 Comedy: May 16, 2018 Issue [#8896] |
  Comedy
This week: Ruby’s Heartbreak! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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There was a recent shock in the life of Ruby. Yes, folks, her trusted mechanic is closing shop!  |
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By now, most of you know about Ruby and all of her adventures. For those who are new to my Comedy Newsletters, Ruby is my SUV, a Volvo to be exact. A very old Volvo as far as car years in the modern world. She’s a 2005 and the joy of my travels. Last year, she had a bad case of rust from being up North, in the hills, during snow and ice season that is cause for roads being treated with salt. I waited too many years to make the decision to become a Florida snowbird. Yup, her rust was turning her bottom to dust. Thus, she had to go to the mechanic for a replacement of those parts.
To make a long story short, there are many Ruby chronicles in newsletter form over at the Comedy Newsletter Archives starting around May, 2017, if you want to learn more about how Ruby fell in love with my mechanic and refused to come home.
As I write this today, I do so with a very heavy heart. Even though my mechanic had my Ruby for three months last year, I was just grateful he agreed to rejuvenate her. He said, no mechanic would touch her. He even suggested I buy a new car at that point. However, after my pleading for him to bring her back to health, and told him how much I loved Ruby, he accepted the challenge. He told me it wouldn’t be easy, after all, parts for a 2005 Volvo XC90, would not be easy to acquire.
Each week I called and asked about the progress. And each week he’d say the parts weren’t available yet. Every junk yard in the South heard from him. He asked that they not crush the Volvo SUVs that were sent to be junked after blowing an engine, and cut out the bottom that holds up everything else in the car. Front end, rear end, drive shaft, and all those bottom thingies that come with vehicles were all needed. There were many close calls. “Oh, no! Had you called me two days ago I would have had the perfect parts match for you!” were the responses he heard for weeks.
After the second month without Ruby, I had to ask, “Bill, are you in love with my car? I mean some marriages don’t last this long.” He would laugh and claim to have a love-hate relationship with Ruby, although she was up on the lift naked for him to look at each day.
Oh, great, a hoisted pin-up Ruby!
She got a couple visits by close friends who were in the neighborhood. They said she seems comfortable with her rear-end in the air. That did it. Now I started to realize that Ruby wanted to be with Bill as much as Bill wanted to be with Ruby. My car was in love with my mechanic.
This time down in Florida, she got her regular check-up, oil change, filters, extra lube, rotate tires, and all the maintenance requirements. One thing that still needed to be done before heading North was to get new cables for the emergency brakes. So, today I told Ruby she was going to say hello to Bill. She was a happy SUV. There was a glide in her wheels that was peppier. Her ability to make all the green lights down the long stretch of road, was amazing. She had car esp. It was a beautiful thing, folks. We arrived at the repair shop ... I swear her engine was purring before it was turned off. And then this ...
“Hello, Bill, good to see you. I need to make an appointment for Ruby to get her emergency brake cables replaced.” 
A slight giggle followed by, “I'm done dear.”
“What? Whoa, did you say you're done? You’re not taking any more cars for repair? Was it something Ruby did?”
“No, no, I love Ruby. After all, we'd spent so much time getting to know each other last summer.  I just have to do this. Both my knees need to be replaced -- again! I don’t have anyone to manage the place while I undergo surgery and through recovery, so I’m closing shop.”
I looked over at Ruby parked in front of the entrance and swear I saw tears flowing from her headlights. After talking with him about how much I appreciated him for nearly eight years as Ruby’s doctor-mechanic. He gave me a little smile and said, “You know I can’t just retire, dear. I’ll tell you this, although I’m closing this shop down, I am buying a place with a barn further out in the country. Since it will be where my wife and I will be living, I can convert the barn that comes with the property into my own little shop, and my wife can handle the paperwork from the convenience of home. I will be semi-retired and only available to my most loyal customers.”
I felt a lump in my throat as I dared to ask ... “Would that include Ruby and me?”
“Yes, dear, you are one of my best customers." I should think so. I've probably placed at least one grandkid through a year of college. 
"I’ll let you know as soon as I’m back in business. I will need a lot more rest after these surgeries as I went back to work too soon following the last ones.”
“That's good to hear. Take all the time you need to be fully recovered. 
"By the way, Bill, may I ask if you believe you will be completely healed and settled-in, and available to take one of your best customers by next winter?” 
“That seems very likely, dear. Even though I should retire, I can’t stand the thought of not doing what I’ve done the past thirty four years of my life.”
At that point I gave this gentle bear of a man a huge hug. Got into the car and told Ruby not to panic. This could have turned out much worse. Thankfully I stopped by the shop that day. I would have panicked if I had gone there a couple weeks later and found the sign, "Out of Business," and not have found out about his Plan B to reopen another time -- another place. I waved to him again and headed back to Ruby. Were those tears on her headlamps?
“Please Ruby, stay healthy. You have no primary care mechanic until next winter. And seriously, do you really think I’m gonna trust you with a younger mechanic? You, Missy, can be very naughty when you hang around auto repair shops. Who knows what symptoms you’ll develop to keep going back for more. Besides, you belong to Bill ... he was always good in a clutch!"
That's all she wrote for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. See you when I return to my Northern Command Center.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Lilli 🧿 ☕ 
Great NL, funny and entertaining! I'm a fan of Gordon Ramsay too.
Thank you, Lilli! Yup, Gordon Ramsay sure knows how to entertain.  
JayNaNoOhNo 
Not only did I laugh hysterically at you adopting a British accent (I came home sounding like I lived in Wisconsin after an extended trip and had no idea what anyone was talking about when they mentioned it), but I'm very jealous of the risotto. I can't make a proper risotto to save my life, and all I can think is Gordon would put two pieces of bread over my ears and call me an idiot sandwich LOLOLOL
 Too funny, Jay! Risotto isn't that difficult to make if you've got patience at the stove. Got to keep it moving and adding the broth as needed. 
Quick-Quill 
The last line had me in stitches. One correction the word is "He scarfed down the shrimp" Scoff means he made fun of it.
Glad you got a laugh out of it. And thank you for catching that faux pas. All fixed, now! 
Monty 
Great reading, you never run out of ink do you? Your writing is always interesting.
Thanks, and -- Nope! The ink flows freely and sometimes takes on a life of its own. Thank you, Mr, man. Always lovely hearing from you. 
Joy 
From Ramen noodles to this, I can't believe. Me thinks you created a monster, WW! However, power to your ladle and your pen or keyboard! Great NL!
A foodie monster, indeed, is he.  Thank you, Joy!!!
dogpack saving 4premium 
You got me, I rolling, LOL LOL LOL
Technically writing comedy: are there any requirements or guidelines?
(Submitting " On My Way To The Bathroom" )
I'm happy you enjoyed the Newsletter, VP!
 As for guidelines and comedy, the first rule is, there are no rules. However, timing can be crucial. For me, it's usually things I do or see everyday. All around us there are amusing things happening, we just need to notice and run with it. From there imagination and a muse that's in a humorous mood gives it life. 
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really love it!
See you next month!
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