 Comedy: November 16, 2016 Issue [#7973] |
  Comedy
This week: It's Over! Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
― Gore Vidal
Elections belong to the people. It's their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters.
― Abraham Lincoln
When one with honeyed words but evil mind
Persuades the mob, great woes befall the state.
― Euripides |
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It's over.
Finally.
The run-up to this year's election here in the US has been even worse than Christmas creep - that pernicious effect where Santa Claus starts showing up earlier and earlier in the year, until finally, he starts hawking wares in mid-January. If there was any good at all to come from this election season, it was that if Christmas hit the stores early this year, I didn't notice it because I was too busy being sick and tired of listening to candidates, idiots, and idiot candidates exercising their right to free speech.
But finally, it's over, though by running this editorial, I'm only making things worse. I know. I'm a troll.
Still, here are some tips for you, so that we can all get back to actual life. With apologies to our international readers, this one's going to be a bit US-centric, though you might at least find humor in our predicament:
1) If you have an election sign in your yard, or a bumper sticker on your car: Remove it or cover it immediately. I don't care whose name is on it. At this point, you're either gloating or whining, neither of which is an attractive quality. I keep driving down the road and getting stuck behind giant pickup trucks with "McCain/Palin" or tiny hybrids with "Obama '08" stickers. Guys, that was eight years ago, now. Get over it. It's true that simply removing a sticker sometimes leaves an unsightly mark on your beloved vehicle, but trust me, leaving your sticker on it is even more unsightly. Cover it with a different sticker if that's a problem. Here's some ideas; some might be mildly offensive, but no more offensive than something from an election that's over: http://www.cafepress.com/+funny+bumper-stickers
2) Stop getting into fights with the other side. Again, I don't care who you were for; you're either a sore loser or a lousy winner. The time for making your voice heard in the election is long past; that ship done sailed. Half of you didn't even bother to vote, anyway. Say your piece, peacefully, and move on; that's what this country's supposed to be about. Those of you rioting are making one side look bad; those of you taunting are making the other side look bad. Grow the hell up.
3) In two years, there's another national election. Yes. two years. And possibly in just one year for local positions, depending on where you are. Stop whining or gloating and do something about that. Voting for local and state-level positions is way more important than voting for president, even if the latter gets more airtime. You want to change the world? Start in your backyard. You want things to stay the same? Then don't blame the other guys for leaving you behind if you don't bother to get off your behind and vote.
4) STFU about the Electoral College. It's the way we do things around here. I guarantee you the moment we change it, you'll regret it. That's the way these things always go. (Okay, I don't mean *literally* to shut up; this is still America, for now. Just that arguing about it is going to be counter-productive, so maybe find a different hobby.)
5) I'm not going to be one of those people that tells you that if you didn't vote, you've no right to complain. Of course you have a right to complain. But keep in mind that each major Presidential candidate received votes from about 1/4 of the eligible population. Nearly half the country couldn't be arsed to get out of bed that day. And having better things to do that day is no damn excuse when there's early voting and absentee voting available. 25% is not a "clear mandate from the American people." It's bloody preposterous in what's supposed to be the world's foremost democracy, but clearly is not.
6) All y'all need to start listening to what the other side is actually saying instead of just demonizing them with strawmen and caricatures. I've seen enough of that from all sides of the political spectrum to last me a lifetime. You can't claim to love America and hate half the people in it. Or, well, you can; see above about the First Amendment. But it makes you look like a douche.
And that's the end of my bit for this year's election. Now I'm going to go hide until they take down all the Christmas decorations. And maybe until it warms up again. Or, hell, maybe I'll move to Belize. But if I do, it won't be because I'm a sore loser; it'll be because Belize is really warm, and last time I was there, I didn't see any shopping malls. |
Just some humor to brighten up your November:
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I do not have a Math brain and I've always been an inherent rule breaker. Those do not help me out when I'm trying to submit my works out there. 
