 Romance/Love: February 14, 2018 Issue [#8740] |
  Romance/Love
This week: Being Single on St. Valentine's Day Edited by: THANKFUL SONALI Library Class!  
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St. Valentine's Day is all about love.
A specific type of love. 
And those who haven't found that love are often made to feel left out. 
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Dear Reader,
"There's a kind of hush all over the world ... and people everywhere are falling in love ..."
Thus sang The Carpenters in their 1976 #1 hit song, a remake of a chart-buster released nine years earlier.
Well, people everywhere are certainly singing about love. And talking about it. And making movies about it. And having a day dedicated to it, when chocolate makers and greeting card companies and teddy-bear manufacturers and florists laugh all the way to the bank.
But what about us?
What about us poor single-folk, who haven't yet found 'the one' to fall in to a romantic relationship with? Well, according to the songs, we don't exist. "You're nobody 'til somebody loves you", remember? By love, this song doesn't mean the kind of love my Dad or my uncles and aunts or my cousins or my nieces and nephews or my friends have for me. They mean that I need to have one specific person loving me in one specific way, to be 'somebody'.
So here I am, a non-person today, writing this newsletter.
And how do I feel about that?
Well I'm going to put it out there.
I feel jealous.
There's no two ways about it, I envy those who are in a romantic relationship. I know all those who are in a romantic relationship are not necessarily happy, I know that many of them envy me my freedom, I know that having the kind of love i do is important and missing from the lives of other people.
But I'm still jealous. I want someone who has chosen me over others to love me, only me, to hold me, cuddle me, know my every mood, have sex with me ... I want that, and I envy those who have it.
If you're in a happy romantic relationship, please know it's something to be grateful for, today and every day. It's something that not everyone has, and people want it.
I feel curious.
What must it be like, to wake up after a nightmare and have someone right there next to you? What must it be like, to be able to say, "My husband likes (x flavour, y movie, whatever)' and be the authority on that? What must it be like to share years of understanding with someone, so that you don't need words to communicate?
I feel inadequate.
Basically, to cut to the essentials, I feel I'm not pretty (attractive) enough, that I don't bring enough to a relationship for a man to find me worthwhile.
I feel left out.
Like a kid who didn't get her piece of cake, you know.
Yeah, yeah, cake is bad for the teeth and has too many calories, but it tastes good and if others have cake, I want cake.
I feel a sense of 'resignation'.
There are people who know I'm single, who introduce me to others as 'Mrs. Bhatia', anyway. I'm not 'Mrs.' I'm 'Miss'. But someone of my age, with white hair, can't be 'Miss', can she? I've learnt to shrug it off.
Like I've learnt to shrug off the reassurances I get from the people in relationships, who tell me it's not important to have a relationship, to be happy. Um. Yeah. Except that you don't get to say that, having married your childhood sweetheart!
I feel stupid.
It's not that I didn't have some offers, to go on dates. But I was young then, fresh out of an all-girls' school, and I didn't know how to respond. So I didn't respond at all. Now, I feel stupid about that. I should've.
I have been engaged to a guy, it was 'arranged' by our parents, but the guy's side broke it off after six months, citing various trivial things. (The real reason, I think, was that the guy's Mom got a bit upset that when she got a daughter-in-law, her son got a fiancee, who would go on to become his wife. She hadn't quite anticipated 'losing' her son to another woman.) Anyway, after that break-up my Mom lost heart and didn't want to go through searching for another groom for me. Which, again, was stupid. I'm not the only person in the world to have had a broken engagement. Lots of people have them and get in to another relationship thereafter. But with Mom's loss of heart, I gave up, too. Decided to be single. Which wasn't a real decision, it was an escape.
So I feel stupid. I should've responded, I should've tried. Now, at the age of fifty, the guys are taken. I've missed the bus.
I feel cynical.
Notice that crack about people using 'love' to laugh all the way to the bank? Well, yeah. I feel cynical. It's all about making people spend money or else it proves you don't really love her/him. Which I know it isn't, but then the cynicism is my way of covering up that I haven't got something. The grapes are sour.
I feel anxious for others.
Well, specifically, anxious for one other person. A young lady, now 22 years old, who was my student when she was in Grade 6. She's a fellow Potter-fan and we've worked on Potter quizzes together. She's single and says that she may marry eventually, but at the moment studies and career are more important than a relationship.
I'm hoping she won't miss the bus the way I did. So much so that when she told me she sort-of 'liked' someone, I urged her to go ahead and tell him. It's not like me to tell someone what to do with their lives, but in this case, I did. They were a couple for a brief stretch, and they've just parted as friends. I am glad she revealed her feelings and was dating him for a while. If she has regrets in the future, at least they won't be the same as mine!
I am looking to blame someone.
I don't want to take responsibility for my own singlehood. So I want to blame someone. My Mom, for not trying to find me another groom when my engagement broke. The Indian society, which frowns upon dating, preventing me from getting close to guys. The guys, who didn't persist when I didn't respond the first time ... anyone. Anyone but me. It's all their fault.
Yeah, yeah, these are negative feelings. And they're enhanced by the bombardment of LVE the marketeers and social media hit you with around this 'special' day. There are some telemarketing calls I get, for holiday destinations, which insist I come for a presentation with my 'husband' ... if I don't have a husband, I can't, but naturally, have a holiday at their perfect resort.
But now, let's turn things on their heads.
Let's say the powers-that-market realize that we exist, and that we're people, too. Us folks who aren't in a romantic relationship.
What if they celebrate our independence? What if they celebrate the quality time we spend with ourselves, writing and reading and painting and creating music? What if they celebrate that we don't bring more babies in to an already overpopulated planet? (Yes, I do think that's a thing.)
What if they make us shell out money on ... you know, whatever it is we non-people buy for ourselves, on one special day dedicated to singles?
Maybe I'd rather not.
Maybe I'd just rather be quietly, un-sungly, un-recognisedly, single. That way, I celebrate myself every day.
Thanks for listening, and yeah, if you have a boy/girlfriend, show them some extra love today!
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Thank you for the responses to "Really Cupid OR Really, Stupid?"
miao-miao 
Rejected love can lead to tragic end because of vengeance and obsessed hatred.
I have always planned to write on it. I just wish someone can help me finish the novel.
Quick-Quill 
Thank you for baring your soul to us. What you wrote is an open book to writing Romance. You are the epitome of what questions a writer must ask as they craft the romance novel. good luck in the future. I'm sure your example will help many writers.
Christopher Roy Denton 
What an incredibly personal and engaging newsletter, Sonali! I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't work out for you. Don't give up yet! |
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