 Drama: December 27, 2017 Issue [#8655] |
  Drama
This week: Tag On Its Edited by: THANKFUL SONALI back on Jan 4  
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Everything is about someone. The question is, whom is it about?
Answering that question gives you your protagonist. And your antagonist. And your plot. And your dialogue. And your climax. And your denouement. In short, everything.
Whom it's about gives you everything.
Oh, and, I like the title TAG ON ITS. It sounds sorta like protagonist, antagonist ... so I'm guessing I coined this phrase to mean this. |
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Dear Reader,
Lately, I've been struggling with some of my social interactions. As I confide in friends about this and we converse, I realise they're struggling, too. Trying to analyse these conversations brings me to one conclusion: Everything is about whom it's about.
Um.
Let me explain that a bit.
Example #1:
My friend's husband is (touch wood) doing very well in his career. He is getting invited, on work, to various prestigious locations in India and abroad.
The thing is, he has some health issues which are minor now, but which he needs to take care of.
He doesn't.
My friend is at her wits' end about this and keeps asking, "How can someone who is so good at fixing up work appointments forget to fix his Yoga appointment for six weeks?"
As can be expected, she winds up fixing the Yoga appointments for him. "I have no choice," she laments. "If his back gives out, he'll be in real trouble."
I was trying to help her cope with her frustration. Now, I'm not professionally qualified in any way to do this, I'm just a friend who doesn't like to see her friend lose sleep, peace of mind and hair about something.
So I told her she did have a choice. Many choices, actually. And we had to make this be about HER and about HER choices (as opposed to about HIM and about HIS supposed lack of ability to fix Yoga appointments).
So she's the protagonist at this point, and is making a choice. Stay with her husband, OR leave? (Choice - stay). Given that choice - let him be OR fix his Yoga appointments? (Choice - fix the appointments.)
That's two choices right there, with the implication of multiple choices within each.
It being about her and her choices, she need not feel resentful of the task she is having to do. It's not about his ability at work v/s his inability to take care of his own health. He isn't the protagonist here, she is. It's about the situation she finds herself in, and how she chooses to respond to it.
The analogy I make in my head is that of a cloud. The cloud has been giving rain for days now, without stopping. One doesn't question what the cloud can or can't discern, or why it didn't give the rain when it was needed last summer. One gets on with what one has to do, in the wet weather. It's not about the cloud, it's about you and your responses to the rain.
Example #2:
I was engaged to a guy, a long time ago, and he broke it off under pressure from his mother. Ours had been an 'arranged' engagement, with her full consent, but she changed her mind about wanting me in her family when she realised how much of his time her son spent with me. I was told, by the people who had introduced our families to each other, that he cried for a couple of weeks after breaking off with me.
It took me a while to get over it, I can tell you. What I finally realised was -- this was NOT about me. I wasn't a player in this scenario at all. He didn't break it off because I wasn't pretty enough or good enough or whatever enough. It wasn't about me. It was about his mother's insecurities and his inability to stand up to her. Maybe he was the protagonist and his mother was the antagonist. Whichever way, I was well out of it!
Example #3:
This is the interaction I talked about in the beginning, that set me thinking.
My neighbour and I used to go for evening walks together, till I stopped wanting her company. The reason I didn't want her company any more was that it was becoming nerve-racking, to go walking with her.
The thing, is, when my Dad is out of town, I don't like to announce to the neighbourhood that I'm alone at home, for security reasons.
She didn't respect that, and would loudly say things like: "How are you managing, all by yourself? When is Dad back?" If I didn't tell her he was going, she would say something like, "I saw your Dad with a suitcase, is he travelling somewhere?"
Repeated requests not to mention this loudly in the middle of the street were ignored.
This is a woman who spills her deepest confidences to me and expects me to keep them to myself.
I finally decided it's not about her, it's about me, my need for security.
I cannot fathom what's going on in her head -- whether she's slow to understand, whether she's insensitive to anyone's secrets but her own -- whatever. All I know is, I cannot have my safety compromised in trying to keep this friendship going. Yes, she's having a hard time with her husband, but in trying to help her with that I'm not going to allow her to jeopardize something that is this important to me.
Example #4
My Dad, now eighty-two years old, is one of the most lovable, gregarious people ever. At any gathering, he's the life of the party.
The thing is -- my Dad isn't too savvy on words which have double-meanings. (You know, like the other word for 'rooster',  which, in slang, is a naughty word.)
So when he's narrating his anecdotes or regaling everyone with his jokes, his conversation is peppered with ...  situations for me.
Except that it's not about me!
I'm not the protagonist here. Dad is!
To tell you the truth, this hasn't sunk in yet. I still blush, the time we're together, and he talks about an advertising film he once did where his co-star was his -- ahem -- rooster.
DON'T LAUGH! Meanies!! It's embarrassing. You're laughing because it's not about you!
And you're right. I can laugh  because it isn't about me, either. It's about Dad and the people he's narrating the anecdote to.
Um.
To get back to what we were saying (stop laughing, already!  )
Whom is it about?
I've given four examples, above, here's what I think each one represents:
Example #1. The tag-on-its are together, and it's about HER (only)
Example #2. The tag-on-its are not together, and it's about the OTHER (only)
Example #3. the tag-on-its are not together and it's about ME (only)
Example #4. The tag-on-its are together, and it's about the OTHER (the jury's still out on whether it's actually about both).
Take a moment (each!) to reflect on how the conflict / plot / dialogues / climax / denouement would unfold.
NOW ...
Mix it up.
In Example #1, about my friend and her husband who doesn't fix his own Yoga appointments, make it about him. He hasn't learnt to do things for himself. His Mom always did these things for him, now he expects the wife to play the role of the Mom. He just doesn't care about his own health, his career is priority.
In Example #2, about my broken engagement, make it about me. Maybe I ought to learn to keep house, so that the next guy's Mom won't think my Mom didn't train me to do anything. Maybe I ought to learn to wear a saree, so that I can be dressed the way they want me to dress. Maybe I should learn to talk in a softer, more ladylike voice.
In Example #3, about my neighbour, make it about her. Poor thing, she's having a hard time, I should be more understanding of her needs. She has to cook and keep house for a bad-tempered, ungrateful man, she needs my shoulder to lean on.
In Example #4, about my Dad and his -- rooster -- oh, stop laughing.
So, did you see how everything changes, depending on whom it's about?
Who has the TAG ON ITS back, that's what.
Thanks for applauding! listening!  HINT
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Thank you for the responses to "A Tryst with Empathy" !
gingerlyme
Great newsletter topic! If it were MY birthday, I would have felt the same way you did about it, but I think it shows empathy that you were later able to consider your friend's motivations.
Elfin Dragon-finally published 
You asked the reader to "feel" something with regards to the purchase of the epilator. For me it was shocked humor and then I couldn't stop laughing. No offense towards you or your friend. I'm just one of those people who often see the humor in things gone awry. If it were given to me, I most likely would have either kept it or asked if she minded if I exchanged the gift. It's strange. If I hadn't become a writer, I might have become a comedian. 
Quick-Quill 
This was interesting.When writing our character this is a great example. Its so true about real people. My guess is when you try to reciprocate she will understand first hand your feelings. I think it would be a good idea. This makes a great conflict in a Drama. What if one character is your friend who wants people to understand her "fixing"them, then along comes the man of her dreams (she thinks) and he tries to "fix" her. I've been watching Hallmark movies and there is a lot of this drama going around.
Fallser 
Wow. What a great newsletter item/essay on drama! Of course there is drama there. Your sharing this is inspiring. Thank you.
Christopher Roy Denton 
After all that drama, I hope that the book your friend gave you was a great one. Interesting exploration of empathy.
(It was the illustrated edition of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and I love it!)
HWinB.C.
LOL, you invoked feelings, like OMG. I got one for Christmas one year and decided it had originally been designed for torture. It was hard for me to appreciate the gift, but had to play it out, until it destroyed my house shoe.
I think empathy is a hard emotion in writing. Like love, people have different definitions for empathy. Most respond, "I have empathy because I care". So, the questions that remained for me is, "Does felt empathy invoke action? and does the action require no gratitude to divorce us from doing it in vain. Good Newsletter! HWinB.C.
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Nancy Snell As I raised my daughter I often admonished her with, "How would you feel if they did that to you?" I am an empath. |
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