 Spiritual: January 17, 2018 Issue [#8702] |
  Spiritual
This week: Why Won't You Forgive Me? Edited by: Shannon  
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Welcome to the Spiritual Newsletter. My name is Shannon and I'm your editor this week. |
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"You have a right to feel your feelings. All of them. You have a right to not forgive someone or something that’s hurt you. Whatever you feel about that right now is okay. Your healing process is your own and you don’t have to be anywhere other than where you are. You are not responsible for making anyone else feel comfortable by feeling something other than what you feel. You get to have your experience." ~ Annie Wright, Marriage and Family Therapist
Last month we talked about apologizing. This week I'd like to talk about forgiveness.
In the book Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts Dr. Harriet Lerner disagrees with the groupthink many therapists perpetuate that behooves clients to forgive someone who has wronged them. She says it is completely up to each individual whether or not and how much to forgive. In one example, she was counseling a married couple in which the husband had cheated on his wife. Doctor Lerner asked the wife (after several therapy sessions) how much she had forgiven her cheating husband. The wife, who had decided to stay in the marriage and try to make it work, thought about it at length before finally saying, "Eighty percent."
This situation (a person apologizing and not being forgiven) has recently played out with a couple of my coworkers. Several months ago they got into a disagreement at work about one not doing her fair share. The accused (we'll call her coworker #1) was immediately defensive, offended, and accused her accuser (coworker #2) of being emotionally unstable and overly sensitive. Two days later coworker #2 sent a text apology. It was a heartfelt, genuine apology in which she stated how much she respected coworker #1 and enjoyed working with her. She apologized for implying coworker #1 was lazy and agreed that she was indeed overly sensitive and emotional lately, to which the accused stated she'd spoken to our supervisor and any further discussion about her work ethic would henceforth take place with the supervisor present. She would never discuss anything with coworker #2 on a one-on-one basis again. She did not forgive her, and other than responding with a cursory "Good morning" in response to an a.m. greeting from the accuser, will not speak to her to this day.
On Thursday of last week, coworker #2, in tears, said to me, "I've never offered such a heartfelt, genuine apology to someone and not been forgiven!" She was distraught and didn't know what to do to make things better, to which I said, "Nothing. You've apologized. She has chosen not to forgive you."
Society has conditioned the masses to expect forgiveness after offering an earnest, heartfelt apology. Anything less is met with criticism, contempt, and consternation: What do you mean I'm not forgiven? I've apologized! But when it comes to forgiveness, you can't "fake it till you make it." In fact, faked or forced forgiveness does more harm than good.
"Forgiveness comes from within. It is not something that can be forced. Either you can do it or you can’t. If you cannot, then don’t think that you are a bad person or that you failed in some way. In some cases, forgiveness is just not possible. You may learn not to despise the perpetrator, but saying you forgive can be hollow if that is not what you truly feel. Don’t give in to peer pressure. Don’t say you forgive someone when you don’t. It won’t make you feel better, and it won’t make your life easier. On the contrary, it is not about making your life easier when someone asks you to forgive. The purpose behind the question of forgiving is to make the person asking the question feel better." ~ Deborah Schurman-Kauflin Ph.D.
Pressuring others to forgive (or making them say they forgive when they don't) victimizes them again. They hide their true feelings and are shamed for feeling what they feel. The fact is they were the ones betrayed, cheated on, hurt, humiliated, raped, beaten, assaulted. Everyone processes grief and pain differently--in their own time. They are the ones dealing with that pain, and they alone get to decide whether or not to forgive, and if so how much.
I wondered ... if coworker #1 had forgiven coworker #2, is another similar confrontation likely? Perhaps not another confrontation with coworker #1, but a different staff member down the road? Having worked with both of these women for years, I think the answer is yes. Coworker #2 (the accuser) is emotional and, at times, confrontational. This wasn't the first incident. I believe had she "gotten away" with this particular exchange, another was likely to occur, which brings me to the dark side of forgiveness: does forgiving someone who hurt you enable them to do it again?
"It’s hard to forgive a person who used pleading for forgiveness as a way to manipulate me. It’s hard to forgive someone who played on my generosity and translated 'being the bigger person' into allowing him to lie, to disappear, to insult me. Forgiveness can be great. It can also make us passive and allow the cycle of abuse to continue uninterrupted." ~ Ella Dawson
Having been in an abusive relationship when I was very young, I know this to be true. He apologized. He bought me flowers. He said he'd never do it again. But there was always an "again". The apologies were a way to placate and manipulate me, but it doesn't take a brick to fall on my head. I ended that relationship.
It's the wrongdoer's responsibility to offer a genuine, heartfelt apology and to ensure the hurtful behavior never happens again. Whether or not she's forgiven isn't her concern.
Thank you for reading.
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Thank you, and have a great week!
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The following is in response to "I'm Sorry" :
THANKFUL SONALI Library Class!  writes: Hi!
Oh, my goodness, the pseudo apology!
There's a young woman in our poetry group who reads poems with a lot of foul language in them.
She was a 'featured poet' once -- one among three featured poets, which is quite a big thing -- which means one third of the evening was devoted to her poems.
She would read these very literal, foul-language ridden poems with an apology before.
I was sort of 'sorry' she was a featured poet!
That pseudo-apology paragraph made me think of her and rant here!  Yes! That is exactly what I was talking about. 
innerlight  writes: Dear Editor, I've been married 34 years whenever I do something wrong I say "I'm sorry." I've never been physically or verbally abused by my husband. The reason I say I'm sorry might be a delayed reaction from all the years I had been abused. As far back as I remember I felt it was my fault I was manhandled, raped and verbally assaulted before we had married. I was twenty-two already went through the heinous acts of life. Did I come into this world with my sorry printed on my forehead? Thank you for this enlightening Editorial. ~innerlight Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I am so sorry you experienced such horror. Peace and blessings to you.   
Kimbug  writes: That's a big issue in my family. As a child, I would remember the disagreements my parents would have with aunts, uncles, grandparents. My mother was big on apologizing most of the times. She'd do it just to keep the peace, most times, she was right and she was simply standing up for herself. As I got older, I became a target of the vitriol and like my mother, I would apologize. No one else ever seems to say, "I'm sorry" for the mean, hurtful things they say or do. I've distanced myself from them a bit because of that. Now, I'm labeled "snooty, cold, aloof." Thanks for writing this. You're welcome. Thank YOU for reading and sharing. 
Quick-Quill  writes: This was hard for me too. In an emotional abusive relationship I excused his behavior to others. Between us I could never apologize because He was never wrong so why should I? Later I found in many circumstances an apology didn't change the situation while other times it worked miracles. I'm just saying that a heartfelt 'I'm sorry' is better than the Litany of' I'm sorry's' that may be perceived as contrived. Like crocodile tears. The saying 'making up is half the fun of fighting,' so is 'I'm sorry' Yes, I agree in many co-dependent, dysfunctional relationships the fight/make-up cycle becomes habit-forming and toxic. We have no control over what other people say or do. Just because someone won't apologize when they've done something wrong doesn't mean we shouldn't. We are only responsible for our own behaviors and the words that come out of our mouths. If we've done wrong, it is our responsibility to offer a heartfelt apology. Whether or not that person chooses to forgive is their decision. 
HWinB.C. writes: This is a good topic to discuss. I'm glad you wrote it. I've faced this dilemma of no apologies in abusive behavior to sorry, but you shouldn't have made me mad.
I feel like we have lost our abilities to interact respectfully and apologies just don't come about with bad behavior. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling into that trap.
The biggest problem I have is the "I'm sorry" that come without change of behavior and "I'm sorry" has become meaningless.
You touch on a topic I personally have to deal with and I've enjoyed your Newsletter.
Thank you for writing it. Yes! When an apology comes with no change in behavior it wasn't a heartfelt (or real) apology. Thank you for reading and commenting. 
S.V Nyathi writes: Thank you for the timely message. You're welcome. Thank YOU. 
The fresponseg is in respose to "Roll With It, Baby" :
Elfin Dragon-finally published  writes: I know you wrote this newsletter in October. I just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you, your dad and your family. I can relate to what you've been going through as my mom has dementia coupled with Bi-Polar disease and (we're not sure if she has Alzheimer's yet). It's difficult to watch her decline. I can only imagine what it's like for you. Again, prayers be with you. Thank you! I'll take all the prayers I can get.  |
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