 Poetry: November 16, 2005 Issue [#720] |
  Poetry
This week: Edited by: John~Ashen  
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Poetry! It comes in all styles and meanings. Some poems express personal feelings; others demonstrate a particular pattern. Most of us write some combination in between. I'll be offering advice on different styles and pointing out techniques to improve your poems. Enjoy  --John~Ashen |
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Building with Concrete II
Last month, I advised using concrete imagery instead of abstract terms. That advice by itself was too abstract a lesson! So this month I'm going to give an example of how to transform an abstract poem into something more substantial. Lead by example, best foot forward, and all that. Here we go then. Cheerio!
beatrix asked: I thought feelings were abstract. How can you show feelings, relay them as concrete?
Indeed feelings are abstract. Your poem is full of strong emotions that people will definitely want to read, if presented properly. The trick is to find a proper analogy to express the degree of your feelings. I like to follow through on the thought and use whatever pictures are evoked in my head. Then people can envision it, instead of guess at what you mean. Let's use your "Invalid Item" poem and see if we can add some concreteness to its expression:
I miss you when I lay awake.
So, thinking about someone keeps you awake? Picture yourself in bed, unable to sleep, restless. What else happens in the room? You toss and turn, unable to get comfortable, your eyelids unwilling to droop. Maybe other noises around the house intrude, like the place is haunted. Let's use a ghost/haunting analogy, then:
The ghost of you haunts me when I lie awake.
I miss you when know I shouldn't. . .
This is _very_ abstract, so we should try to add an image or action to it. Same exercise: follow the thought and see where it leads you. You're missing someone, but you know you shouldn't. Why shouldn't you? Because you have no right to? Are you being greedy or jealous, scrounging for the scraps of attention which now belong to someone else? Or is the person someplace else and you know they'll be back? Do you not want to face those reasons?
Reasons knock at my window but I won't answer.
I miss you when I'm lost in thought.
I just miss you and I can't help myself.
This bit seems to relay the desperation of how you miss the person. So we should come up with an image that conveys HOW desperate, instead of the weak word "just" which doesn't tell us anything. "I can't help myself" implies that you are left "helpless" right? Let's try to express this while continuing the ghost/haunting theme:
Thoughts of you chain me to this bed,
and I'm helpless to escape your memory.
You're in my dreams and in my heart.
Your captivating spirit invades my every dream,
and my heart is the traitor that let it in.
Can't stay awake for very long.
This line contradicts the idea that you can't get to sleep, so I'm going to take some editorial license and just omit it. 
My mind says no can't do this any more,
but my heart says please just one more time.
one more time, only one more time. . .
then I will leave this behind me once and for all.
So it seems your heart and mind are arguing over how to deal with this. We've been using a ghost/captive theme, so let's see if we can end it along the same lines. And of course, being me, I have to add my own little twist to the end!
I struggle against bonds I don't really want to break,
Shackled to these longings by a sinister jailor --
Not the forceful memory of your presence,
But that spooky part of me that can't let you go.
There, that should do it. Still plenty of "I miss you" hints in there, but now the poem features a scene. People will envision just how badly you miss the person, because it's like being trapped and haunted by ghosts.
That's how you make something "concrete."  Now you might consider a new title, too. Like "Captivity" so that people have to read it to find out that you're captivated by missing someone...
Here are both versions of the poem:
I Miss You
I miss you when I lay awake.
I miss you when know I shouldn't. . .
I miss you when I'm lost in thought.
You're in my dreams and in my heart.
Can't stay awake for very long.
My mind says no can't do this any more,
but my heart says please just one more time.
one more time, only one more time. . .
then I will leave this behind me once and for all.
Captivity
The ghost of you haunts me when I lie awake.
Reasons knock at my window but I won't answer.
Thoughts of you chain me to this bed,
and I'm helpless to escape your memory.
Your captivating spirit invades my every dream,
and my heart is the traitor that let it in.
I struggle against bonds I don't really want to break,
Shackled to these longings by a sinister jailor -
Not the forceful memory of your presence,
But that spooky part of me that can't let you go.
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