 Spiritual: March 29, 2017 Issue [#8200] |
  Spiritual
This week: What to say, to help Edited by: THANKFUL SONALI RIP BIKERIDER  
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I saw this poll,
and thought --
hey, this seems to be a universal problem!
So I'm putting in my two bits' worth.
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Dear Reader,
Something that seems to baffle us all is -- what to say, when a friend or loved one is going through hard times ... and something that seems to irritate many of us -- is when the wrong thing gets said!
I saw Prosperous Snow celebrating  's poll (linked in the 'about' section above), and thought I'd try putting down my personal viewpoint. I've been through my Mom's death, a dozen surgeries and Dad's (fortunately minor) health issues, and have had lots of people trying to comfort me in lots of ways. So I'm just sharing some thoughts, gleaned from personal experience. Of course, each one's experiences and reactions are different, so what I say might or might not be valid for you!
The way I see it is, there are two points of view here:
1. The point of view of the person going through the problem.
2. The point of view of the friend, whose intentions are to say something to help and comfort.
To the person going through the problem, I'd say -- whatever the other person might utter, remember, their intentions are to help. Go past the words to the intentions, and let it comfort you that someone is trying to offer support. (Not easy, but better than getting annoyed!)
When I was going through post traumatic stress disorder after a dozen surgeries, my Dad had a trip out of town planned with his friends. Usually, I'm happy when he travels with his friends. However, since I wasn't in a great frame of mind, he decided to cancel this particular trip. My Doctor chided me for that, saying I hadn't let him go. Her remarks rankled for a bit, till I told myself that she was trying to help me by saying I'm strong enough to handle Dad's travelling.
I once told Mom's colleague that I'd cried, after Mom passed away. She said, "Oh, you are her daughter, you should be strong, never let me hear that you cried again." I thought, 'Okay, you won't hear of it! I'll cry, but won't make the mistake of telling you!' I was annoyed. But what she was saying was that I had a strong mother, and was lucky to have had her in my life. Had I been able to see it that way, I might've calmed down.
A friend of mine isn't sure whether she believes in God or not, and gets a little touchy when people make references to God sending her a problem or a solution. I wonder if she could look past this, and just understand that what they're really saying is that she'll overcome her troubles!
To the person who is trying to help, I'd offer this:
Sometimes, you need to listen, or to share in silence. Decide whether words are needed or not, and if they're not, don't use them. It is quite amazing what silent strength does, in a traumatic situation.
When my Mom died, I hadn't met her new boss or his wife. They came over, and the lady just sat with me till my family arrived across cities. She didn't say a word, she just sat there. And it was comforting. Just her sheer presence was comforting.
If you feel you would like to say something, ask yourself -- have I been through something similar, and therefore, can I help in a practical way? It helped me when friends told me I wasn't alone, handling grief after Mom's death or post-traumatic stress disorder after my dozen surgeries. They gave me simple tips, like when I said I had trouble falling asleep, many friends advised me to chant something repeatedly, after I got in to bed. It didn't matter what I chanted, it just had to be something said over and over again. It helped!
If you have not been through something similar, you might want to hold back the advice. (Unless you're professionally qualified to give it, which I'm not dealing with in this newsletter.) Instead, offer a listening ear, "If you need to talk, I'm here" or a general offer of help, "I know it's tough for you, what can I do to help?" (And make sure you really mean it and you follow through, before you say it!) One of the most bugging things I faced during my eye surgeries was well-meaning folks telling me which Doctor I should go to, when they haven't had eye problems themselves.
The other thing you must remember is -- generic sayings need to be used judiciously. All the sayings in Prosperous Snow celebrating 's poll have the tendency to come out as annoying because they are too pat, and used in any situation. (Not that those haven't actually comforted me sometimes, they have! Which is why I say, 'used judiciously'.)
One of the MOST important things I've learned is:
Never belittle or accuse someone going through something.
It is NOT comforting to be told: 'Oh, my brother-in-law had eye surgery and recovered in five days, why are you still in bed?' The said brother-in-law had a simple cataract operation, mine was detachment of retina with complications --- and I don't feel like explaining all that to someone when I'm lying flat on my face on Doctor's orders, and using forty-eight eye drops a day! (Yep, forty-eight.)
After Mom died, a friend -- who hadn't found out till a month later -- visited us. He kept saying, 'You didn't tell me" till even my Dad got annoyed. What he meant was: "I'm sorry I didn't find out and come to visit earlier" -- but it came out as an accusation, and wasn't welcome.
A comment on Facebook, when this newsletter was highlighted there:
Wanda Stratton Huntley : Don't judge and try to fix anything.
Yes, Wanda -- people often don't want 'solutions', they'd rather you understood them and empathised with what they are going through. Thanks for the insight!
I guess what it boils down to is EMPATHY and RESPECT.
If what you say passes these two tests, then yeah, you could say it.
Otherwise, really, a listening ear, a sympathetic nod and a hug might work better than words.
Thanks for listening! 
Sonali
PS: Thanks April Ivy, for this comment on Facebook : Listen, don't talk
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Thanks for the responses to "Spiritual Newsletter (November 9, 2016)" !
Shannon  What a great NL, Sonali! You share many wonderful ideas here. Thank you. 
sdv413 Very good. There were a lot of good insights at your event. I enjoyed reading this letter. Steve
Elfin Dragon-finally published  Soulmates- you picked an interesting topic. Though now gone, I'm still of the firm belief that my now current ex and I held that bond often considered soulmates. We worked together, figured things out, never argued (yes I said never) because we weren't afraid of talking. For me the definition of a soulmate begins with the foundation of friendship then love, then other things.
she Life faith lights up! Soulmates into the body and mind This is absolute, vibrant boost, like driving you to escort your life, you will not give up self. Life fuel forever, very popular with, it appeared, you naturally inspire life is good.
ember_rain Soulmate there are two kinds of soulmates. The first are people in your life around you. Your parent's siblings friends and yes even people you connect with here on WDC. Anyone who comes into your life for any period of time at all is probably a soulmate. Mate-friend. We reincarnate with them over and over until whatever karmic lesson we need to learn has been learned or we can honestly let them go. There are a few souls I don't expect to see in my next life because I honestly just don't care anymore. Once you become ambivalent they can no longer teach you anything.
The second type is your split-apart. It is what Socrates was talking about. It is literally the other half of your soul. Can that be your best friend? Sure but they can be anything to you in any given lifetime. The key is that they will always be there to love or hate you no matter what. You can't get rid of them. Be as ambivalent as you like, they will be there in your next life. I married my split apart. You know that old saying about if you do what you love you will never work a day in your life? Well, it doesn't apply to marriage. It's work period. It's harder with your split apart. You are entirely too much alike but too different at the same time. You can argue over something just to have someone say, "You're both saying the same thing just in different ways and that argument can go on for weeks until someone points it out. You have to be made of some stern stuff to actually marry your soul's mirror image. But, you're more likely to stick together.
I also disagree with the idea we all have to have our crap together on our own before we get married. I got married at 18 and my baggage was scattered so far and wide I didn't even know if half of it was mine or not. My split apart helped me sort through mine while I helped him sort through his. We could, we already knew what to expect from our other self. If you wait until your ready you will be waiting, but we help carry each other's baggage quiet well. The load isn't nearly as heavy.
Received on Facebook, in answer to the question: Soulmates: do they exist?
Adriana Zárate-Gryschuk : I only know that I have found it.
Leanne Hall : Yes they do. My husband and I met at 17 and 18. 48 years later, still together. Not saying it's been easy to stay together but underneath it all we are definitely soulmates.
Wanda Stratton Huntley : Yes. One of life's greatest gifts.
You just KNOW/GET one another more than anyone else on the planet.
Never to be taken for granted.
Zed Williams : The perception that we are each seperate, disconnected individuals is purely a physical one. we are all spiritually connected, therefore, we are all soul mates.
Tammy Ryan : Yes they do otherwise happiness will be very hard to have if soulmates did not exist.
Julie Anne Gordon Crawford : Yes
Susan Tucker : Yes,they do.
Tilly Gokbudak : Nope.... 
Susan Speranza : Not for me. |
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