 Comedy: October 18, 2017 Issue [#8555] |
  Comedy
This week: Cooking with Comedy Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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If you're not the one cooking, stay out of the way and compliment the chef.
-Michael Strahan
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
-Phyllis Diller
Usually, one's cooking is better than one thinks it is.
-Julia Child |
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In an effort to be healthier, I've been trying to eat better.
Mind you, the only way I could have eaten worse would be to visit a Midwestern state fair and partake of such delicacies as deep-fried Twinkies, deep-fried butter, and deep-fried rendered pork fat.
This was not out of some deep-seated death wish, but for the same reason I do anything: I'm lazy. Convenience is the key to my very existence, and I crave instant gratification.
I've been advised all my life, you see, that people only appreciate things that they have to work hard for. I can only assume everyone meant "other people," because the things that I've worked hard for have turned out not to be worth it. Never picked up my college diploma, for example. Dropped my engineering license as soon as I didn't need it anymore. That sort of thing. Meanwhile, my life is full of stuff that I got for free, and cherish all the more because of that.
Therefore, delivery pizza was (and probably will be again) my go-to option. I'd wonder what I was going to eat next, and then, when my stomach started telling me it needed filling, I'd go online and order a pizza. Then I'd wait, getting hungrier by the second, until, when it finally arrived, I was ready to eat the box it came in.
But, you know, eventually I figured something had to change. If I select what I eat, it'll always be the wrong thing. "Oh, I'll just pick up a baguette and a pound of cheese, and have that for dinner." "Hey, that beef pot pie looks good." "Oooh, a four-serving size of spaghetti with meatballs! I'll pick up two of them for lunch." But planning meals, in addition to actually preparing them (and shopping, and cleaning) seemed a daunting task, a time-consuming activity that would cut into my video-game time.
Then I found a thing online that selects meals at random and populates a grocery list. There's even an option to stick to "easy-to-prepare" meals. And they even include - gasp - fruits and vegetables!
The problem? I've been eating crap for so long that the portions seem tiny to me. "1 oz of chicken breast, three grains of salt, and a few flakes of pepper," sort of thing. "Two tablespoons of yogurt and a raspberry." Okay, I'm exaggerating, but the amount of time to prepare these "easy" meals is still way more than the amount of time I spend actually eating them.
There is, of course, one exception: when there's a tortilla wrap involved. Then it's like "Cook two whole chickens, five red peppers, three onions. Roll into one 6" tortilla and serve."
Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating again. Still, I have yet to find anything involving tortillas where the filling actually fits within the wrap.
Could be worse, though. Saw a recipe for microwave baked potato once that was like, "Scrub potato and prick with fork." It was bad enough to figure out why I should be scrubbing a potato with a fork; as for the rest, well, if that's what it takes to cook a potato, I'd rather have the deep-fried Twinkies.
Anyway, somehow, in spite of the unconscionable amount of work involved, I've been mostly sticking to the meal plan. Now all I have to do is convince myself to exercise more than once every six months. That's assuming I don't give up and order a stack of pizzas tomorrow.
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