 Comedy: January 11, 2017 Issue [#8073] |
  Comedy
This week: Never Say Diet Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
-Dave Attell
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
-Louis C. K.
The only way you get that fat off is to eat less and exercise more.
-Jack LaLanne |
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For ages, it's been observed that the only sure things in life are death and taxes.
I'm going to add three more:
1) People make New Year's Resolutions;
2) By the time you read this, you've probably broken your New Year's Resolutions;
3) There will always exist a massive machine that churns out diet advice in early January to guilt people into making New Year's Resolutions.
Well, I'm not part of that massive machine. If anything, I'm going to try to fix it. That, of course, makes me a massive tool.
This year, I'd just like to focus on what may be - nay, what is - the worst diet advice I've ever seen, which is:
Don't put anything in your body that you can't pronounce.
...
...
Seriously? That's your diet advice?
Let's see, now. There's this trendy food called "quinoa." When you first read about it, don't you think you're going to pronounce it "kwin-oh-ah?" Well, that would be wrong, and since you can't pronounce it, you shouldn't eat it. Oh, but some smug and well-meaning individual gently corrected you: "It's pronounced 'keen-wah'."
Oh, so you *can* learn the correct pronunciations of things.
Do you know how to pronounce "pho?" (Hint: don't ever tell your kid you're in a "pho queue," or you'll be getting calls from teachers). Or what about "haricots verts?"
Well, guess what - you are obviously smarter than the rest of us, so I'll bet you can also pronounce "polyglycerol polyricinoleate." (That's an emulsifier used in chocolate production, by the way. It's derived from plant sources. It's mostly harmless.)
How about "feruloylquinic acid" - surely that's dangerous. Not only is it unpronounceable, but it has the word ACID in it!
Nope, tricked you - that's a substance found in kale. Not kale that's been sprayed with pesticides or whatever; just one of the chemical compounds lurking naturally in everyone's favorite disgusting green vegetable. Yes, chemicals. Everything is made of chemicals. Everything. You, your car, the ground, quinoa. Even the very air you breathe is 99.07% chemicals!
| Yes, I'm taking some liberties here by calling all molecules "chemicals." This is the Comedy newsletter, not the Chemistry newsletter. |
So this is my diet advice: Don't take "unpronounceability" advice. It encourages ignorance. We don't want to encourage ignorance; that's how we get preachers and politicians. No, instead, take the time to learn how to pronounce things, and maybe even find out what they mean. Are some things with complicated-sounding names bad for you? Yeah, probably. But you don't know unless you learn stuff.
Which brings me to another diet catchphrase that chaps my buttocks: "Eat natural foods."
Natural?
What the hell is natural? Poison ivy is natural. Tobacco is natural. Hemlock is natural.
Or, more to the point, what the hell isn't natural?
I'll tell you what isn't natural. Worrying about your damn diet every January isn't natural. Go out and shovel some snow and eat whatever the hell you want. Forget your resolutions, learn to enjoy life while you've got it, because no matter what you eat or how much you exercise, you stand exactly the same chance of getting hit by a stray meteor as everyone else does.
Stop worrying. |
Just some funnies for the new year:
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Last time, in "The War is Here" , I groused about the War on Christmas.
Detective  : I enjoy the holidays in general and I often prefer to say happy holidays as it kinda encompasses all of the holidays around this time , especially if I don't know which holiday they celebrate though if someone wishes me a Merry Christmas I'll wish them one back. That usually makes it simpler. I work at a supermarket so I'm used to people getting extra grouchy around the holidays and forgetting that just cause Christmas is a major holiday this time of the year it's not the only one. So I understand where you're coming from with the stupid grouchiness of a bunch of grinches.
You work in a supermarket? Good thing you read this newsletter.
River : Yep, I've given up on peace on earth goodwill toward men, too. I don't care what people celebrate as long as they celebrate something.
When I was growing up, my dad advised me to never talk about religion, politics, or money because I would have no friends!
Happy Whatever and have a good Hibernation!
River
I usually lead with religion, politics, or money. I just wanna be left alone.
the Wordy Jay  : Aha, reverse psychology?! Do tell if it worked! 
Huh... I hadn't thought about that angle.
Quick-Quill  : In this day and age, everyone has take the roads of confrontation for communication. Why can't people talk? there seems to be the assumption that any comment needs to be argued. Could it be there isn't much out there to listen to? How about picking up a book or two and reading? Then find someone who has read the same book or author and discuss it? Let's read and write more!
But... but that would make my smartphone feel all left out 
So that's it for me for January. Hope you all have a great year! Until next month,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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