and 2) if you keep (some) stuff around long enough, it becomes valuable.
And now, the moment I'm sure you've all been waiting for with bated
| That, by the way, is the correct spelling in this context, not "baited." You're not trying to catch fish with your breath - I hope. (Same root as "abated") |
Now, there are certain words that I don't like to use as verbs. "Antique" is one such word. And I only use "wine" as a verb when I'm going out wine-tasting, because it sounds like "whining." But at the very top of the list of nouns which don't get verbed in my world are "dust" and "clean."
Nevertheless, even people as determinedly lazy and chronically depressed as I am need to, um, neaten up their living space every decade or so. It's not as if I have Szechuan containers or pizza boxes lying around - I'm not so big a slob as to not throw them away - but when the dust bunnies are on the verge of inventing the wheel, they have, perhaps, been evolving for too long.
Things just collect. Mostly books and clothing, but... things. Stuff. And even if you're opposed to throwing them away, they should at least be organized, so the clothing's not on the bookshelf and the books aren't in the T-shirt drawer. Well, except for that one book. More a magazine, really. Ahem. But I digress.
The point I'm trying to get at is that sorting through such clutter is a bit like going on an archaeological expedition. Sometimes you find the most interesting things. For example, on my recent week spent decluttering approximately one square foot of my bedroom - like an archaeologist, I lay out a grid system with string, and tackle the site one segment at a time - I found the following:
 A book on how to declutter (never read)
A five-quid note (I live in the US)
Three pieces of a Russian nesting doll (I can only assume the other pieces are in another grid)
My first copy of "Cooking for One" (I was wondering where that went)
A paleolithic hand axe
More string
Hamlet, in the original Klingon
Jimmy Hoffa's letter opener
Enough gold to feed a family of four for 3 seconds
The fact that my floor is hardwood
And some of those I didn't even make up.
Do neat, well-organized people ever have such joy of discovery? No, I do not think so. How dull and dreary their predictable, pigeonholed lives must be. Sigh.
Next week I tackle the second grid square. One down, 63 to go! Whoohoo! |
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Last time, in "Hoarders Too" , I talked about the value of stuff after it's been hoarded.
Steev the Friction Wizurd  : Your "life cycle" analysis is so very, very true! 
Glad to see someone else has noticed this.
Elfin Dragon-finally published  : It's so funny, you mentioned "snuggies" and I was like, "Hey, I still have my snuggies!" I feel like Leonard on "Big Bang Theory" when he was given his. For some reason I find mine comfy.  I'm sure I have other things which people will wonder why I have. But then it's a part of what makes me, me.
Those things are proof that this society has jumped the shark.
Quick-Quill  : I just helped move my mother. Oh Lord did I say hoarder? She can't let go of things. Did I hear myself say that? I'm learning to do that. Sometimes I need the push my husband gives me and I let go. If not it will sit until he's tired of seeing the box. FOR SALE......... 
Things, apart from their intrinsic value, attach to memory. You go over to someone else's house and see an old movie ticket stub for Avatar, and you're tempted to just throw it away for them. But what you don't know is that going to see that movie was the end of a great day with great company, something that will never happen to them again. It certainly isn't because that was a great movie, because it wasn't.
And that's it for me for this month, and for my series on hoarding. New topic next time. No idea what, but I'm sure I'll come up with something about five minutes before the deadline. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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