 Comedy: May 04, 2016 Issue [#7626] |
  Comedy
This week: Balls Edited by: Waltz Invictus  
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It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-Mark Twain
A lot of people think international relations is like a game of chess. But it's not a game of chess, where people sit quietly, thinking out their strategy, taking their time between moves. It's more like a game of billiards, with a bunch of balls clustered together.
-Madeleine Albright
A person who learns to juggle six balls will be more skilled than the person who never tries to juggle more than three.
-Marilyn vos Savant |
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I'm feeling lazy this week, so I'm turning this editorial over to Socks the cat.
Greetings, hairless apes. First things first: My name is not actually Socks. That is the appellation forced upon me by my servants. They do not know my actual name. Neither will you.
You primates and your opposable thumbs. Good for feeding me, I will admit, but that's about it. You used these prehensile appendages to invent the red laser, which is the bane of my existence. No matter how much I know that I will never, can never catch the red dot, something about it overcomes my sensibilities to the point where I must chase the ephemeral light.
And you think you are so smart, inventing such a monstrous device. But I know you. There is one thing that is, to you, what the laser dot is to me and my kind. And that thing is balls.
You do love your balls, don't you, humans? Golf balls, tennis balls, beach balls, bouncy rubber balls. Balls. When you're not using your freakish fingers to invent torments for your feline overlords, you're using them to play with your stupid balls.
Take this month, for example. May. It's sportsball season, isn't it? I know this, because every day is sportsball season to you. If you can't play with your balls yourself, you stare enraptured at the glowy screen thing, watching other humans play with their balls.
Every sports person has balls. Well, except for badminton players, who only have half balls with feathers attached. Mmm, feathers. Now that, I can understand. You should have more sports with feathers. Also maybe hockey and frisbee players. But a hockey puck is really just a flattened ball, and a frisbee is more suited to our lesser cousins, the canines.
And you just can't stop your fascination with balls, can you? From football and rugby (whose balls, I will admit, are at least shaped more interestingly than that of other sports) to basketball to baseball, all you ever do is play with balls or watch other people play with balls. And if you don't have the ball, you want it, and you've invented rules for how to finally get possession of the balls.
This obsession doesn't stop with sports, either. You use them as metaphors for everything from home life to business. If you've got a busy life, you have several balls in the air. If you make a mistake in the office, you've dropped the ball. If you're waiting for someone else to make a decision, the ball is in their court.
So, being an aficionado of the chasing of the red dot, I can understand the addiction that balls represent.
But really...
Did you have to take mine, too? |
Socks recommends the following animal-related reading material for your amusement:
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