 Comedy: October 19, 2016 Issue [#7921] |
  Comedy
This week: Following Instructions Edited by: Waltz Invictus  
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It is essential to seek out enemy agents who have come to conduct espionage against you and to bribe them to serve you. Give them instructions and care for them. Thus doubled agents are recruited and used.
-Sun Tzu
When an actor plays a scene exactly the way a director orders, it isn't acting. It's following instructions. Anyone with the physical qualifications can do that.
-James Dean
I've left specific instructions that I do not want to be brought back during a Republican administration.
-Timothy Leary
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Most of us are on writing.com to write, and to read. But some of us - I have no idea how many - are here to hone our skills in hopes of one day getting published.
I'm not here to talk about writing skills, though. Those can be learned. What seems to escape a lot of people, though, that is even more essential to getting our work out there, is the ability to follow instructions. There's a lot of crap out there, published. Some of that is a subjective assessment, sure, but when I compare it to some of the stuff I see on here, largely amateur efforts, I'm amazed more of us haven't been published.
I've noticed that, often, the most creative people are the ones who can't seem to follow instructions. I have no idea what goes on in the minds of creative people, because I'm usually not one, but it seems to be correlated with an intense hatred of mathematics. Mathematics, of course, is a lot of instruction-following, and there's generally only one right answer (or one set of right answers, if I'm going to be precise). I think maybe creative people hate that.
And you know what? That's okay. I'm not here to criticize what you are. Not everyone can be awesome at everything, the way I am. The essence of creativity seems to me - an outsider - to be a willingness to break the rules. And man, some of the results are outstanding, and have changed the world. So no, I wouldn't want that to go away.
However...
I've tried getting published. It's a grind. I haven't been successful yet, and my failures have, as usual, caused me to stop trying, at least for now. But one thing I've learned from the process is that publishers are very, very picky.
What I'm saying is, it's not enough to have the greatest novel in the world written and ready to go. It's not even enough to have a knack for self-promotion, which is also something I lack (hey, if you can't see how great I am, I don't have the time to try to change your mind. Come to think of it, that's probably why I'm single, too.)
No, you also have to follow the seemingly-arbitrary rules the publisher laid out for submitting one's manuscript, or it automatically goes in the recycle bin. Or trash can, if they're using Apple computers or still accepting paper MSs.
These instructions - I'm too lazy to look up examples - often include things like font, size, spacing, and other formatting issues; the formatting of one's cover letter and author information; and - neither more nor less important - making sure you don't send, say, a romantic comedy to a fantasy publisher (unless, of course, you've written a love story between a dragon and a vampire, and even then, make sure they don't say "NO VAMPIRES.")
So yeah, it's great to break the rules when writing - if you know what you're doing - but it's important to remember that if you don't follow instructions, your stuff isn't even going to get a first look. A publisher might require a Word document, and if you send a pdf or, horrors, an actual printed MS, it won't matter if you've got the next Harry Potter on your hands; they'll never know because you didn't follow instructions.
Incidentally, this applies to contests here on WDC, too. While some judges are more forgiving than others, when in doubt, follow the dang instructions.
So here it is, my own little "Following Instructions for Dummies" guide (note: I'm not calling anyone a dummy - it's the title of a well-known how-to series of books)
1. Read the instructions carefully.
2. Make sure you understand the instructions.
2a. Ask questions of the appropriate people if you don't understand the instructions.
3. Follow the instructions.
...and that's it. Really.
I once heard a possibly apocryphal tale about a final exam at a major university. The professor prefaced the exam with:
BE SURE TO READ EVERY QUESTION BEFORE BEGINNING THE EXAM.
There followed several exam-type questions, and a lot of students started sweating bullets because they were still working on the exam while some of their classmates started turning it in.
The very last question on the exam was something like, "Do not answer any of the questions on this exam. Turn it in. You're done. You know how to follow instructions. Congratulations."
If the students had only followed that first, all-important instruction...
Well, to be honest, there are times to not follow instructions. You just have to learn to figure out when these times are. For instance, if anyone gives you instructions on how to write comedy, you're going to end up with pie on your face. Which, of course, is hilarious, so beware of comedy writers giving you instructions. |
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Last time, in "Undesirables" , I talked about my desire to be the neighborhood bogeyman. (Cue up "Boogie Man" by KC and the Sunshine Band)
Elfin Dragon-finally published  : I have a suggestion for your musical blasting choice. That is if you're into that sort of thing. A group called Tartanic, Bagpipes and Drums. If that doesn't scar away the kids, I don't know what will 
I have three unassailable musical rules in my house:
1. No Bieber.
2. No mizmar .
3. ABSOLUTELY no bagpipes.
Also, I left your Freudian typo, "scar," in place, because it's funny and this is the Comedy newsletter.
Quick-Quill  : I read this at first with a serious interest, as it progressed I began laugh and the laugh turned to a belly gulper! I had to stop as I was at work in a mall and that might lead to security being called. We've already had one drama Queen this week no need to advertise. Keep up the wonderful writing. I should really write about the wonderful strange neighbors that lived next to me on a Hill in S. Pasadena in the mid 50's....look for it
I'm never sure if people are laughing at my jokes, or at my misfortune. Oh, well. Glad to help! 
RICH : If the neighbors have not asked for a cup o' sugar yet, not borrowed any item, and you do not know their names - keep it up, you are doing fine.
If they do ask to borrow a cup of sugar, I'll pull from the Splenda jar. Mine is an evil laugh!
An apple a day....  : Hilarious post. You should read A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman.
Not my usual literary genre, but I see they're making a movie out of it, and I'm lazy.
Well, that's it for me for October. Happy Halloween, and until next time...
LAUGH ON!!! |
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