 Horror/Scary: November 25, 2015 Issue [#7331] |
  Horror/Scary
This week: DEATH BY TURKEY Edited by: W.D.Wilcox  
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Death By Turkey
Jethro Bonerhead considered himself to be the best hunter in all of North America.
"Yeah, I kilt me plenty of wild turkeys, ma'am, but it don't seem fair to take yer money for such easy prey."
"Oh no, you don't understand," the young lady said, her eyes nearly bugging out of her head. "This is a killer turkey, aggressive, territorial, and bigger than a bear."
"Well, ma'am, now, that's impossible. Turkeys just don't get that big."
"Trust me, this one is huge, bigger than anything you've ever seen, Mr. Bonerhead. Did you know that the wishbone in a turkey can also be found in the skeletal bones of a Tyrannosaurus Rex?"
"Are ya saying, this turkey is as big as a dinosaur?"
"No, no, no, but they may be related in some way."
"All right, if'n you say so, ma'am, but yer gonna have to pay me in advance with a story like that."
"No problem, and please, call me Linda."
"Okay . . . Linda. But you still gotta pay in advance."
"Money is no object, it's already killed three of my cows and my dog."
"Whoa, hold up thar. Are you telling me this turkey is killing cows and dogs?"
"Yes, exactly! I don't feel safe walking my own property. One time, he chased me all the way back to my house."
"That's it, I'm on it," Jethro said, and with that he grabbed his shotgun and headed for the door.
"Wait, wait, that shotgun ain't gonna do the job. You need an elephant gun."
Jethro paused, studying his gun rack, and then grabbed his Sharps' Buffalo Rifle. "This outta do it. Come on, let's go!"
It wasn't long before they arrived at a large open field surrounded by a belt of Hickory trees. Jethro loaded his gun and crept around the clearing.
He didn't think a turkey reporting to be this size would be hard to find, but after circling the field he found nothing but large piles of J-shaped turkey droppings. Female turkeys leave a spiral-shaped dropping, so Jethro knew instinctively that he was on the track of a very big Tom.
As he came back around toward the car, he heard a deep-throated gobble-gobble. There, above him, on a large branch, was a turkey the size of a refrigerator. For a brief moment they looked into each others eyes, and then the bird jumped, flapped its giant wings, and came crashing down on Jethro's head.
Jethro threw his arms up to protect himself, holding his rifle by the butt and the barrel as a shield. The colossal bird smashed down on the weapon and broke it in half.
"Run!" Jethro yelled, and they both took off toward the car.
Now wild turkeys have been known to fly at the speed of 50 MPH, and this one was no different. It flapped its wings stirring up dead leaves and brush, and then took to the air giving chase.
Jethro and Linda made it back inside the car just when the turkey collided with the automobile, rocking the car, and cracking the windshield.
The turkey quickly shook it off, and paced around the car, bobbing its head up and down as it checked out the two humans trapped inside.
"My God," Jethro screamed, "he's taller than the car!"
The bigger-than-life bird flapped its wings again and perched itself on top of the car. The roof creaked and groaned, creating a large divot that forced Jethro and Linda to slump down in their seats.
"Now what are we gonna do?" Linda asked.
Jethro said nothing, but instead leaned heavily on the car horn.
The turkey jumped off the roof and strut its large body back toward the clearing again, bobbing its head in a rhythm similar to a dinosaur walking.
"Let's get out of here before it comes back," Linda pleaded.
"That turkey broke my best rifle," Jethro said. "Plus, you hired me to kill it, and that's what I'm a'gonna do."
Jethro started the car and revved the engine. "Hang on!" he yelled, and then threw it into gear and stomped the accelerator.
The car's rear tires spun-out, searching for traction, and then took-off straight for the turkey.
"Oh, my God," Linda screamed.
The car hopped and bounced over the rough terrain climbing to 60 MPH.
When they hit the back-end of the turkey the front of the car crumbled in on itself, as if they had hit a brick wall. Their momentum carried them over the back of the bird, and then the engine died and left the car in a 45 degree angle on top of the turkey.
Feathers flew in every direction, the radiator popped and hissed, steam shot up from under the bent hood.
Then their was silence.
"You did it!" Linda yelled. "You killed it!"
"Well, there was no way that dumb bird was gonna get the best of me. It took something bigger than any gun to bring it down, but I always get what I'm a'hunting fer."
"Yeah, but you got it, and that's what counts."
"Yes, ma'am, but I'm truly sorry 'bout yer car."
The next day, back at Linda's ranch, a huge turkey, bigger than a cow, could be seen slowly roasting on a rotisserie in the backyard. It was Thanksgiving and half the town showed up to partake of this one of a kind specimen. Jethro got first dibs on his choice of bird, and he settled down with his plate at the honored head of the table.
Halfway through the meal Jethro jumped up clutching his throat and coughing. His face turned blue, as different people tried to help him, and then purple. Finally, he just fell over dead. The coroner said he chocked to death on a turkey bone, and it was a plain and simple case of death by turkey.
Until next time, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, from all your editors at the Horror/Scary Newsletter.
willwilcox
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DEAD LETTERS
LJPC - the tortoise 
I adored your Halloween story, Will! I think it's my favorite of anything you've written. The descriptions and characters were amazingly creepy! I try never to use classic monsters, but your list of how to modernize them and use original ideas was perfect. Great NL! 
~ Laura
Sum1's Home 
Bill,
Thank you for featuring my story, The Gypsy's Prediction in this month's Newsletter. It's nice to think you liked it enough to give it some exposure.
-Jim
From all of us at the Horror/Scary Newsletter, HAPPY THANKSGIVING
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