 Comedy: April 20, 2016 Issue [#7594] |
  Comedy
This week: Good Humor from Bad Writing Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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Hey folks, it's all hip-so-facto! Yup, another hip replacement yields another Comedy Newsletter. Read on if you are brave enough to do so.
Warning, I wouldn't read this if I were you and you were facing body-part replacements soon.  |
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I don’t know, folks, I just pour them out as they drift into the funny bone. However, dealing with bones and their various twisting, pulling and tormenting, whilst a prosthetic hip is introduced to the former arthritic, useless hip, that came with me when I was packaged from that huge stork nest in the sky, takes on a life of its own in the world of can’t we all just get along?
I now have what I consider, a new born hip. However, a little over three years ago, I had another new hip added, making that hip now a toddler. Every mother knows how much time, love and nurturing, goes into keeping an infant happy, secure and well-nourished. Add to that the fact that there is a toddler running around, wanting to do stuff, play, hop, skip, jump, play pool, golf and swim, in order to prevent boredom. Thus, the two hips are on opposing sides of the spectrum. Sometimes I can’t tell whether I’m coming or going -- but the pain makes the decision that I’m staying put.
Trying to cooperate with that which has been operated on before, and then that of just recently, I have detected a sort of sib-hipling rivalry (or is that hip-sibling rivalry?) occurring, since the new addition to the WebWitch-Bone, family.
I have reached the point of the post-parting-hip, blues. That happened about four days following the removal of my original hip. I was being obstinate, pouting and refusing to take part in all of my physical therapy games. One tends to become a little irritated and justly so, after having a leg twisted like a chicken wing, for ease of cutting out the bad to the bone-bones, for replacement. Not to mention all the tanning and waxing done before surgery, so as to be as fine a medical specimen as possible on that special day. I’m a surgeon’s dream patient. Oh, the hip-docracy of it all!
Not to bore you any longer with my “hip-shots,” I will leave you with a really bad snippet, of a really bad story, written by me for a really bad contest. Wait, wait, wait, the contest itself isn’t bad, it’s rather fun. It invites contestants to write intentionally bad stories and make it bad enough to receive the coveted 1  rating.
Check it out, folks: 
As for the aforementioned snippet:
“Now I can write better, because I have a new hip and don’t have to feel bad about myself and think about my crippled-hipness, and drink lots of Lattes trying to awaken my muse. I took it upon myself to take the initiative, or to be proactive, as well as taking charge of my body and myself. I got the surgery done and over with. It is all behind me now, or otherwise beside me on my side, as the spot where the surgery was done, left me quite swollen, as if I were carrying along my very own co-joined twin.”
I bet you just can’t wait to read the entire bad story, eh? 
Until next time--Laugh hard, laugh often!
Did you notice I managed to write this whole newsletter, without using the tired, cliched, phrase ... “Hip-hip hooray?”
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Feedback from my last NL, "Comedy Newsletter (March 23, 2016)"
allenalien 
I'm only half kidding, but make sure they order the part for the correct side. The hip I mean. You don't want to be up on the hoist for seven weeks. Good luck!!
They did! And they even placed a "mark" on the spot to be removed, prior to surgery. Although, if they had try to cut into the wrong hip, they would have hit metal there, too! Now I am double-hipped-bionic! 
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW! Your story about Ruby and the tire mechanics is like a soap opera. You just need a cheating husband and a murder and you'll be ready for prime time! LOL! I'm glad Ruby's feeling better now.
~ Laura
Well, all in all, the hip replacement was a much quicker procedure. It works pretty good, too!  So, Ruby and I are sporting newer tires and ready to have lots more mileage put on us! 
River 
I shouldn't laugh at your expense, but I did. Sorry.This was a great newsletter to read with my morning coffee. I did choke once on the coffee, though.
It sounds like you're going to be having surgery and I hope yours isn't as long as Ruby's was! Seriously, I hope everything goes smoothly for you. Of course, you'll be back and good as new.
Thank you!  All went smoothly, and swiftly with the hip replacement, as opposed to the tire changing drama! 
drjim
As usual, WebWitch, I am speechless as to how Ruby continues to provide you with thousands and thousands of comfortable miles, with hours of enjoyment with scenery eclipsing past while listening to music pumped in via those amazing woofers 'n tweeters 's subwoofers, et al. Alas, those lengthy trips allllll the way UP to the northern abode and alllllll the way DOWN to the southern domicile leaves you completely breathless - each and every time, what with Ruby traversing high mountain ridges or.....endless Great Plains vistas or.....the ancient hills of Appalachia or.... the predictably smooth-sailing of say, I-95. I know, I know. Amazingly, she instinctively knows which 18 wheeler is fast losing consciousness, or which RV desperately lacks several cups of early AM coffee. She instinctively knows when there are speed traps ahead, spots State Police helicopters/planes on patrol long before the human eye/brain can interpret such meaningful, tactical events. Heck, she even can wave that precious, precious EZ Pay/SpeedPass gadget when, in a hurry, one needs to depart the Interstate plaza for greener pastures. Ruby too knows where to look for these amazing back-road restaurants (her sense of smell is AMAZING, ain't it?!?!) and antique stores (did she ever fail to spot Flow Blue Colonial potteries from no less than 50 yards away....through shop windows?! Sheesh!  )
Yes. Its all true. Ruby never once let you down, the Good Lawd be thanked. She kept you safe and sound all these years with that driving acumen that many try to emulate (read: COPY) - but alas, its anyone's guess if they ever measured up to those standards. Heck, that even applies to those select few that never even bothered to obtain a Driver's License!! muwahahahahahaha! (sound of Ruby laughing in the background!)
THANKS for the wonderful NL! Entertaining as always!
Thanks for being there, through tires and hip-replacement, sweet man. Soooooooooo appreciated! 
And, from a previous nl: "Comedy Newsletter (January 27, 2016)" Because I will always commiserate with new smartphone users:
Elfin Dragon-finally published
Don't worry WW, I was right there with you when I first got my smart phone. I wondered where that darn 1 was too.
It was the next biggest hurdle to get over after finally learning how to answer the phone!
Thank you for your feedback, folks! We editors really appreciate it. 
See you next month!
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